As if the burden of nagging people to write letters weren't wearisome enough, Miss Manners now finds herself with the additional task of urging people to stop writing one another.

Wouldn't you think that one of these assignments would cancel out the other?

No such luck. But at least Miss Manners now understands why everyone is too busy to turn out the duty-letters owed to friends and relations. They are spending all their time sending nonsense mail to everyone they know and even more to those they don't.

Thus those who wait in vain for answers to their wedding invitations, congratulations on their graduations, thanks for their presents and condolences on their bereavements are not entirely forgotten by their acquaintances. Advertising aside, everyone's e-mail in-box is crammed with jokes that are making the rounds, chain letters accompanied by threats if they don't perpetuate the fraud, forwarded letters from people who didn't know their confidences would be circulated, photographs of babies whose parents they would not be sure of recognizing, and propaganda for an assortment of political, religious and philosophical beliefs.

And that's not counting the mail accidentally sent to the wrong person, and the mail sent from the correspondents of correspondents who have picked up their e-mail addresses because they failed to use the blind-copy option.

So while the government and Internet providers are frantically trying to figure out how to cut spam so that e-mail users don't have to fight their way through mounds of junk to find their real messages, who is exacerbating the situation? The very people -- friends, colleagues and relatives -- from whom real messages would be welcome.

It is frequently suggested that the ease of sending e-mail, which is responsible for this output, could also assist in getting out those less amusing letters that Miss Manners insists are required. If only Miss Manners were not so stubborn.

But she is. If etiquette never recognized the typewriter as an instrument for emotionally significant correspondence, it is not going to condone the even less personal (meaning bereft even of smudgy fingerprints) computer letter for formal correspondence. Impervious to the plea that everyone is too busy in modern life (yes, she knows -- see above) to wield a pen on important occasions, she insists that important letters be handwritten.

But just now she is not going to carry on about how much more personal and charming that method is. She wants to rejoice in how cumbersome it is.

For that reason, you are not likely to bombard everyone you know with all the flotsam and jetsam that passes through your mind, life and computer. You may choose your topics and words more carefully if you know you will have the arduous task of rendering them by hand.

Miss Manners' hope is that this discipline will carry over to e-mail correspondence. As with commercial spam, saying that recipients can always delete what they don't want to read or that they can ask that it not be sent is no longer good enough. The name of an acquaintance suggests that it might be real mail, and Gentle Readers who have tried gently asking to be taken from their friends' mass-mailing lists report being huffily cut off from personal communication as well.

To accusations that she is too old-fashioned to understand the joys of complete and widespread communication by people who want to disseminate their opinions, jokes and photographs, Miss Manners' reply is:

That's what your Web site is for, silly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband has long hair and, without fail, waiters and salespeople approach us with a "May I help you, ladies?" practically every time we go out.

It's really embarrassing for my husband, who doesn't, by the way, look like a woman. What's strange is these people never correct their mistake and then we all feel really awkward. Can you tell us what is the correct response for everyone? Apparently cutting the hair is not an option.

GENTLE READER: Couldn't you consider this compensation for all those waiters and salespeople who address ladies as "You guys"? If not, your husband should learn to whip around slowly and say, "Are you addressing me?" in a low, not to say threatening, voice.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Have I lost step with the times? Is it now acceptable for fathers-to-be to attend baby showers? At showers I've attended and given in the past, the fathers-to-be arrived toward the end of the affair to lend a hand only.

GENTLE READER: Yes, you have lost step with the times, and you can't imagine how much fun Miss Manners has saying that. Every other question she gets that includes such an approach notes a change for the worse, with the plaintive fear that it might have entered mainstream etiquette. As if it is Miss Manners' job to dumb the field down to accommodate bad habits.

The fact that people have noticed that children, and prospective children, have fathers as well as mothers is indeed a change, but a good one. Miss Manners has no objection whatever to baby showers for both parents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a new, gated retirement community. At the front entrance they recently installed five flagpoles of the same height. On the right side is the American flag, on the left the state flag, and in between are three commercial flags all flying at the same height.

