DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend and I have never shared the same political views. She likes apples, I like oranges.

Before the war began, I got constant anti-war paraphernalia, everything from dairy farmers against the war to pictures of starving children from Ethiopia who were against the war.

I have close family and friends in the military and have formed my own opinions as to the presence of American troops in Iraq. After several e-mails containing anti-war statements, I wrote her back and asked her to please remove my name from further forwards which included any political statement for or against. I told her that I appreciated her intense concern for the actions of our government, but that I didn't want to discuss them.

After that e-mail, I received a very short e-mail in which she said that she apologized and that she wouldn't send more political e-mails.

The problem is that now she completely ignores me. We haven't talked since and she ignores my phone calls and e-mails. I didn't want something like this to ruin a friendship, but it seems like it has. Was I wrong in asking her to remove my name from the distribution list? What is the proper etiquette for asking someone to stop sending you unsolicited e-mails which aren't personal but mass distributed?

GENTLE READER: When it is a friend, you voice respect for her point of view, say without rancor that you prefer not to get into the issue, and perhaps add that you are not receptive even to mass mailings that support your own viewpoint.

Wait. Isn't that what you did?

Miss Manners is left believing that your friend's emotions were running so high as to render her unable to tolerate your holding to your own views. Let us hope that it was temporary and she is now ready for peace. It is impossible to run a democracy if people with opposing ideas refuse to deal with one another.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have two sons and each of them has been living with their girlfriend for about two years now.

We give a substantial amount of money to our sons on their birthdays.

We want to know if we should buy their girlfriends a birthday gift and if so, what would be appropriate type of gift?

GENTLE READER: Probably not chunks of the family fortune or your great-grandmother's pearls.

What precisely you should give them Miss Manners cannot say, but yes, it would be nice to recognize their birthdays in some way. These ladies may someday be managing your grandchildren's birthday parties. The scale would be (in order of warmth) friend of the family, prospective member of the family or equivalent to member of the family, according to your assessment of the relationship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently invited to a "Greenback" wedding shower. Does this mean I must bring a money gift?

GENTLE READER: That is certainly what these greedy people plan to extract from you. Miss Manners hopes you did not miss that because the invitation was too subtle.

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Pest control seems to be a major problem this time of year, but only in the most desirable neighborhoods. If you have property in an area that attracts vacationers, you have been hearing from holiday-bent friends or relatives. Not from you do we get the complaint that nobody keeps in touch.

Miss Manners appreciates that such places are often populated by charming people who are delighted to entertain visitors. As protector of the endangered virtue of hospitality, she wants to encourage them. The best way she knows how is to give them back the control their own kindness has led them to relinquish.

For what it is worth, she is happy to remind prospective visitors that they must be invited, and that they are not supposed to hint any more blatantly than, "We're going to be out your way and we'd love to see you. By the way, can you recommend a good bed and breakfast?"

But frankly, the reminder is not worth much. Those to whom it applies already know, and argue that it does not apply in their particular cases:

"But we're family," say the third cousins who didn't invite their prospective hosts to their wedding.

"But we have a standing invitation," say the people whose friendship has dwindled to a Christmas card relationship, pointing out the phrase "Hope to see you some time" they received only a few years ago.

"But they always ask us," say the guests who haven't gotten around to writing their thanks for last year.

"But we know they want us," say the visitors whose last visit was followed by a series of their proposals that always seemed to be at times when the hosts were sick or tied up in a family emergency.

So if she can't retrain the volunteer guests, Miss Manners will have to retrain the involuntary hosts.

The chief rule is never to issue vague invitations, much less blanket ones, even though these are not supposed to count unless they are followed by invitations with dates attached.

Note that "dates" is plural. It is polite, as well as prudent, to specify both the date on which the visit is to begin and the one on which it is to end. "Please come the 8th through the 10th" is a perfectly gracious invitation.

