DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend is heavily involved in the theater, and we attend shows together on a regular basis. Sometimes these are shows he is "required" to attend (because, for example, he has written them, or because he knows people performing in them), and sometimes they are pure entertainment.
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Inevitably, I will be put into one of two uncomfortable situations. The first is at opening- or closing-night parties, where my boyfriend is usually one of the centers of attention. I am either brushed aside by admirers who wish to chat with him, or, if I make a point of staying nearby, utterly ignored. Even if he introduces me and I try to make conversation, no one even pretends to be interested in what I have to say. I am a very shy person, and introducing myself to people in other vicinities of the party does not seem an option.
The other situation is when we run into people he knows and they immediately begin "talking shop." I am not necessarily excluded here (unless we're already seated, and this person is seated on the other side of him from me), but it's clear I know nothing about what and whom they are talking about. My boyfriend will often say something such as, "Oh, we're being rude, talking business," but they will then go right on doing so.
I realize that these evenings, even when we go for pleasure, are "working events" for my boyfriend, and that schmoozing is important in his business. I always have the option of not going, but I love my boyfriend, and I love the theater, and there must be some sort of etiquette solution to keep the social discomfort at bay. I've considered taking a book to amuse myself until the curtain rises or it's time to go home.
GENTLE READER: Whatever actors may think, there are times when we have to let others occupy the spotlight and gracefully assume supporting roles. Unless the gentleman is manifestly bored at events connected with your occupations or interests (and reading a book when out socially is a dramatic way of displaying boredom), it does not strike Miss Manners as an unreasonable arrangement.
It need not be a nonspeaking part, however. If you open dialogues with others in supporting roles and toss compliments at others in the spotlight, you will soon receive raves of your own.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, a good friend of mine had a first birthday party for her twin boys. It was a barbecue lunch followed by cake. There was a good crowd of family and friends, about 25 adults, who came to celebrate.
One thing that struck me as rather odd and inappropriate is that they did not open up the gifts while everyone was there. They must have thought they would just do it in the "privacy of their own home." I thought this was rude.
Am I overreacting? I just felt that if people came bearing gifts to celebrate that the gifts should be opened and acknowledged in person rather than a short note of thanks in the mail three weeks later. What do you think?
GENTLE READER: That your reaction is not so much going over the top as it is heading in the wrong direction. Not to make a display of opening presents for a child too small to take notice of them indicates a sense of restraint, while writing letters of thanks indicates a higher degree of gratitude than only doing so on the spot. Miss Manners will thank you not to harbor unauthorized thoughts of this being rude.
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