DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are there rules of etiquette about going through revolving doors? I work at the National Gallery of Art, a normally well-mannered area, where I have seen for years groups of people walk up to the revolving doors, and almost always the group allows women to proceed first into the revolving doors.

The doors are quite heavy and not easy to turn. Invariably, the women struggle with pushing the doors around to gain entry. I've witnessed the "grandmother" of the group in this situation.

Shouldn't men enter revolving doors first to push the doors around for those who will be following?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but it is all they can do to remember the rule "ladies first," without straining themselves to deal with the exceptions. (In addition to revolving doors, these include going downstairs and exiting from buses, trains or airplanes, where the idea is that if the lady should trip, she will at least land on something agreeable.)

A colleague of yours has invented the solution of making a complete turn in the door, so that he can both go ahead of the lady to push it and allow her to enter the gallery first. Miss Manners worries about this. A concerned lady might keep going around herself, so that she can inquire, "Aren't you coming in?"

If amusement of this sort is what is required, there is a carousel nearby for the purpose.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The small parking lot at my son's kindergarten is often full, but there are many nearby spots on the street, and I have recently started asking people who park in the fire lane and start walking away to please move their cars.

If they apologize and move, I say "thank you," but a more typical response (and here I am paraphrasing) is that it is none of my business.

Is this true? Does the requirement to not interfere with other peoples' lives extend to pretending not to notice nonfelony rule-breaking? Because we are not the police, is it best to just say nothing when we see someone leaving their fast-food wrappers on the bench at the bus stop, not cleaning up after their dog in the public park, slipping some small item into their pocket at the store, or leaving their car in the emergency lane?

GENTLE READER: It is best not to impersonate a police officer -- or, for that matter, a kindergarten teacher -- who has caught someone breaking the rules and whose job it is to teach the offender a lesson.

Miss Manners assures you that this does not constitute a total ban against noticing other people's transgressions. It does, however, rule out going about town reprimanding them. Thank goodness for that; if not, Miss Manners would not be able to navigate a single block without inviting a fight.

What you can do is offer to be of help. You did say "please," and Miss Manners hopes it was attached to: "Please excuse me, but I'm afraid you didn't notice that is a fire lane. There is parking on the street," and not to: "You can't park there. Please move your car this minute."

The politer form gives the violators a way to move while admitting to nothing worse than an oversight. Being polite does not protect you against those who are determined to be rude, but it protects you from joining them.

Should they refuse to cooperate, you can take a lesson from the kindergartners themselves: Tattle to someone in authority.

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Time was when one of the ladylike accomplishments was disjointing a beast upon a platter. Hostesses, as much as hosts, were expected to possess the skill of carving meat, so as to be able to offer sustenance to their guests from their very own hands.

Later, for reasons that are mysterious to Miss Manners, it came to be considered manly to dismember flesh. The proper hostess then took to tea, priding herself on the special way she concocted the brew that she handed around.

The ingredients were tamer, if not tepid, but the idea was the same. These were not practical divisions of chores. There could be vast numbers of competent servants standing by, prepared to whisk away whatever flew off the host's knife or race in with hot water for a hostess who might be innocent of the process by which it is possible to turn cold water into hot.

The idea was to stage a demonstration that hospitality involves making a personal effort on behalf of others. There are just enough variables in these procedures -- light meat or dark, strong tea or weak, lemon or milk -- to indicate attentiveness to individual preferences. The symbolism of these rites speak to the second most important function of nourishment, right after filling the tummy: peaceful and generous sharing.

There is also a long tradition of guests helping one another. In earlier and less fastidious times, dinner partners ate from the same helpings of food and drank from the same cups. Well into the 19th century, food platters covered the fashionable dinner table as well as the homely one, and guests were expected to be solicitous of those who sat near them.

Although mealtime itself is now disjointed, and hands-on food has become more of a problem than a metaphor, some of the historic tradition has managed to survive. At our holiday meals, some leftovers from these traditions appear at the table.

