DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a small, independently owned coffeehouse. Frequently, customers will order from me in the distinctive, quasi-Italian jargon of a certain large chain. There is some overlap in lingo, but not content, between my menu and the chain's.

How can I ascertain what my customers would like to drink without sounding insulting, or as irritated as I feel?

GENTLE READER: Why are you irritable? These customers are at your coffeehouse, placing orders. Can't you interpret this as their being in search of something better than what the chain offers, or at least on the brink of finding out that there is something better?

Miss Manners doesn't write advertising copy, but she would consider that a tactful approach to take. "No, no, that's a standard brand," you can say. "We have the equivalent, but it's the real thing. Let me know if you like it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I recently signed up to take some dance lessons together (swing and two-step). When the class started, we were very surprised that the teacher expected us to take turns dancing with everyone in the room.

Her reason was that in social dancing situations, it is expected that you trade partners frequently. Obviously, if we had known this, we would not have signed up, but, fortunately, we were able to gracefully excuse ourselves at an appropriate moment and cancel the remaining lessons. After checking with several more studios, I found this practice to be the norm.

I realize that traditionally it was expected for ladies to dance with whoever asked them, but I thought that went out along with hoop skirts (or at least poodle skirts!). I certainly never thought that ever applied to married couples. Perhaps we don't move in the highest of social circles, but anywhere I have ever seen social dancing (weddings, formal office parties, charity balls, etc.), I have never seen this practice, outside of the occasional teen-ager who happens to have attended. In this day and age, I would never let a stranger touch and hold me while dancing, and even if it was a close friend, I wouldn't for the sake of appearances.

Am I correct in feeling that this tradition no longer takes place, or are my friends and I simply gauche? We are taking private lessons from now on.

GENTLE READER: Gauche? Only if you embarrass respectable gentlemen by treating conventional social invitations to dance as if they were erotic overtures.

Prudish is the word that Miss Manners would use. She does not normally consider this the insult that everyone else does (priding herself on a bit of prudishness of her own), but you have far outdone her. Dancing at parties and celebrations (as opposed to public nightclubs) is a perfectly standard form of socializing that Miss Manners is astonished to hear your friends consider tantamount to marital infidelity.

At those weddings you attend, do you never see the bride dancing with anyone but her husband? Her father, her father-in-law, her husband's best man, the groomsmen? And do you all stand around and twitter about that brazen hussy allowing others to hold her?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in a book club and a happy marriage. Book clubbers often spend a good part of the evening complaining about the men in their lives and the men in the books we've read. They often generalize about how horribly men behave toward them now, and how badly men have treated women in the historical past.

I am uncomfortable with these discussions. Does this mean my consciousness needs to be raised about my own situation, or that I should speak up about their sexism? Or, as common sense dictates, does it mean that I should just quit this club?

GENTLE READER: So, you are happy with your marriage and unhappy with your book club. And your problem is -- which one should you change?

Miss Manners is occasionally asked whether she has ever come across a problem that stumped her. Hitherto, she has not responded, because she wants to be truthful but does not want to appear immodest.

Would you be kind enough to consent to her citing yours?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've just found out I am pregnant. Of course, I'm keeping my job, and I'm insulted by people who would presume to ask the question. Men don't get asked that question. In fact, my husband's salary is roughly half of mine, so if anyone were going to stay home, it would be him, not me. How can I answer this very intrusive question?

I'd like people not to make the assumption that I would be the one staying home. Even people who know me and our financial situation quite well (like my sister) have asked this question. What can I say?

GENTLE READER: You can say, "Yes, I'm taking a short maternity leave, and then I'll be back at work."

Miss Manners considers herself alert to nosy questions and to patronizing questions, but neither of these sounds an alarm. What would be both nosy and patronizing would be if people assumed, as you seem to, that spouses rate each other by earning power, and the loser has to stay home with the child.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While standing in a line for a food special in the cafeteria at lunch (my food was cooking at this point, and I was about a minute from receiving it), I was approached by a young woman in her early 30s who asked what the special was. When I told her, she wrinkled up her nose and said very loudly, "EW!"

