DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know if there is a proper way to ask guests (overnight or otherwise) to leave if they have done nothing wrong other than stay too long. It isn't that we don't enjoy their company, but some of our friends don't realize when they should let us go to sleep. What would you suggest?

GENTLE READER: For dinner guests: "It was such fun having you. We hope to see you again very soon."

For houseguests: "Well, good night."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am one of three on-site female employees in an almost exclusively male company of about 28 employees. While I like many of my colleagues, I am increasingly reluctant to come to work because of the nonstop sexual innuendo, joking and outright comments that surround me all day long.

I am an attractive young woman and it seems that the men I work with, including my two bosses, cannot resist turning any statement I say into some sort of sexual play on words. One of my bosses even reads to me the subject lines of the spam porn e-mails he receives. The other one openly assesses my figure every time he speaks to me. I am uncomfortable at work and have begun keeping my office door shut to ward off a co-worker who likes to "pretend" to pick the lint off my sweater.

I understand that what happens is up to me in that I have the choice to either find another job or make a formal complaint, neither of which I am prepared to do right now. And I feel partly responsible for not drawing the line when I was first employed here four months ago, but I was worried about fitting in and keeping my job.

Now I fear I have allowed my co-workers to assume I am receptive or at least amenable to all this "wink-wink, nudge-nudge" talk that goes on, when in fact it makes me very uncomfortable and is often personally offensive.

I am hopeful you can provide me with some polite but firm responses -- things to say to help me establish boundaries and ward off these conversations before they start. And to hold me until I can make a decision about remaining here. It is very dispiriting to work with people who seem to have a juvenile fixation on sex and it is insulting to me that they don't consider me enough of a lady to spare the talk in my presence.

GENTLE READER: First, Miss Manners must warn you that etiquette does not have a good record in discouraging this sort of thing. That is why the law had to step in, once society finally acknowledged the seriousness of the problem.

Etiquette depends on the reluctance of most people to persist in annoying and angering others. So when we find polite ways to draw their behavior to their attention, they usually desist.

However, it is the object of lewd behavior to annoy and anger those at whom it is directed. Your question is almost like asking for a polite way to let a flasher know that his trousers are open.

Miss Manners agrees that resorting to the law should be a last resort, but you should give everyone involved a gentle reminder that it is available to you. In as cool and unruffled a tone as possible -- because the fun is in getting you hot and bothered -- you should say that you suppose they have been used to a locker-room atmosphere, but they should know that it makes an offensive working environment for female employees. The wording should be vaguely legalistic, but not contain an accusation or a threat. And you should keep saying it up the chain of command until you get to someone who -- regardless of his own feelings or behavior -- has the sense to get frightened.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend recently corrected me for saying roofs.

"Rooves?" I said, "Rooves with a 'v'? Are you mad?"

"It's an irregular plural," she said.

"Nonsense!" I said.

According to the dictionary she was wrong, but there was no dictionary on hand at the time and I was driving. The same woman also occasionally corrects people for dropping h's, but once referred to an absent friend's "ex-wife" instead of "late wife" and, when her boyfriend corrected her, said, "Oh, don't be so pedantic!"

When is it permissible to correct another person's English?

How should one react to being corrected when one is right? Is it rude or just ridiculous to produce a dictionary several days or weeks later in order to settle the matter? How should one react to being corrected when one is wrong but the mistake is extremely minor?

GENTLE READER: You are about to find out, because "rooves" is in the Oxford English Dictionary, along with "roaues," "horfum" and other antique curiosities. So is "roofs," with a pedigree going back to Milton.

Miss Manners is not arguing with your conclusion that your friend is mad. Flaunting arcane information is dangerous, as Miss Manners supposes she is about to find out. A law of nature makes the triumphant corrector stumble in an even more obvious way.

Nevertheless, it is rarely possible to correct someone, such as a close friend who is confident of enjoying your respect, although perhaps not your particular friend, who sounds peevish. Even then, it is done by making the correction sound speculative -- "Really? I always thought it was ..." -- which, in turn, allows the corrected to say, "That's interesting -- you're probably right."

Next-day super-triumphs should be reserved for friends who are very close and evenly matched. In exchange for the pleasure of waving around written proof that you are right, you are honor-bound to be humble in defeat.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in a quandary. I'm nearly seven months pregnant with my first child. My friends have not hinted at a baby shower.

