DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend is heavily involved in the theater, and we attend shows together on a regular basis. Sometimes these are shows he is "required" to attend (because, for example, he has written them, or because he knows people performing in them), and sometimes they are pure entertainment.

Inevitably, I will be put into one of two uncomfortable situations. The first is at opening- or closing-night parties, where my boyfriend is usually one of the centers of attention. I am either brushed aside by admirers who wish to chat with him, or, if I make a point of staying nearby, utterly ignored. Even if he introduces me and I try to make conversation, no one even pretends to be interested in what I have to say. I am a very shy person, and introducing myself to people in other vicinities of the party does not seem an option.

The other situation is when we run into people he knows and they immediately begin "talking shop." I am not necessarily excluded here (unless we're already seated, and this person is seated on the other side of him from me), but it's clear I know nothing about what and whom they are talking about. My boyfriend will often say something such as, "Oh, we're being rude, talking business," but they will then go right on doing so.

I realize that these evenings, even when we go for pleasure, are "working events" for my boyfriend, and that schmoozing is important in his business. I always have the option of not going, but I love my boyfriend, and I love the theater, and there must be some sort of etiquette solution to keep the social discomfort at bay. I've considered taking a book to amuse myself until the curtain rises or it's time to go home.

GENTLE READER: Whatever actors may think, there are times when we have to let others occupy the spotlight and gracefully assume supporting roles. Unless the gentleman is manifestly bored at events connected with your occupations or interests (and reading a book when out socially is a dramatic way of displaying boredom), it does not strike Miss Manners as an unreasonable arrangement.

It need not be a nonspeaking part, however. If you open dialogues with others in supporting roles and toss compliments at others in the spotlight, you will soon receive raves of your own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, a good friend of mine had a first birthday party for her twin boys. It was a barbecue lunch followed by cake. There was a good crowd of family and friends, about 25 adults, who came to celebrate.

One thing that struck me as rather odd and inappropriate is that they did not open up the gifts while everyone was there. They must have thought they would just do it in the "privacy of their own home." I thought this was rude.

Am I overreacting? I just felt that if people came bearing gifts to celebrate that the gifts should be opened and acknowledged in person rather than a short note of thanks in the mail three weeks later. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That your reaction is not so much going over the top as it is heading in the wrong direction. Not to make a display of opening presents for a child too small to take notice of them indicates a sense of restraint, while writing letters of thanks indicates a higher degree of gratitude than only doing so on the spot. Miss Manners will thank you not to harbor unauthorized thoughts of this being rude.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a concert put on by an amateur choral group and orchestra, where my husband and I were quite impressed with the performance, a piece that had several movements was performed. I have always believed that one is supposed to wait to the end of the entire piece to applaud, rather than to applaud at the end of each movement.

But in this case, many people began applauding at the end of each movement. The conductor did not turn to acknowledge the applause, and he continued with the next movement, so I feel we were correct in waiting to applaud. However, I did feel uncomfortable not to applaud with others at a performance that I enjoyed. What is correct in this situation?

GENTLE READER: Stripped of its cultural particulars, your question is whether it is correct to be correct or better to join others in being incorrect.

If pressed, Miss Manners could produce examples of good manners requiring suppressing one's own good manners in order not to expose the understandable ignorance of others. Heads of state famously drink from their fingerbowls if their foreign guests do out of unfamiliarity with the custom, but this does not mean that people in ordinary situations should lower their standards to meet those of people who should know better.

In this case, you would be disobeying a practical rule, intended to allow the composition to be heard as a whole, without benefiting anyone. Other members of the audience are unlikely to be overcome with shame at your failing to interrupt the conductor in mid-stream, and he, as you noticed, was clearly annoyed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please give me your thoughts about people who send flowers for a funeral service and designate that the flowers go to a certain family member after the service. Isn't that a lot to ask of a grieving family, to have that extra chore? And doesn't it show favoritism to a certain member of the family? When flowers are sent, shouldn't it be up to the family where they go after the funeral service?

GENTLE READER: The family may be inconvenienced by this, but Miss Manners notices that the person who is slighted is the deceased. Flowers sent to the funeral itself should be addressed "To the funeral of --" and are generally taken to the gravesite afterward.