I was taught that it is extremely impolite to make unpleasant comments about someone else's food -- even in a purchasing situation. Has the code of manners changed with regard to this issue?

I suspect I'm being overly sensitive, but this kind of behavior drives me wild, and even more so when the perpetrator is an adult. My response was to turn my back on her, but I found the whole thing quite disconcerting. Is there some verbal response that would have been appropriate, or would I simply have been adding to her rudeness?

GENTLE READER: For goodness' sake, of course the code of manners hasn't changed to allow people to spit in other people's food, figuratively or otherwise. But neither has it changed to allow you to snarl back.

What it does allow you to do is exactly what you did do: to turn your back wordlessly on someone who has demonstrated that she does not deserve your attention. Miss Manners assures you that this is a more effective, as well as a more dignified way of registering your displeasure.

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The pearl-encrusted lady, that legendary personification of etiquette, sails along with her nose in the air as she frostily delivers the ultimate conversation-killer:

"I do not believe (pause) that we have been (pause) properly introduced."

Great sport is to be had from contrasting her behavior with that of the unpretentious human being she snubs, who -- far from hoping to enjoy her tedious society -- was only trying to be helpful. Off she goes on her snooty way, not bothering to catch the murmured remark, "Pardon me, madam, but you are about to step into an open manhole."

Miss Manners has always been puzzled by this supposedly hilarious figure who exists only in order to demonstrate that the purpose of good manners is to inflict humiliation on honest folk. The corollary must be that true kindness and consideration can only be found among the rude.

But others must be even more puzzled by this particular bromide. What, they must wonder, is a "proper introduction," anyway?

"Hi, I'm Zack"?

"I'm Brianna, and I'll be your waitperson"?

All the same, the need for this rule still exists, and the good people who reversed it, advocating social receptiveness with no formalities, have created a lot of confusion and trouble. Hugging strangers did not spread the happiness that was promised, and simple friendliness to the unknown has been known to result in tragedy.

When lurid crimes unfortunately illustrated the dangers of such openness, parents again began teaching their children never to talk to strangers, while some adults even questioned the wisdom of allowing familiarities by those unfamiliar to them. This strikes Miss Manners as only sensible, even if it was done in ignorance of the rule's previous existence and accompanied by wailing that this didn't used to be necessary because the world used to be so safe, back before the invention of crime.

However, there was a weird element this time around: People who take these simple precautions feel that they are being rude. They know they have to protect themselves, but they feel bad administering the rebuffing involved.

After the last wave of kidnappings, there were advisories telling parents to teach their children "that it was all right to be impolite" when approached by strangers. Young ladies are always asking Miss Manners how to avoid being rude when declining amorous overtures on the street.

She finds this somewhat touching. America has, after all, a fine tradition of easy friendship and kindness to strangers. However, this was always either within a stable social environment, such as when newcomers are welcomed to a neighborhood, a congregation, an organization or a school; or it was transitory, as when people chatted when stranded together or offered aid to those who needed it.

For friendship, and even more for romance, there had to be some plausible connection to someone acquainted with the person's character. Picking up strangers wasn't safe in olden times, and it is not safe now. Etiquette did not invent the proper introduction rule to discourage warmth but to protect safety. Snubbing aggressive strangers is not rude, but prudent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have come across an interesting problem regarding how to properly fold business letters.

Should they be folded so that the name of the addressee shows immediately upon opening the letter, or folded so that the name is on the inside, and only the blank reverse-side shows upon opening it? This question has generated much discussion in my office.

GENTLE READER: Folded? Are you talking about paper? And when you refer to putting it inside, do you mean that your plan is to put this piece of paper into a paper envelope?

Miss Manners considers this a wonderful idea, but she is not surprised that your colleagues are confused. It is getting to be a lost art.

All right, that's enough nostalgic wandering. A business letter is folded in thirds, the bottom third toward the middle, and the top third down over it. Thus the blank, reverse side of the top part of the letter is what is seen when the envelope is opened from the back, but the letter itself then can be unfolded right side up.

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