DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper position of the little finger when holding a teacup? Raised? I had tea with a local dowager, and she clearly, but not pretentiously, raised the little finger of the hand that was holding her teacup. I know that this is not a question of world-shattering importance, but it is serious, and I am sure that many people would like to know the proper form for holding the teacup.

GENTLE READER: It depends on how old the local dowager is. In the 17th century, when tea was introduced into Europe from China, it was drunk in dainty, handleless cups, and anyone with any sense kept as few fingers as possible on the (yeow!) hot cup.

When some genius invented the handled cup, this was no longer necessary, and Miss Manners finds it astonishing that the gesture has stuck in public memory all these years. Your dowager happens to be the only one who remembers it seriously. Because imported tea had been frightfully expensive, the gesture has lived on for centuries as an affectation of the rich and pretentious.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the several months that my boyfriend and I were dating, we were very close indeed, and there was always the idea (though neither of us came right out and said it) that we would eventually marry.

With the breakup, however, I have not let myself fall into the funk that many young women my age in a situation like this seem to sink into. Why waste my time pining for someone who obviously doesn't love me as I thought he did?

I have even struck up somewhat of a relationship with a friend from work. There is no pressure for commitment from either of us, but I like him very much.

Am I being "unfaithful" to my previous relationship by entering into another (though significantly less serious) one so soon? Is it acceptable to give my co-worker a small hug when greeting him at work, or asking him to call me later if one of us leaves before the other?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners was about to reply indignantly that etiquette does not create unnecessary gloom by demanding that perfectly happy people pretend to suffer, but she realized this is not quite true.

It thoroughly disapproves of dancing on graves and, by extension, over dead marriages. Not that anyone listens. And it requires workers to refrain from hugging one another on the job. However, you will be happy to hear that it does not mandate a period of official moping for broken romances.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are the parents of a groom who will wed his fiancee at a destination wedding. We would like to host the rehearsal dinner, but are confused about who should be invited to it. Everyone will be from out of town and to invite all of them just seems like the first of two weddings. We were planning a sit-down dinner party, but then does that exclude a daughter, grandfather, etc.? Help!

GENTLE READER: Too late. Miss Manners cannot rescue you from entertaining people whom you and yours have lured on a vacation trip -- because that is what a destination wedding amounts to. She only wishes she could rescue those who have agreed to vacation with you under the impression that you wanted to spend several days with them.

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Respectable people did not used to appear any the less respectable as a concession to summer heat. They had summer wardrobes made of lighter materials, but these featured the same items as their winter counterparts, including ties and jackets, long skirts and stockings.

Of course, that was back before air conditioning. Now we have desperate and indignant pleas that human survival would be at stake if anyone had to stagger from air-conditioned transportation to air-conditioned buildings wearing more than tank shirts, shorts and sandals.

Miss Manners does not mention this out of any yearning for the fortitude of yore. Those people must have been nuts.

But she finds the relationship between the progression of technology and the progression of style to be curious. As the methods of producing clothing went from tedious handwork to mechanized mass-production, tailcoats and embroidered, elaborately draped dresses were abandoned for jeans and basic-black shifts. In architecture, for that matter, increasingly powerful equipment and more flexible materials marked the change from an immense variety of fanciful buildings to the ubiquitous unadorned box.

Ah, well. Miss Manners doesn't pretend that hers is the prevailing taste. If it were, the bustle would be back, and ladies could use their stair machines to practice walking with a train.

All she asks is that some effort be made to conform to the standards of our own times, which still distinguish between dressed and undressed. There must be a summer compromise between running around in practically nothing in order to stay cool and looking dignified while passing out.

But attempts to loosen easily definable dress codes always bring more problems than they solve. No sooner are concessions made than they are abused. When word goes out that ties and jackets are no longer required, out come the T-shirts and jeans. If those are permitted, out come the tank tops and shorts.

Part of this stems from confusion. Most people have a pretty good idea what business dress is, but -- as is obvious at any informal social event -- everyone has a different definition of genuine casual, and, even after all these years, no one has ever found out what "business casual" means.