When I grew up we were taught that the American flag flew from the highest point, followed by the state flag slightly lower. Am I an old fogey out of touch with the new flag etiquette? What is the correct method of displaying our country's flag in this situation?

GENTLE READER: The nation has not yet sold its flag's place of honor to a fast food or telecommunications business. However, let us be careful not to give anyone ideas.

The American flag should, indeed, have been placed higher than these other flags, and also in the middle. Miss Manners hopes you will point this out politely to your community's gatekeepers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 22-year-old female who is interning with a nonprofit organization. Most of my co-workers are females over the age of 50, and I feel a bit uncomfortable addressing them by their first names, as it seems a bit disrespectful to me. I also do not necessarily wish to refer to them as "Mrs. So and So" because that might seem too formal.

While growing up, my mother (who is from the South) instructed me to refer to older family friends and acquaintances as Miss Anne or Miss Erika, etc. I have always used this practice, without before realizing that it might be seen as childish or disrespectful.

Is this practice appropriate for the workplace? Or should I call them Mrs. So and So until told otherwise?

GENTLE READER: As the junior employee, in rank and probably in age, it is not for you to decide how your colleagues should be addressed. Not even, Miss Manners regrets to say, by importing a custom that, however charming, is not used nationally.

The way to determine what others prefer is not, oddly enough, to ask them. For reasons beyond Miss Manners' understanding, even those who wish to be addressed in a dignified, formal manner are reluctant to say so. As you have suggested, it is better to begin by calling them Mrs., permitting them to suggest something less formal if they wish to do so.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A close friend of our 33-year-old son just completed testing to be a kidney donor for him. He is not a candidate for the gift.

Would it be proper, as parents, to show our gratitude for his ultimate gift offer, to send him and his wife a gift certificate for a dinner out or is a note of thanks all that would be in order? My husband says a gift "cheapens" it.

GENTLE READER: He offered your son a kidney, and you are debating whether to offer him a steak?

If you have a son in need of a kidney, you should not need Miss Manners to explain to you that this offer was priceless beyond compare. A "note," as opposed to an emotional letter pouring out your gratitude, and a restaurant gift certificate, as opposed to welcoming him to the bosom of your family, would both be ludicrously inadequate.

In regard to teaching children to offer thanks, Miss Manners has always argued that gratitude is not a natural reaction to generosity, so that the connection between the two -- and the forms for acknowledging indebtedness -- must be taught. But in your particular case, she really thought gratitude of a magnitude to match the generosity might have spontaneously overwhelmed you.

If not, you must show it anyway. As this gentlemen is not actually able to be the donor, you need not look after him in the hospital as well as you do your son, which is the way you should treat the person chosen. But in addition to displaying your thanks and offering your eternal friendship, you should be endeavoring to discover anything serious that you might do for him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine just got an invitation to a fancy affair and the dress code was indicated as "fire and ice." We're not sure what he and his wife should plan to wear.

GENTLE READER: Red and white? Blue-red and transparent? Heavy-duty raincoats? Miss Manners suggests your friend call his hosts and ask. If people insist on making up cute costume codes, she declines to act as their translators.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I really need to know what the proper etiquette is for mailing a particular wedding invitation.

Here's the situation: My brother has a girlfriend and they live at separate addresses. I mailed one invitation to my brother's address but labeled it with both their full names on the envelope. According to his girlfriend, I should have mailed her a separate invitation to her address. I hope you can help me with this situation as I was married in 2000 and am still being harassed about this!

GENTLE READER: The more urgent question is whether we can help your brother. He ought not to be sending out any wedding invitations until he finds a better-tempered prospect. True, you might have checked the complainant's address before sending out your invitations, but Miss Manners assures you that this slip pales beside that person's continuing rudeness.

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