All of a sudden, people are asking Miss Manners how to act socially toward those who are in the throes of a public scandal. What should one do if one happens to encounter an acquaintance, or, horrors, a friend, or a friend of a friend, who, ah, appears to have done something unsavory?

This is an unprecedented etiquette problem because up until now, polite society followed such a strict standard of morality that the problem did not arise. It has been a terrible shock.

Some people are so shocked that they yearn to have the old standards back, if only they could figure out how those worked. Fortunately, Miss Manners happens to remember.

In the old, old days, we dealt with the unspeakable by not speaking about it. Therefore, there was no reason to deal with it. This was, one has to admit, an elegant solution.

True, it left a great many scoundrels loose in society, and attached unpleasant aspersions, instead, to their victims and to anyone who tried to expose them. On the beneficial side, it cut down the amount of gossip, or rather enhanced its value by making it harder to come by. More importantly, it maintained the reputation of society, which, to this day, is believed to have been, at that time, hopelessly tame.

In the last few decades, this method was rejected as unworthy of an advanced civilization. Modern methods of processing gossip have created a fast and vast distribution system that made the whispering method seem cowardly.

But when scoundrels began broadcasting their own transgressions, they became too commonplace to be interesting. To make matters worse, the bad reputation accrued to society itself for harboring so many of them.

That was solved by redefining moral standards to conform with what appeared to be majority behavior. If the standard is low enough, nearly everyone can meet it, and by definition, society's standards are being upheld. Another elegant solution. To maintain the requisite minority of scoundrels, a refusal to discuss one's sins became the worst sin.

Whether society thins out its ranks of rascals to an acceptable level by ignoring or redefining violations, there remains the problem of dealing with those who are caught by the legal system. (Miss Manners need hardly remind honorable people that we hold the accused to be innocent until proven guilty, however convenient we might find it to be frightfully busy while the outcome is in doubt.)

Here is the vocabulary of reactions, depending on the amount of disapproval, the degree of acquaintanceship and the circumstances of the encounter:

Stranger or acquaintance known to be a moral monster, encountered on neutral grounds: the cut direct, as if the person did not exist (although one is not likely to whip the head up and wheel around when heading toward something that does not exist).

Stranger: unsmiling nod if introduced, hands behind back so as to avoid a handshake.

Acquaintance under social circumstances: Avoidance if at all possible, otherwise stiff minimal civility.

Friend who did something monstrous: "I'm sure it's more complicated than it has been made to appear," put as a statement, not a question.

Friend who has done something awful, but not so morally repugnant as to be qualified for monster-hood: "What can I do to get you the help you need?"

Intimate friend with similar lapse: "Whatever mistakes you made, I want you to know that I believe in you."

Now, here's the hard part:

It is the pathetically errant friend whom you invite to dinner in the middle of his troubles, not the celebrity monster of the hour, who has piqued everyone's interest.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to wear a black dress to a 2 p.m. black-tie preferred wedding/reception?

GENTLE READER: It is not proper for a black-tie preferred wedding reception even to exist. Black tie means evening clothes. The last Miss Manners checked, 2 p.m. occurred in the afternoon. And as hosts only state dress codes they prefer, the instruction is also redundant.

It is also improper, by standards commonly violated just as flagrantly, to wear a black dress to a wedding. Perhaps you are wondering, therefore, if your hosts' ignorance or defiance of the conventions of dress would justify -- or disguise -- your own.

Miss Manners is afraid not. If that were the case, the ignorant and defiant would be in charge of setting the standards.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I created a substantial presentation kit to nominate a good friend who is well-off financially for a national award to honor her for her volunteer work.

Before she won, my friend said she wouldn't think of traveling without me to the major city for her to receive the award at a dinner. The award carries a prize of several thousand dollars, which she plans to donate to one of her charities.

I am a retired public relations professional living on a small income, but I have been a generous donor, within my means, of time and money to all of my friend's various charities. Would it be unseemly of me to ask that she pay my airfare? (I would be staying with friends, so there would not be lodging expenses.)

