"I'll scrub floors before I'll accept charity."

"We may be poor, but we have our pride."

"I've always been independent, and I always will be."

"Thank you, but I wouldn't dream of taking your money. I'm sure I'll manage."

"I may not be legally responsible, but I consider this a debt of honor, and I'll pay off every cent if I die in the attempt."

"I don't accept tips."

When -- if ever -- was the last time you heard any of these statements? The young must think that allowing pride to trump avarice dates back to a long-past age of romance and stupidity.

Miss Manners is not exactly complaining that she misses what were, after all, responses to difficult, perhaps tragic circumstances. But she sorely misses the quaint attitude they represented. The rapidity with which begging and bankruptcy shed any sense of shame and took on an air of insouciant cleverness astonishes her.

In the social realm, pleading financial need and requesting assistance have become so commonplace that the techniques are cited as "traditional" by the clueless, as well as by the financially irresponsible. Not a day goes by that Miss Manners doesn't receive several questions about how to do something -- throw a party, take a trip, buy household items, entertain in a restaurant -- that the writer states being unable to afford.

Various schemes are proposed, with the expectation that Miss Manners will explain the proper way to do them. How do you politely tell your guests to give you money so you can buy what you want? What is the correct wording to invite people while letting them know that they are supposed to pay? How do you graciously state your desire that guests contribute payments toward your vacation or house?

Miss Manners' favorite Scheme of the Week is a postal card sent to members of a church congregation asking them to celebrate the marriage of their pastor with "monetary gifts for the honeymoon. If you like, do it anonymously to eliminate the need for thank-you cards."

She can't wait to hear his sermon about how charity begins at home. Or the one on offering thanks.

Nevertheless, Miss Manners saw it all coming. Once the commercial gift registry (originally kept only in case customers inquired about a bride's silver or china pattern) expanded to put generosity under the control of its beneficiary, the rest was inevitable. Stripping sentiment from the custom of giving presents naturally prompted the question of why the giver should be entrusted -- or encumbered, depending on the degree of hypocrisy exercised -- with the purchasing.

The next step was for the recipient to examine the overhead costs involved in entertaining the donors, which would have to be subtracted from the take. Prospective guests often ask Miss Manners whether etiquette requires that the cost of a present be dictated not by their resources or impulses, but by the amount spent on their food and drink. Hosts, especially those who like to entertain at places that they are the first to admit they cannot afford, are inclined to see these as two different obligations, and ask how to explain that the guests should both pay their own way and give a (directed) present.

But why bother with guests at all? The virtual community is larger and less troublesome than the relatives and friends upon whom self-fund-raisers had been drawing. The pioneers in asking strangers on the Internet for money patterned themselves on the causes of reputable charity -- such as donating toward education or helping the ill -- except for designating themselves the sole beneficiaries. A breakthrough was achieved last year when it was discovered that asking for money for luxuries also brought results.

Miss Manners fails to understand why philanthropists would turn from the needy to the greedy, but she is not opposed to enterprise. She only wants to make it clear that none of this has the least bit to do with etiquette, and she is not in the business of laundering rudeness to make it seem so.

These practices are no less vulgar for having become commonplace. There is no polite way to tell people to give you money or objects, and no polite way to entertain people at their expense. Begging is the last resort of the desperate, not a social form for those who want to live beyond their means.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a junior at my local high school and as a junior I am permitted to go to Junior Prom. I wish to take a young man I know, who does not go to my school.

Who pays for the tickets? Do I, because I go to the school that is hosting this Prom? Does he, because he is the young man? Or do we split it evenly between us, so as to be fair?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners regrets to inform you that splitting the cost of the tickets is not fair. What is fair -- and has always been considered so, as generations of graduates from female educational institutions can attest -- is for the person who issued the invitation to bear the cost. That gentlemen once issued more invitations than ladies cannot be used as an excuse to reduce a hostess's expenses.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the past, while dating a potential suitor, I would not consider dating anyone else concurrently and would politely rebuff others' advances.

