DEAR MISS MANNERS: I created a substantial presentation kit to nominate a good friend who is well-off financially for a national award to honor her for her volunteer work.

Before she won, my friend said she wouldn't think of traveling without me to the major city for her to receive the award at a dinner. The award carries a prize of several thousand dollars, which she plans to donate to one of her charities.

I am a retired public relations professional living on a small income, but I have been a generous donor, within my means, of time and money to all of my friend's various charities. Would it be unseemly of me to ask that she pay my airfare? (I would be staying with friends, so there would not be lodging expenses.)

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would never be so crude as to characterize your suggestion as something of a kickback.

She does wish to remind you, however, that although you were kind enough to nominate your friend, that should not be regarded in the light of a favor. You presumably did so because you recognized her merit, and she presumably won on the basis of that merit.

It was gracious of your friend to issue you such a warm invitation, and it would not be gracious to reply, "Only if you're paying."

What you can say -- and Miss Manners is pleased to be able to tell you that it conveys the identical caveat -- is "Oh, I'd adore to go; I'd be so proud. And I have a friend there I can stay with, so if I can scrape up the fare, I'll certainly be there. When is the latest I can let you know, so you'll have time to invite someone else if I find I can't manage?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Employment opportunities being scarce, I have been on my absolute best behavior at work. I have been going the extra mile with the attitude that no job is too small.

A consequence of this action is being very overworked and stressed out. I find myself having to bite my tongue a lot, and it is a struggle to keep a smile on my face. Recently I was actually motivated to such desperate levels of impatience that I had to remove myself from the area and not come back until I was able to talk to, not yell at, the goober I was dealing with.

Was my leaving without saying anything a rude way to stop myself from verbally abusing this person (deserved I must say)?

GENTLE READER: If walking the extra mile takes you over the brink, Miss Manners is afraid that it will not assist your career.

She cautions that in your state of exhaustion, you are probably prone to making mistakes yourself, and co-workers you have alienated will be only too happy to point these out.

Walking away without a word is rude, even if it is not as rude as what you might have said, and you should at least murmur, "Excuse me," or "We'll deal with this later." Miss Manners does hope, however, that you will find a more satisfactory way to control your temper than by biting your tongue -- although she supposes that if you do this often enough, it will remove the possibility, if not the impulse to make uncivil remarks.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been summoned for jury service. What would be an appropriate dress code for the selection day? If selected, what is recommended for a female juror to wear while in court?

GENTLE READER: There is no shortage of popular role models whose fashion examples in ordinary life may be questionable, but who are impeccable when it comes to dressing for court.

Captains of industry may be confused about the difference between work clothes and sports clothes, and stars of rock and screen may be confused about what it means to get dressed at all, but you can rely on their good taste when they show up in court. To a defendant, they all agree that proper courtroom dress consists of suits with ties for gentlemen, and with knee length skirts for ladies, and little jewelry, none of it attached to unusual parts of the body.

True, citizens who are in court because they have been summoned for jury duty do not generally maintain such a strict standard of propriety. Regrettably, they often appear in the minimum their particular courts will allow, and even more regrettably, some courts allow a minimum just this side of decency.

As you have asked Miss Manners, however, she must declare her agreement with the conservative element, which is to say the celebrity defendants. She believes you should show symbolic respect for our court system, even if your life or liberty does not depend on it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When at a luncheon or dinner banquet, where is the proper place to set the used sugar or sugar-substitute package?

GENTLE READER: The same place you park your chewing gum.

No, no, not stuck to the underside of the table. Miss Manners means that you should crumple it so that any properties that might be disgusting to the touch are covered, and put it to one side of the table. Places that serve trash are responsible for collecting it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance, Phil, and I have been living together for several months now. I became pregnant about eight months ago and have since developed some problems with social anxiety. Two to three times a week, Phil has friends over. I do not feel very comfortable around them and become nervous when they are over.