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would never be so crude as to characterize your suggestion as something of a kickback.

She does wish to remind you, however, that although you were kind enough to nominate your friend, that should not be regarded in the light of a favor. You presumably did so because you recognized her merit, and she presumably won on the basis of that merit.

It was gracious of your friend to issue you such a warm invitation, and it would not be gracious to reply, "Only if you're paying."

What you can say -- and Miss Manners is pleased to be able to tell you that it conveys the identical caveat -- is "Oh, I'd adore to go; I'd be so proud. And I have a friend there I can stay with, so if I can scrape up the fare, I'll certainly be there. When is the latest I can let you know, so you'll have time to invite someone else if I find I can't manage?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Employment opportunities being scarce, I have been on my absolute best behavior at work. I have been going the extra mile with the attitude that no job is too small.

A consequence of this action is being very overworked and stressed out. I find myself having to bite my tongue a lot, and it is a struggle to keep a smile on my face. Recently I was actually motivated to such desperate levels of impatience that I had to remove myself from the area and not come back until I was able to talk to, not yell at, the goober I was dealing with.

Was my leaving without saying anything a rude way to stop myself from verbally abusing this person (deserved I must say)?

GENTLE READER: If walking the extra mile takes you over the brink, Miss Manners is afraid that it will not assist your career.

She cautions that in your state of exhaustion, you are probably prone to making mistakes yourself, and co-workers you have alienated will be only too happy to point these out.

Walking away without a word is rude, even if it is not as rude as what you might have said, and you should at least murmur, "Excuse me," or "We'll deal with this later." Miss Manners does hope, however, that you will find a more satisfactory way to control your temper than by biting your tongue -- although she supposes that if you do this often enough, it will remove the possibility, if not the impulse to make uncivil remarks.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been summoned for jury service. What would be an appropriate dress code for the selection day? If selected, what is recommended for a female juror to wear while in court?

GENTLE READER: There is no shortage of popular role models whose fashion examples in ordinary life may be questionable, but who are impeccable when it comes to dressing for court.

Captains of industry may be confused about the difference between work clothes and sports clothes, and stars of rock and screen may be confused about what it means to get dressed at all, but you can rely on their good taste when they show up in court. To a defendant, they all agree that proper courtroom dress consists of suits with ties for gentlemen, and with knee length skirts for ladies, and little jewelry, none of it attached to unusual parts of the body.

True, citizens who are in court because they have been summoned for jury duty do not generally maintain such a strict standard of propriety. Regrettably, they often appear in the minimum their particular courts will allow, and even more regrettably, some courts allow a minimum just this side of decency.

As you have asked Miss Manners, however, she must declare her agreement with the conservative element, which is to say the celebrity defendants. She believes you should show symbolic respect for our court system, even if your life or liberty does not depend on it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When at a luncheon or dinner banquet, where is the proper place to set the used sugar or sugar-substitute package?

GENTLE READER: The same place you park your chewing gum.

No, no, not stuck to the underside of the table. Miss Manners means that you should crumple it so that any properties that might be disgusting to the touch are covered, and put it to one side of the table. Places that serve trash are responsible for collecting it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance, Phil, and I have been living together for several months now. I became pregnant about eight months ago and have since developed some problems with social anxiety. Two to three times a week, Phil has friends over. I do not feel very comfortable around them and become nervous when they are over.

I have spoken with Phil several times about this issue, and he is then responsive and lets me know that they are going to leave at a specific time.

Sometimes these guests stay in excess of an hour or two past the pre-arranged departure time we set for them. Phil is too passive to say anything to the guests, but I am not, but also I do not wish to be rude in trying to "kick them out." We are basically looking for suggestions on how to make our guests understand when their presence in our home is no longer welcome, effectively but nicely at the same time.

GENTLE READER: Hang on there: Help is on the way. Miss Manners knows a raft of reasonably polite ways to speed the parting guest, but none so effective as handing them the baby and saying, "I'll be right back."

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