Due to, shall we say, a convergence of the stars, I find myself dating two different gentlemen whose company I find equally enjoyable. Granted, it has only been about two months, but both gentlemen have intimated that they enjoy my company and would like to continue to do so. While there have not been any problems yet, I feel slightly dishonest by not informing the beaux of each other's existence.

I fear they might, at some point in the future, feel slighted to learn that I am not dating them exclusively. The only reference I seem to be able to draw on is that of Scarlett O'Hara, with her multiple suitors, and this image does not comfort me.

I must say, though, that my unaccustomed situation has had the benefit of slowing the rate of becoming romantically involved with either gentleman. In the past, I have found myself swept up in the romance, and have offered my heart up too soon.

What is the etiquette of dating multiple people at the same time? Could you please give me some guidelines to prevent hurt feelings and wounded hearts?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners correctly understands your allusion to restraint in offering your heart, then you are doing nothing wicked. She hopes this does not put a damper on the excitement, replacing the damper of your unnecessary uneasiness.

Excitement is what dating was originally intended to provide. When this custom was replaced by successions of temporary intimacies, they had to be exclusive so as not to be promiscuous. But a gentleman should not presume that he has exclusive access to a lady who is merely dating him unless they have agreed on such terms.

Miss Manners regrets to tell you, however, that there is no system of romance, and never has been, that eliminates the risk of hurt feelings and wounded hearts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever I visit my parents, my father is apt to say something like "Isn't this soup great?" Meanwhile, I'm thinking it's the blandest tasting soup I've ever eaten. Or he may say something like "What do you think of our new sofa?" and I know he wants me to exclaim how wonderful it is, when I may not feel that way. Would you have a recommendation on how to handle these situations?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners points out that the proper answers to these questions are "Umm, great," she supposes she will be accused of fostering dishonesty. People who may think nothing of falsifying their tax returns and making up excuses to get out of jury duty consider it a sin not to treat everyone to their negative opinions.

But your father was not really asking for a critique of his taste in food and furniture. His subtext is a plea for you to affirm that you find the place pleasant to visit. Does your conscience prevent you from gratifying this modest paternal wish?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My lesbian partner of 26 years and I will be helping our straight daughter with her wedding plans. We are out to our immediate family and friends, as well as the groom's immediate family. Our daughter is NOT asking her father to walk her down the aisle, but wants her mother to do so.

My questions are:

1. If Mom walks our daughter down the aisle, how should I as Mom No. 2 enter with the wedding party?

2. How should the invitations be worded to indicate that both of us, as well as the groom's parents (both his mom and dad have remarried after their divorce) are announcing the wedding of our respective children?

The bride and groom have no particular religious convictions, so the ceremony can be a bit unconventional and without pretense. We are, however, hoping to maintain as much of the traditional wedding etiquette as possible.

GENTLE READER: Then you will have to accept Miss Manners' definition of traditional. That is to regard wedding etiquette as a basis for symbolizing the families involved as they actually exist, and not to try to jam them into roles that may not fit.

Giving away a bride is already an anachronism, retained for its charm. People who are fixed on the idea that this task must be performed by a gentleman, and who hunt up a remote one in the absence of a father or stepfather, render it meaningless. The point is that it should be one or more parents, or someone such as a stepparent or guardian who has served as such.

How you assigned yourself to be "Mom No. 2" in this regard you do not say, but if you feel that the other mother alone should give your daughter away, then you should enter last as hostess, and sit up front. But it might also be fitting for you both to give away the bride.

Invitations are usually issued by the bride's family alone because they traditionally acted as sole hosts. But if all of you parents are giving the wedding, all of your formal names with honorifics should appear at the top of the invitation, beginning with the parents of the bride, and using as many lines as it takes to request the pleasure of your guests' company at the marriage of your respective children.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to give a baby shower for a friend's daughter who lives 12 hours away. The daughter will not be traveling to my home area prior to the birth of the baby. Can I give a shower with gifts (along with a small book of good wishes) to be shipped to the mother-to-be?

GENTLE READER: You can shower your friend's daughter with however many presents you care to buy and send her, and Miss Manners finds it charming of you to think of doing so. What you cannot properly do is issue instructions to others to do the same. Presents are merely a feature of such parties, not the entire point of them, shocked as many will be to learn this.

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