I've already bought the basic furniture, but wanted to shop earlier for other things as well. Should I be asking my best friend about this?

Also, in the past I'd been invited to showers by relatives of the mothers-to-be. Should I be inviting the people who invited me or the recipients to whom I gave the gifts? Me and my husband have a budget so we cannot afford to invite everyone from the church that we attend!

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' response will help you with your budget. It is that you cannot properly give yourself a shower; your relatives should not be doing it, either; nor should you be prodding your best friend to do so. Therefore, you can take the money you were going to spend and use it to buy the rest of the things you need for your baby. And if anyone is planning to surprise you, you will have no trouble acting surprised -- and, Miss Manners hopes, grateful.

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Dumb, dumbstruck, dumbfounded: Miss Manners is wearying of the cycle.

A dumb remark is made. The person to whom it is said is dumbstruck. Miss Manners is dumbfounded at how often this keeps happening.

She isn't even counting remarks that are made with vicious intent, or questions that are asked to pry into other people's business. Those have their own, worse categories of rudeness.

Genuinely dumb remarks are those that sound insulting, even though no ill will went into them, or sound nosy, even though no real curiosity prompted them. They are uttered just because the speaker felt inclined to say something, and never thought to analyze how it might strike the target.

The most popular dumb remark now seems to be "You look tired," beating out the "Smile!" command, which had a long run.

This replacement is at least more likely to produce results. Telling someone he or she looks tired has the effect of making the person look even more tired, the original state being compounded by the wearying knowledge that one's dragginess is so obvious. But then, instructions to cheer up generally produced the same effect.

The appearance of other people, almost always a dangerous subject for commentary (the exception being when someone you love gets dressed up and it becomes dangerous not to comment), is a major inspiration for dumb remarks. To point out to others that they are short, tall, fat, thin, pregnant, using a wheelchair, looking anxious or blushing is not as informative as many people imagine, and to inquire why is not likely to enlighten or amuse even the one who asks.

When it comes to unsolicited suggestions for improving the appearance and such, the merely thoughtless are often confused with proselytizers, who are as purposeful as they are rude. But instead of recommending therapists and handing out exercise plans, the former just deliver offhand remarks, such as "You could stand a haircut," "That's a terrible neighborhood you live in," "You should get married," "Are you still in that same job?" or a simple "Yuck!" at the sight of what someone else is eating.

Birth, marriage, divorce and death seem to move practically everyone to astonishing dumbness. Nobody much cares if prospective parents want a boy or a girl, but people keep asking them. This is about as useful as asking engaged couples if they know what they are doing, and about as suitable to casual conversation as asking divorcing couples what went wrong. When there is a death, people don't ask the bereaved if they are pleased; they tell them they should be: "It's better this way."

Commenting on children who are present, guessing and asking about people's ancestral origins, and assessing people's possessions are other rich sources of dumb remarks. Miss Manners is regularly besieged by the victims, who beg or suggest a response in case it happens again. Something witty and withering, they specify. A putdown.

But while Miss Manners has nothing against wit, she refuses to resort to using rudeness against the rude, and certainly not against those who parrot thoughtless remarks without intention to hurt.

Fortunately, she has also found that the most effective reaction to dumb remarks is dumbfoundedness. Looking at them wide-eyed and saying nothing has the simple charm of leaving the dumb remark echoing in the air for everyone to hear how dumb it was. Sometimes even the person who said it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several members of my working group at the office have adopted the custom of bringing back small remembrances for the other members of the group when they go on vacation. How long should I display these items in my office? I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but mine is a small cubicle, and it's getting rather cluttered.

Next, do I need to reciprocate? Unlike my colleagues, who are mostly unmarried, without children, and take exotic trips, I am a young mother, and most of my vacation time is spent doing exciting things like going to see my in-laws. Darling little souvenirs of these trips (postcards of the nearby flood-control channel, perhaps?) are in rather short supply.

GENTLE READER: Bring them your mother-in-law's cookies or, if she doesn't bake, ones that you bought for the children before they got carsick. Miss Manners assures you that your colleagues will be just as happy not to have yet another decoration for their cubicles, even though these can be gracefully jettisoned with the words "How darling -- I'm going to take this home."

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