The rest is bolstered by argument, mostly about creativity and comfort. Miss Manners doesn't mind the visual part of the summer slops nearly as much as having to listen to versions of "Nobody can tell me what to wear because I'm grown up now and I won't wear any of those grown-up clothes that would make me look old."

She would have thought that at least she would be spared the summer buzz of complaints about how tourists and co-workers dress, but strangely, even the self-proclaimed rebels care about such things. As it is difficult to proclaim independence for oneself but not others, they put it in different terms: Those half-dressed people are fat, sweaty, provocative, showing off, smelly, hairy, threatening-looking and so on.

Yes, those are some of the things that benefit from a few bits of light cloth. Unless these people are on the beach, where it is inoffensive because that is the dress code.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family and I had taken my mother to church in her parish, where I am unfamiliar with the parishioners. As we lined up for Communion, I noticed that a lady in the next line over had a good-sized cockroach crawling on the back of her sweater.

I didn't want to disturb her in a moment of prayerfulness, but I worried that if I tried to remove the bug myself, it might cause a commotion. I ended up not doing anything, but felt guilty about it. What is the correct thing to do when one notices that a stranger has something distasteful on her clothing?

GENTLE READER: Slapping people around in the Communion line probably would cause a commotion, Miss Manners agrees. In fact, it is a dangerous tactic to spring on the unsuspecting at any time or place, and should be reserved for greater and more immediate threats than are posed by a distasteful cockroach. Even at a propitious time, you should say quietly, "I believe there is a bug (the polite term) on your sweater -- shall I brush it off for you?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am saddened by the loss of a friend who passed away as a result of an auto accident just a day before she would have participated in her graduation ceremony. The whole community she grew up in is devastated.

I knew her from her basketball games and would often talk to her mother at the games. Her mother and father were very close to her. Her family was looking forward to her future. She received her basketball scholarship the day of the accident.

I want to pay my respects at the funeral home. I will be going by myself so I will be very nervous about the proper way to handle things. I want to send a card and flowers.

I purchased a sympathy card for the family. Should it be addressed to the parents or the deceased? I assume it should be addressed to the deceased. Please correct me if I am wrong. I have never had to handle anything like this before.

I have no idea what to say to the family. This is very painful for them because they were close to their daughter. I've been in agony ever since I heard the news myself.

What is the proper way to express your concern and sorrow without upsetting them further? I sometimes get lightheaded around caskets. This occasion WILL make me lightheaded. Do you have any suggestions for either preventing the situation or excusing myself if I feel it coming on?

GENTLE READER: This is always a daunting situation, even for those who have had to go through it before, and Miss Manners admires you for facing it. Many an adult takes the cruel and cowardly course of running away.

The only thing that could upset the parents more than they already are is the impression that others don't care. But you have nobly determined to use all the ways to show that you do, and Miss Manners need only guide you through the technicalities.

The flowers should be sent to the funeral home, addressed to "The funeral of" with your friend's name. Condolences are addressed to the bereaved, in this case the parents, but a letter is infinitely preferable to a card, where you merely sign someone else's words.

This brings us to the question of what to say. Both in person and by letter, what you need to tell the parents is that you sympathize with them and cared for their daughter. The former is done just by saying "I'm so sorry," and by writing, "I send you my deepest sympathy." Elaborating on this is what gets people saying foolish, hurtful things, such as "I know how you feel" or "Time will heal you."

If there is an open casket, you may be able to busy yourself with the mourners so that it is not conspicuous that you keep your distance. But if you do get faint, you need only say so to anyone nearby who can help you to a seat. The one thing people do not have to be embarrassed about in this situation is being overcome.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On occasion, I have been known to take personal letters I have written with me to the office, where I can mail them more conveniently. When I run out of postage stamps, I sometimes use the office postage meter (after paying for the postage, of course). I have been told that it is rude to use a postage meter on personal mail, but I've never been able to find any rule to that effect. Can you enlighten me?

GENTLE READER: It is not the meter itself that violates etiquette, but the embarrassing impression you leave on the recipients that you violated office ethics. Miss Manners would consider it harder to figure out how to indicate that you reimbursed your employer than to lay in a supply of stamps.

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