DEAR MISS MANNERS: I brought a bottle of coconut rum to a gathering of close friends at a friend's house, and got caught in the middle of a "Which Bottle is Mine?" dilemma.

Another friend brought an identical bottle. Throughout the evening, everyone was enjoying their drinks (responsibly, of course). When it came time to go home, the other person told me how she "would take her bottle home since it wasn't opened."

Whether or not the unopened bottle is the one I brought or the one she brought is irrelevant in my opinion. While I don't see myself as a greedy person, was it a little presumptuous to assume the bottle that everyone used for mixed drinks was "mine" and the unopened bottle was "hers?"

GENTLE READER: Annoying as this was, Miss Manners cannot advise you to grab back the bottle and say, "No, that's mine! Mine, mine, mine!"

But if she is correct in assuming that you are more annoyed at having a dirty trick pulled on you than you are disappointed not to go home with your rum, she does have recourse to suggest. Say, pleasantly but loudly enough for everyone to hear, "Oh, I thought it was mine, and I was going to leave it for our host to enjoy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone sneezes around me, I say "God bless you." But when a person continues to sneeze three or four times after that, is it still appropriate to say "God bless you," or is the first one sufficient enough?

GENTLE READER: The correct sequence is:

1. "God bless you."

2. "Bless you again."

3. "Are you all right?"

4. (and thereafter) "Don't you think you should be home in bed?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was in college I met the one girl in my life that I will never be able to forget. We were engaged, but she broke it off realizing we were both too young to follow through with such a serious commitment. We continued to see each other after college as very close friends.

Several years ago, we lost contact with each other and last month I found out that she died. Since I have finally admitted to myself that I never really got over her, I am devastated by the news.

Now I am trying to sort out all of my feelings surrounding her death. I find myself trying to find out the details of how she died and what her life was like since we lost contact, but it's been impossible to find out anything. I am considering writing to her parents to ask them my questions. Is that appropriate? I feel like I might be intruding on their privacy, but my urge to find out about her is constantly tugging at my heart.

GENTLE READER: Far from being an invasion of privacy, a letter of condolence to the bereaved is a kindness.

That is what you mean to send, Miss Manners trusts: a letter expressing your sympathy and your admiration, and omitting "So -- was she seeing anyone?" and "Did she regret losing me?" If you show a loving interest in the lady's life without sharing your misgivings, you may be sure that her parents will be only too glad to talk about her with you.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find it very self-centered and not at all mannerly for people to specify that a wedding or other family event be "black tie only." It's akin to inviting guests to an "all white" wedding, where everyone attending is supposed to wear only white, or a medieval-themed wedding where guests are not welcome unless they are in Renaissance attire. (I've heard of such weddings!)

If this were a dinner party or New Year's Eve party, for example, people like me who do not own formal wear could simply decline the invitation. But a wedding or bar mitzvah is a once-in-a-lifetime event -- a time for family and long-time friends to reconnect -- and no one should be made to feel shabby by being told that only black tie is acceptable.

Let the wedding party go to the expense of special dresses and tuxedos. Welcome the guests warmly, dressed as they are in the nicest clothes they own. "Proper" is a matter of attitude and of the heart, not just the apparel, as the gift they bring and the distance they have traveled indicate.

GENTLE READER: You are not the only gentleman Miss Manners has encountered who is under the mistaken impression that the opposite of "formal" is "good-hearted."

It isn't. The opposite of "formal" is "informal."

Both are among the styles currently in use; neither is a masquerade costume nor a gimmick. Asking guests to wear formal dress on a formal occasion is no more unmannerly than telling them to wear jeans on an informal one.

Having snapped at you, Miss Manners will now reassemble her own warm-heartedness to make the case that clothes do not reveal the heart. Snobbery thrives among those fiercely devoted to informality -- examine your attitude toward those who hold traditional weddings -- as much as among those who actually own evening dress.

She very much doubts that your hosts will greet you less warmly if you do not respect their wishes. Weddings do not generally feature bouncers who refuse to admit those whose outfits they feel will not add to the occasion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were mourning the death of our dad. A neighbor brought over a dozen large homemade muffins.

The muffins were instantly devoured, and our brother took back the muffin pan. The neighbor asked if she could do anything else. Our brother said, "You could make more muffins!"

And she did -- bringing them within an hour. We thanked her profusely when she delivered them, and she was also thanked with a note. We gently scolded our brother, and he said, "But she asked."

Was this proper? The rest of us felt greedy (as we gobbled the new muffins).

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is delighted that you appreciated the muffins, and assures you that the neighbor appreciated knowing this and feeling that she could be of use to you.

It is true that you cannot allow your brother to think that every polite offer may be taken literally. You don't want him asking a clerk who says "May I help you?" to explain his homework to him. But there are enough special circumstances here to excuse all of you.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received as a gift what appear to be eight little crystal dumbbells. I am told they are knife rests.

Where and when would one use such a thing? Why would one use a knife rest? Shouldn't the knife be placed across the plate once it is used?

GENTLE READER: They are, indeed, knife rests, and one would use them to rest one's knives if said knives were exhausted. Yours are not likely to be.

Miss Manners is not criticizing your table manners. On the contrary, modern manners are better than those used when knife rests were invented. That was when people brought their own knives to the table and used them to spear everything within reach. Now that we have dishwashers, there is no need to re-use knives rather than replace them as needed.

: