In the bad old days, there were gentlemen who thought it a great compliment to tell ladies who had bested them in substantive conversation, "You think like a man."

People who felt free to air their racial and ethnic prejudices, even when members of the targeted group happened to be present, considered that they soothed any umbrage taken by adding, "But of course, you're different."

Foreigners from many lands considered it legitimate social conversation to tell Americans their negative opinions of America and Americans. They especially liked to mention their scorn for American tourists, whether they were addressing Americans who were touring their countries, or those who were encountering them as tourists to America. And they tended to be fiercely touchy about anything said about their own countries.

Miss Manners never knew which was more astonishing -- that the insulters expected to get away with it, or that they nearly always did. Beyond that, the targets would often express general agreement with the insults to their own kind, grateful to be cited as an exception.

Her own dear papa, when his work took the family abroad, was forever being told that he didn't "seem like an American."

"Why not?" he would ask.

"Well, because you are cultured," he would be told. Or because he was "an intellectual."

"Then they look at me," he reported back to the family in indignant amazement, "as if they expect me to thank them."

Since then, we have made some progress in etiquette, if not in human understanding, and two of the three of these forms of insult have become less blatant. That is not to say that the prejudices are no longer held -- only that it is recognized that they are dangerous to air.

The third, prejudicial criticism of America and Americans made to Americans under social circumstances, has become only more blatant.

Miss Manners is not speaking here of serious discussions of governmental policies, cultural trends, economic impact and other such topics that characterize American discourse itself, and in which Americans may want to include foreigners whose opinions interest them. We do not have the jumpiness of people who assume that any dissension threatens their dignity.

What she means is the common sort of bigotry that paints all Americans as childish, selfish, ignorant and boorish -- and which many of them feel they have to accept with good grace. Miss Manners fears that it is not a mistaken notion that good manners make them tacitly or frankly agree to this, but the notion that it might be true.

It certainly is true that many Americans behave badly, and Miss Manners would be the last to deny it. What is not true is that Americans are more likely to be rude than people from other countries. On the contrary, American etiquette principles -- when we live up to them -- mandate respect for all and an open, helpful demeanor toward strangers.

Swallowing insults is not part of the deal. The polite person whose race, gender or ethnic background is attacked acts affronted by coldly cutting off the discussion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often attend lovely informal parties hosted by good friends. Once the time has come to say "goodnight" to the host and other guests, the girls with whom I carpooled take 15 minutes to say their goodbyes as they inch their way toward the door. However, I prefer a quick and sincere thank-you to the host, announce how nice it was to see everyone and then leave. Am I being rude in comparison?

GENTLE READER: Rude? Miss Manners considers you a one-person etiquette rescue mission for your hosts. Dearly as they may love their guests, closing the door on them is not as painful as the guests might imagine. Now if you can only learn to speed the lingerers on their way, coming up behind them with your hearty "goodnight" and holding the door open ...

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a quick question regarding when an engagement ring should be worn and who should be wearing it. I have struggled with my fiance and this issue for about a year. I need help.

GENTLE READER: What do you mean, a quick question? Miss Manners will be pondering for days what on Earth it is that you and your fiance are quarreling about. Is he not handing over a ring, and is it because he doesn't want to buy one or because he wants to wear it himself?

An engagement ring is worn by a lady who is engaged, although it is perfectly respectable to be engaged without one; she may wear it ever after if the engagement leads to marriage.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited by friends to spend a day boating on a local river. It turned out to be a sunny, clear and quite humid day, and as we were on an open-console boat, there was no cover under which to take refuge from those overpowering rays. I was wearing shorts, a T-shirt, and sunglasses, but the heat still overtook me and I grew quite concerned that I would become sick. We had not planned on swimming and did not have bathing suits.

I politely suggested we return to land where I might find some air conditioning. My friends suggested that, instead, I remove my shorts and T-shirt and sit or swim in my undergarments since "they look just like a bathing suit."

My undergarments may be modest but they are, well, undergarments and not a bathing suit. In fact, my actual bathing suit is also modest and looks nothing like my undergarments.

Not only that, but I was the only single person on board; everyone else was part of a couple. I didn't think it appropriate for me to expose my undergarments, particularly around the men. I said nothing about my true feelings -- I was actually horrified -- but I did decline the suggestion.

Everyone onboard began to chide me for being "so tight and prudish." It didn't matter how many times I said I was uncomfortable removing my clothes, the teasing continued until we finally reached dry land.

It's certainly rude, but is it not also a bit strange that a party of people was encouraging a woman to remove her clothes? No one else seemed interested in doing the same. If they were interested, I still would not have done it. Because of this incident I have severely limited my time with these people, but my roommate says that I'm overreacting.

GENTLE READER: One cannot help reacting to the discovery that friends are indifferent to one's welfare. Miss Manners was willing to believe that yours were only concerned with your physical welfare (somewhat mixed with a reluctance to dock) when they made the suggestion. But when they began to taunt you, it suggested a less wholesome motive that you, with the advantage of knowing them, may have good reason to suspect.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes, among relatives, it becomes a necessity for one to disseminate a small portion of private, personal information, if only to get one's mother off their back.

If I choose to share this information with this particular relative (my mother), should I not expect that information to remain the privilege of the particular person it was shared with?

I understand that it would be improper of me to reprove someone (least of all my mother) for betraying the trust of personal information, but short of not sharing said information, is there anything one could say beforehand to try and hinder this type of behavior?

GENTLE READER: Of course you should not reprove your mother. The customary method, Miss Manners believes, is to blackmail her.

This is done by saying, "You know, I'd love to talk things over with you, but these are highly confidential matters, and if you're tempted to tell anyone, I'd better not."

Your mother will, of course, promise silence (meaning that she will ask her confidants not to tell, thus expecting more loyalty from them than she is willing to give you). That is when you issue your threat: "OK, but if you find you can't resist, it's sure to get back to me, and it will make me reluctant to tell you anything again, which would deprive me of your wisdom."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In an attempt to beat the heat last night, I went to my local coffeehouse and camped out in the air-conditioning with an iced chai and a book.

A woman sat down three chairs away. She flipped open her laptop, and suddenly the speakers began playing an Italian-language tutorial. Since I don't speak Italian, and have no desire to learn, I found this frustrating.

After 30 minutes of this, she treated us to music from her laptop. The establishment had been playing Nina Simone over the loudspeakers -- quietly -- but the woman drowned this out with her discordant heavy metal. Glares and dirty looks failed to elicit a response. Finally, frustrated, I got up and stalked out into the heat.

Oddly enough, the gentlemen sitting next to me had a conversation at almost the same decibel level, but I didn't find this offensive in the least.

Both you and my mother have always said it's rude to tell someone when they are being rude. But is there any way to inform this young lady that she is impinging her will upon the rest of the customers, and that this is not done in polite society? Perhaps she honestly didn't know any better -- her mama didn't teach her the same things mine did.

OK, that's ingenuous, but it was the only approach I could think of and stay within the bounds of manners. Any thoughts or possible future solutions? The weatherman says it's going to be hot again next week and this may happen again.

GENTLE READER: Sorry, but neither your mother nor Miss Manners considers the pseudo-pitying comment that the offender doesn't know any better to be exempt from the rule against calling people rude.

You do not inform the offender; you inform the coffeehouse management. As these become more like 16th-century coffeehouses, each will have to decide whether it wants to be a home for the noisemakers or the quiet types, and customers will have to choose their establishments accordingly.

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