Newly elected legislators like to let slip that they expect to encounter peculiar forms of etiquette in Washington.

How they word this confession so as to fashion it into a moral position depends, Miss Manners has observed, on the method they used for getting themselves sent to Washington:

If they got there by proclaiming the capital to be a haven for crooks, they take the populist stance, declaring that they will never succumb to the fancy social life such people will attempt to lure them into. If they used the alternative method of declaring that the place is a haven for bunglers, they take the sophisticated approach of saying that such luxury will be just another version of behavior they mastered long ago.

Miss Manners is afraid that they are all sadly mistaken. ("Sadly mistaken" is a phrase they should know; it is Washington's polite term for ignorance or lies.) Formal etiquette in Washington is not the same as elsewhere, and they will succumb.

But they needn't worry about black-tie dinners and White House parties. The rules are not that hard, and a cadre of social cadets stands ready to help them.

At parties elsewhere, people dress to look prosperous and fashionable, and try to behave as if they are having a fabulous time. In Washington, the goal is to appear as if you are just managing to stay decent on an inadequate salary, and to behave as if you are putting in an appearance before going back to work.

The real etiquette traps in Washington, the kind where one mistake can destroy a career overnight, are another matter entirely. And these are so treacherous that powerful and experienced people keep falling into them.

The first is that people listen to what elected officials are saying. Not the rhetoric they have been practicing, of course, but the casual comments and jokes made under the assumption that everyone shares the same prejudices.

It is several decades now that the society has refused to tolerate any expression of bigotry, and Miss Manners would have thought that people who depend on public approval would have learned not to utter any. Yet the parade of experienced politicians whose careers self-destruct while they plead mercy for what they call "a poor choice of words" never stops.

The second is that the attack mode is not the best way to get business accomplished in a form of government that requires cooperation and compromise. Rudeness angers one's colleagues and annoys the public.

People who have just won elections by out-snarling and out-insulting their opponents naturally have a hard time understanding this. Miss Manners suggests that they reflect on the difference between a defeated opponent who gets left behind and other successful candidates who work in the same place they do. And while the public enjoys a good fight with a decisive finish, it no longer finds pugnacity in daily life novel or amusing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wanted to know what the etiquette is for saying something delicate in e-mail. I don't want to get too personal, but I want to let people know how I feel. Is it OK to be blunt in e-mail?

GENTLE READER: If by "delicate" you mean offensive, and if by "blunt" you mean harsh, it will not be OK for the recipient. E-mail offers the temptation of being ruder than one would dream of being to people when looking them in the eye, and this should be resisted.

Miss Manners also wishes to point out that the result might not be OK for you, either. People who are insulted through e-mail don't just get angry -- they get busy clicking the "Forward" button to circulate your rudeness, adding a few pithy comments of their own.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My younger brother recently announced his engagement to a girl he met two months ago (she's 19, he's 22). He's never met her family, and she's never met ours.

The thing that worries me (and everyone I've talked to, including my parents) is that when he called to ask her father for permission to marry her, Mr. Future-Father-in-Law said he required three or more letters of reference before he'd consent.

My brother says that her father is joking but serious at the same time, and that he really does want the recommendations. Her mother even said the letters would be on display at the reception so guests could read them.

My side of the family agrees that this is completely tacky, but my brother refuses to listen. Is it customary (or even polite) to ask a future son-in-law for letters of reference? If not, what's the best course of action?

GENTLE READER: First is for your family to stop sneering at a parent for wanting to know something about the stranger his teen-age daughter has agreed to marry although she hardly knows him herself. The business term "letter of reference" and the threat to display proof of respectability may be jokes, but the need to know something about him is serious and responsible.

Next is to initiate an acquaintance with the bride's parents. This is the duty of the prospective bridegroom's parents when an engagement occurs, and Miss Manners is sure that you would not want them to think you are so tacky as to be ignorant of that rule.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have lost 50 pounds, so it is obvious to people that I am watching what I eat. The personal questions that I get asked are a whole other subject!

I know that when people have food to share, it is polite to offer it to you. I feel that it is rude when I have to say "no" more than two times (I really do not like to say it more than once, but I have to be patient), and I have heard from others that people will act insulted if you refuse their dish, like when people bring cakes and cookies into work.

What is the proper response to a food pusher to let them know that I am strong about my response? What is the proper number of times to offer treats to someone? I speak for many dieters who do not feel they have to tell someone that they are watching what they eat.

GENTLE READER: The proper response is "No, thank you," and you keep saying it until people take no (thank you) for an answer. Miss Manners urges you to repeat it in full confidence that the rudeness here is neither in offering food nor in refusing it, but in pushing it.

That this is a problem in your office astonishes Miss Manners. Every other office in America issues complaints about someone who gobbles more than their fair share of the communal snacks.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my drawing class, a few ladies in the class approached the nude model (yes, he was still naked at the time) and commented to him on how their abilities could not "do him justice."

This struck me as being rather improper, even though their intent was to pay a compliment.

What is the protocol in such a situation? When the drawing is not taking place, should one not acknowledge the existence of a naked man in the room unless he specifically addresses you? After the class was over, he passed by me on the street and I wasn't sure if giving him a quiet nod of recognition was appropriate, so I just acted as if I had not recognized him at all. Was this wrong?

GENTLE READER: On two counts. Your classmates should not be making personal remarks to a gentleman who is working, not to mention naked, and he may be assumed to be on duty until he is robed. You, however, should not snub a professional contact encountered outside of work.

Miss Manners dearly hopes that the gentleman assumes that you are nearsighted, rather than that in studying him you had failed to notice his face.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received several e-mails (as one of over 50 people on the address list of family, friends, neighbors and co-workers) during a friend's admission to the hospital and through her labor. I assume the expectant father had a laptop at the hospital.

I read more details than I cared to know, and I just about got ill when the e-mail regarding the mother's delivery mentioned that she was doing well but suffered a vaginal tear and episiotomy.

Whatever happened to the long-awaited phone call stating "It's a boy"?

The baby and mother are home and doing well, and I am very happy for them and their family and share in the excitement -- but now we receive weekly e-mails with pictures to be downloaded. This is a special time in their lives, I know, but I think that the new parents might want to cool it.

I hope that people will think about what they are sharing with the world before they click the "address book" button and send personal information to their entire mailing list. Our mothers' custom of sending out birth announcements via snail-mail was a nicer touch than these mass-produced communications, and I prefer getting an annual card with a picture of the kids instead of weekly downloads. Am I just being too prudish and old-fashioned?

GENTLE READER: Here's what happened to "It's a boy": They already told you. Don't you remember, weeks ago, receiving an e-mail with a prenatal picture pointing out the telltale sign?

Miss Manners trusts you have resisted the temptation to go along with the idea of sharing personal information by e-mailing back a picture of your physical symptoms when you saw their picture.

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