There should be a warning of what to expect in the way of conditions and attention, whether it is "We're roughing it here, so we rarely dress for dinner and I can't assign you a lady's maid" or "I hope you don't mind a futon, and we have a washing machine you can use. We both have to work on weekdays, but the beach is only a short walk."

But what if you don't want them under any circumstances? This is a perfectly understandable position, either in regard to certain people or certain periods of time, such as the entire year.

The technique for fending off volunteers is the opposite of that recommended for issuing invitations. Here vagueness and blanket statements are exactly what are needed: "Oh, dear, I'm afraid this is just not a good time for us" or "We've set rather strict limits on ourselves this summer, and I'm afraid we can't manage it" are both perfectly appropriate.

Miss Manners absolves of rudeness anyone who says this in a tone of tragic regret. If a guest can decline an invitation, surely a host should be allowed the same privilege.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On rare occasions, I add salt to my food while I am dining at a table. However, I do like pepper.

Frequently, I will ask somebody else, "May I have the pepper please?" and then I will be handed both the salt and pepper.

This really doesn't bother me -- I just would like to handle the situation with proper manners. Would it be more appropriate for me to ask for both the salt and pepper, or, if I were wearing the other shoe, and somebody asked me for the salt, should I pass just the salt or should I pass both?

GENTLE READER: What are you, a home-wrecker? Salt and pepper go together, like your dear old friend with the spouse you can't stand. You may only want one of the pair, but you still shouldn't attempt to split them up.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know if there is a proper way to ask guests (overnight or otherwise) to leave if they have done nothing wrong other than stay too long. It isn't that we don't enjoy their company, but some of our friends don't realize when they should let us go to sleep. What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: For dinner guests: "It was such fun having you. We hope to see you again very soon."

For houseguests: "Well, good night."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am one of three on-site female employees in an almost exclusively male company of about 28 employees. While I like many of my colleagues, I am increasingly reluctant to come to work because of the nonstop sexual innuendo, joking and outright comments that surround me all day long.

I am an attractive young woman and it seems that the men I work with, including my two bosses, cannot resist turning any statement I say into some sort of sexual play on words. One of my bosses even reads to me the subject lines of the spam porn e-mails he receives. The other one openly assesses my figure every time he speaks to me. I am uncomfortable at work and have begun keeping my office door shut to ward off a co-worker who likes to "pretend" to pick the lint off my sweater.

I understand that what happens is up to me in that I have the choice to either find another job or make a formal complaint, neither of which I am prepared to do right now. And I feel partly responsible for not drawing the line when I was first employed here four months ago, but I was worried about fitting in and keeping my job.

Now I fear I have allowed my co-workers to assume I am receptive or at least amenable to all this "wink-wink, nudge-nudge" talk that goes on, when in fact it makes me very uncomfortable and is often personally offensive.

I am hopeful you can provide me with some polite but firm responses -- things to say to help me establish boundaries and ward off these conversations before they start. And to hold me until I can make a decision about remaining here. It is very dispiriting to work with people who seem to have a juvenile fixation on sex and it is insulting to me that they don't consider me enough of a lady to spare the talk in my presence.

GENTLE READER: First, Miss Manners must warn you that etiquette does not have a good record in discouraging this sort of thing. That is why the law had to step in, once society finally acknowledged the seriousness of the problem.

Etiquette depends on the reluctance of most people to persist in annoying and angering others. So when we find polite ways to draw their behavior to their attention, they usually desist.

However, it is the object of lewd behavior to annoy and anger those at whom it is directed. Your question is almost like asking for a polite way to let a flasher know that his trousers are open.

Miss Manners agrees that resorting to the law should be a last resort, but you should give everyone involved a gentle reminder that it is available to you. In as cool and unruffled a tone as possible -- because the fun is in getting you hot and bothered -- you should say that you suppose they have been used to a locker-room atmosphere, but they should know that it makes an offensive working environment for female employees. The wording should be vaguely legalistic, but not contain an accusation or a threat. And you should keep saying it up the chain of command until you get to someone who -- regardless of his own feelings or behavior -- has the sense to get frightened.

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