I have spoken with Phil several times about this issue, and he is then responsive and lets me know that they are going to leave at a specific time.

Sometimes these guests stay in excess of an hour or two past the pre-arranged departure time we set for them. Phil is too passive to say anything to the guests, but I am not, but also I do not wish to be rude in trying to "kick them out." We are basically looking for suggestions on how to make our guests understand when their presence in our home is no longer welcome, effectively but nicely at the same time.

GENTLE READER: Hang on there: Help is on the way. Miss Manners knows a raft of reasonably polite ways to speed the parting guest, but none so effective as handing them the baby and saying, "I'll be right back."

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To the extent that it is humanly possible, Miss Manners tries to stay out of other people's bathrooms.

Not when out visiting, she hastens to add. As a guest, she trusts that her kind hosts do not have their sensibilities shattered by her habit of drying her dainty fingers on -- oh, the audacity of it! -- a guest towel.

Others, she figures, can manage in there for themselves. Guests are usually toilet trained and hosts trained to accommodate them. It is true that some basic skills which used to be covered by child-rearing -- inoffensive eating, for example -- are now thought to be advanced etiquette, but surely some still are.

And considering how absolutely Miss Manners expects to reign in drawing rooms and dining rooms, she would imagine that a room offering escape and privacy would be appreciated.

It appears that she was overly optimistic. There are problems beneath Miss Manners' notice that people nevertheless keep trying to bring to her attention. And even people who seem to have mastered the general idea find bathrooms -- their own and other people's -- overflowing with etiquette problems.

Among them are timid guests who are embarrassed to ask where to go, and fearful of being overheard when they do go, and bold guests who take the opportunity to explore unauthorized territory, including medicine cabinets and adjacent private rooms.

In addition, there are hosts who want to apologize for the fact that their facilities are not functioning fully, and hosts who want to prevent their facilities from being fully used to avoid wasting water.

All of this has caused Miss Manners no little embarrassment. She is unaccustomed to saying, "Oh, grow up, face facts, and say what you have to say."

It strikes her that there is far too much articulation of facts connected with the bathroom and coy avoidance of euphemisms. If people go into bathrooms to do anything other than powder their noses or wash their hands, she doesn't want to know about it.

However, if guests need to perform one of these functions, they must inquire where to do so and excuse themselves, knowing that the nature of the excursion could be guessed by anyone rude and bored enough to care to do so. Polite people are incapable of hearing any resulting noises, other than those associated with flooding.

To prevent that from occurring, hosts, who are supposed to provide equipment that can cope with ordinary usage, must frankly warn their guests of any particular eccentricities or ordinances that apply. Such things are not pleasant to discover for oneself.

Miss Manners realizes that hosts never follow the universal recommendation to sleep in their own guest rooms to test their comfort, but surely they can manage to do an occasional test run, so to speak, in their own bathrooms. The idea, as with other aspects of hospitality, is to provide for their guests' needs and comforts, trusting their guests not to abuse the situation.

For those who do, the euphemisms a host needs to know are:

"No, no, the bathroom is this way."

"The plumbing is a bit delicate, I'm afraid, but there's a closed trash can in the kitchen."

"If you tell me what you were looking for in the medicine cabinet, perhaps I can find it for you."

And with that, Miss Manners would like to put a lid on the subject and firmly close the door.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: People seem to be apologizing for things that are not their fault. For example: I visited an ATM in one of my local supermarkets. I discovered I had left my card at home. Although there was someone staffing the banking center, he apologized because he didn't have cash on hand to allow me to complete my transaction. It wasn't his fault that I forgot my ATM card.

GENTLE READER: You are shopping at the wrong store, Miss Manners is afraid. You should have no trouble finding one in which the correct answer to your problem, and indeed all customer needs, is, "Hey, lady, what do you expect me to do about it?"

Your finding one of these businesses would have the beneficial effect of shortening the line at this one for the rest of us, who would be only too pleased to deal with the employee whose politeness offended you.

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