The friends who give those wonderful annual parties you never miss are not as happy to greet many of you as they are gracious enough to pretend.

Where have you been all year?

Are you sure you were invited this year?

Come to think of it, who are you, anyway?

Year 'round, Miss Manners provides a sympathetic shoulder for those who have come to be known as People Who Still Entertain. Many of their guests think of them as a subdivision of People Who Still Wear Spats -- eccentrics who are pleasant company, but whom no one in his right mind would think of imitating.

What is it that these genial folk do that is so strange?

They invite friends home instead of meeting them at restaurants. They mark special occasions, theirs and other people's, with parties. They give dinner parties for no reason other than to get people together whose company they enjoy and think would enjoy one another's, undertaking all the planning and work themselves.

What do they get in return?

Lots of happy times, pleasant memories, and the satisfaction of knowing that their hospitality has been a source of delight for others.

And that, along with the odd bottle of wine handed over at the door, ought to be enough, their guests believe. That hosts should also expect definitive replies to their invitations and honored commitments strikes the people from whom they expect this as excessive.

Indeed, anyone who has not quit entertaining altogether has already scaled down his or her expectations, forfeiting most traditional hostly privileges. Guests have long since ceased to allow their hosts to control such things as time of arrival or departure, guest list, menu or dress code, and instead routinely announce that they are arriving late, going on to another party, bringing someone extra, eating selectively and not dressing up.

But People Who Still Entertain do cherish the hope that some day they, too, will be invited to cross the thresholds of some of their guests. They do occasionally get reciprocal invitations, but these tend to be to meet people in restaurants, attend fund-raisers or otherwise tag along and entertain themselves at what their sort-of hosts are planning to do anyway.

Then there is what one Gentle Reader calls the half-invitation. "Our acquaintances don't seem to be able to actually fully invite us to do things. Instead we get e-mails or phone messages such as, 'We really enjoyed going to the emu races with you last Saturday. We should get together again sometime soon. Give us a call sometime. Thanks, Pat & Pat.' I believe they are sincere, just indecisive or wanting others to take charge. We don't mind being the instigators, it's just that sometimes we'd like to let others take charge and let us relax and enjoy the company."

Not that the guests necessarily demand this formality for themselves. For many, an invitation consists of them asking the hosts when the annual party will be, or just faithfully showing up and not bothering them in between.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a sister who has told our other siblings that she plans on being artificially inseminated this year. I cannot think of anything polite to say about this, for a variety of reasons.

I think my sister will make a horrible parent. I do not want to give her the impression that I approve of her having a child, but she is my sister and I don't want to alienate her. What can I say without being rude when she tells me she is pregnant?

GENTLE READER: "Congratulations."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often attend live performances at the end of which the performers will acknowledge people in the audience. When someone on the stage announces an audience member by name, there is usually polite applause.

What is the proper response for the audience member whose name is announced? Should he or she stand? Remain seated? Thank the performer with a nod of the head or wave of the hand? Acknowledge the other folks in the audience? Is it considered rude to NOT stand?

I have seen a great deal of reactions ranging from jumping out of chairs to arm-waving and blowing of air-kisses to embarrassed smiles and nods to seat mates. How SHOULD one react politely in that situation?

GENTLE READER: In reverse of the usual consequences of uncertain behavior, the people who look embarrassed and uncertain about what to do are the ones who are the most charming. Miss Manners hates to spoil anyone's natural tendency in that direction by announcing that it is the proper thing to do.

Jumping up and waving at the audience shows far too much enthusiasm for credit. Even on-stage performers are supposed to bow humbly to receive their applause. A member of the audience should turn and half-rise with a shy smile, waving only if there is a sustained and tumultuous ovation that requires that signal before it will abate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am employed by a small firm that provides professional services. Consistent with the norm for my profession, a portion of my compensation arrives in the form of occasional bonuses, the existence, timing, and amount of which rest in the sole discretion of the firm's partners.

All of my colleagues at the firm understand that their base salaries are comparatively low to reflect the fact that they will participate, through bonuses, in the expected financial success of the firm.

I have just been chided by one of the firm's partners for my lapse in failing to thank him for a mid-year bonus. I certainly felt silent gratitude, but had been taught that an employee should not insult the dignity of service by thanking his employer for each compensation of office. To my understanding, this includes bonuses, which are fundamentally compensation, albeit contingent and arbitrary. Of course, one still must thank one's employer for courtesies beyond compensation, such as granting a vacation request for a particular date, or permitting one to leave early for errands.

I offered this rationale to my miffed employer. He warned me that I had relied upon "bad advice" in this regard, and if such a rule ever existed it is antiquated and no longer has any basis.

Have I erred? I cannot bear to think so.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners cannot bear the notion that the grace notes of politeness should be ripped from the ordinary transactions of life that can be reasonably expected. By that reasoning, no one should ever praise you for a job well done, because that is what you are being paid to do.

Absolutely, you should thank them when they grant the requests you list. What does it cost you?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please explain the rules regarding the holding open of elevator doors while would-be passengers hurl themselves across the lobby, shouting, "Hold the elevator"?

I am talking specifically of a 6-story building with a bank of 3 elevators, so it's not as if another one wouldn't soon be available to any people who miss the elevator in which I'm trying to ride. Why, indeed, would these people then feel that their time is more valuable than mine, and that I should wait with the "doors open" button pressed, for them to arrive into the elevator car?

Typically, I press down on the Door Close button and pretend to be oblivious to their requests. This usually works, and I can ride the elevator in peace, but a co-worker of mine considers this frightfully rude.

GENTLE READER: It is. Whatever the reality of the situation, people think of elevators as they do romances. They can tell themselves that it is not a tragedy to miss one, because another will be there soon, but when they have begged and yet been deserted, that sequel seems sadly problematical.

If you must continue to slam the doors in your neighbors' or colleagues' faces, Miss Manners requests you to shoot a frantically helpless look at whoever is left behind, telegraphing that you are not swift enough to locate the Door Open button in time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Must tradition dictate what is good manners and what is not? Tradition dictates that British barristers wear white wigs. And that is fine and is good manners for them. (But, as I recall, there is a movement afoot to change that.)

It seems to me that there are times when that which tradition calls good manners and what is common sense do not go together and is wasteful.

For example:

"No menu, no carry-out." That's what my wife and son say about my asking for a container to take home good food I can't consume at our "formal" dinners. By formal I mean suit and neckties for the men, and maybe long gowns for the ladies.

These dinners are in large hotel ballrooms, and we have as many as 500 attending. When we pay $45 per ticket and a serving of delicious steak covers half a plate, it really pains me to think of sending half or more of it back into the trash. (Unserved food in the kitchen is donated to good causes, but not food from used plates.)

So why is it wrong to ask for a carry-out box and have two or more good meals later at home? All such institutions have stacks of these containers as a matter of daily business. OK, I could take a sealable plastic bag the size of my side pocket and unobtrusively take care of it myself. How about that?

GENTLE READER: You made a tactical error here in discounting tradition, Miss Manners is afraid. Ancient tradition would have been on your side. At Roman banquets, guests were given the extra food to take home.

That is fine for them, as you graciously concede about those wigs, although it would be unnerving to encounter a bewigged official in an American courtroom. Context counts.

It is also fine for you to request the leftovers when you are buying yourself dinner out. It is when you are out socially that you are supposed to pretend that the food is so much less important than present company that you don't dwell on its future.

Besides, your wife does not want to dance with someone who has a soggy pocket.

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