Such meals are among the few occasions that meat is carved by the table. In many cases, a gender distinction remains with the host carving the meat while saying to the hostess, "I could carve this perfectly well if you gave me a sharp knife."

An abundance of filled platters covers the table. This inspires the diners to make revolting noises and remarks indicating the likely results of their being tempted to overindulge.

The effort that has gone into preparation is recognized:

"Why do you insist on knocking yourself out making everything from scratch? Just get carry-out. Nobody'll ever know the difference."

Individual preferences are acknowledged:

"Do you know what that would do to my cholesterol?"

"Yuck, I hate that."

"Of course it counts as meat. Anyway, now I don't eat poultry or fish, either."

"No, this has some stuffing clinging to it. I can only have protein."

"Could you have made one thing, just one thing, that doesn't have a million calories in it?"

"I knew there wouldn't be anything here I can eat, so I brought my own."

And in the spirit of the occasion, everyone tries to look after the others at the table:

"No fair, you had the drumstick last year."

"You know you're not supposed to eat that."

"You don't need that dessert."

"I'm finished, so why can't I leave the table? Why do I have to keep sitting here?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family and I recently spent a few days at a beach hotel that offered its guests a "free continental breakfast." Lovely idea, of which we did partake on our last morning.

Something I observed made me wonder if there was a change in the Canons of Etiquette that made it acceptable for some hotel guests to wear their pajamas to the dining area to pick up their breakfast.

GENTLE READER: Only if they wear their bathrobes over them and pretend that they are wearing bathing suits underneath because they are on their way to the beach.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was with a small group of ladies, none of whom I knew well, one of them made a very embarrassing, very personal, uncalled-for remark about me simply to get a laugh.

I naively expected a call of apology. Of course, I never received one. I had planned to tell her that I just do not enjoy bathroom humor.

The next time I saw her (I haven't had the courage to return to the group), I simply looked through her.

Am I allowed any more of a "reprimand" for her rudeness? I am still hurting and want to feel good about myself again.

GENTLE READER: More of a reprimand? Were you thinking of challenging her to a duel?

Refusing to recognize a person's existence has been the strongest form of reacting to insult since obliterating the person's existence at dawn was outlawed. Deprived of a sword, you have nevertheless made your point. Should you wish to return to the group, Miss Manners suggests avoiding a scene by turning your reaction up, just a notch, to cool.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A woman at the office I manage became engaged recently, and her performance has suffered in the whirlwind of her wedding preparations. She frequently spends long amounts of time on personal phone calls coordinating wedding details, surfing the Internet on wedding-related Web sites and extending her lunch hour.

Her inefficiency forces the rest of the employees in the department to overcompensate for her neglected responsibilities. They have vented their resentments to me and I, in turn, have addressed these issues with my employee.

This woman is tolerable in the workplace, though by no means a pleasure to work with. To make matters worse, the fellow she is marrying is a previous employee whose volatility and poor performance earned him an early exit from his position here.

There are few, if any, co-workers who share in her enthusiasm about the upcoming nuptials, including myself. I'm not positive that this woman doesn't share the same distaste toward her co-workers, either, especially since only one person here was invited to the bridal shower next month.

As the manager of this department, what is the minimal gesture that should be extended to this woman in regards to her wedding celebration? Is it unreasonable to ask my staff to contribute to a gift for someone they are not fond of? Do we need to have a "work" shower for her with cake and gifts, etc., or will that seem forced and phony considering the lack of rapport between this woman and her co-workers (not to mention the underlying tension and aversion toward her fiance)? And is it impolite to not acknowledge it at all?

GENTLE READER: Why do you suppose Miss Manners keeps urging people (to no avail whatsoever) not to make personal celebrations into office parties?

These are not people who were drawn together voluntarily by mutual affection, but co-workers who are there to make their living. True, many of them may become friends and share one another's joys and sorrows, but others may find that a cordial working relationship is all they want or can manage to summon to conceal their distaste. As you have discovered, it can become too much to expect these people to fake warmth, which is a good reason for not setting up office events that require this.

Miss Manners suspects that she is telling you this too late. If you have been showering other employees, you must do the same for this one.

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