Flowers may also be sent as a condolence to bereaved individuals by their own particular connections. Miss Manners would hope that a grieving family would not be so petty as to fret over who gets more.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a vegetarian, and I am wondering what to do when responding to wedding invitations that offer a meal choice between two meat alternatives. I do not want to demand a "special meal" from my hosts. Do I not check any? Or check either one and tell the server at the wedding? Or do I just write vegetarian on the invitation?

GENTLE READER: Your desire to spare your hosts preparing a special meal is admirable, but we are not talking here about their spending hours in the kitchen. This is not a true social form, but merely a tally for a caterer, and any experienced caterer will count on serving a certain number of vegetarian meals.

Still, Miss Manners agrees that simply ordering a meal sounds crude. She suggests writing, "No meat, thank you."

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When the United States Supreme Court strode bravely through two fields of etiquette that Miss Manners knows to be strewn with landmines, she had full confidence that it would emerge safely. This is because the justices were careful to stick to handling the legal aspects, at which they are quite good, and leave the difficult part to her.

The two fearsome areas are canvassing and tipping. In the etiquette business, they are recognized as major sources of annoyance and anxiety in which the rude are generally rewarded and those trying hardest to be polite are the most likely to be victimized.

The doorbell rings, and the resident allows himself to be interrupted and to be addressed on views and beliefs that are considered so personal that one is cautioned not to bring them up lightly with even one's most intimate friends. Many feel that once they discover that the summons is not connected with an anticipated package or guest, they are trapped and owe the courtesy of listening, even if they have no intention of changing their politics or religion. It is the ones who respond rudely with threats, insults and slammed doors who minimize the imposition.

Tipping upsets both those who are worried that they are not giving the right amount and those who are certain that they are not getting the right amount. The formulae are so complicated with factors of geography and luxury level, as well as job description and quality of service, that there is plenty of room for abuse from all parties -- customer, employee and employer -- and it usually comes laced with some form of rudeness.

Rudeness is not illegal, nor should it be, even though it would save Miss Manners a great deal of trouble to be able to back up her persuasive powers with police action. The law has quite enough to do without nosing into every case of petty irritation.

The Supreme Court upheld freedom of speech when it struck down a village ordinance that would control door-to-door canvassing through issuing permits. In regard to tipping, it dealt only with the tax angle, permitting the Internal Revenue Service to estimate tips when calculating payroll taxes.

Fortunately, Miss Manners can offer some relief to polite people who feel obligated to hear out strangers who ring their doorbells. The choice is not between rudeness and pretending to be interested when one is not. Those who have peepholes in their doors may ignore any summons entirely, and those who open the door mistakenly may properly close it quietly after saying, "Thank you, but I'm not interested." They should regard it as saving the canvasser's time, as well as their own.

Tipping is a more difficult area, because the etiquette outrages are legion: Customers who stiff low-paid employees whose tips are an expected part of their income, workers who use embarrassment or insult to extract larger tips, industry spokesmen who give out false etiquette information about how much tipping is proper, and so on.

Even the supposed advantages of the tipping are questionable. The idea that one gets better service by paying above the stated price cannot escape the implication that substandard service is otherwise provided -- unfair as that may be in the case of hard-working individuals. And the notion that it is a way of rewarding hard work is undercut by the fact that the lavish tips go to the august people who assign tables rather than to the people who bus those tables.

Having long campaigned in vain to abolish this unseemly system and build the cost of service into the price of doing business, Miss Manners sees hope in the new decision. Whatever is said in defense of tipping as a privilege for the customer and an incentive for the worker, it is an open secret that its true value is its elusiveness in regard to taxes.

Should this decision make it worthwhile to pay restaurant and other workers a full and dependable income, she will be most grateful to her legal sisters and brethren.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you are having a party, dinner or whatever the occasion, and you state a time that it starts, what do you do when a guest comes unexpectedly an hour early? What is the proper etiquette on handling guests arriving to a party before the start time of the event?

GENTLE READER: First you reassure the embarrassed guest that he need not be embarrassed by saying, "I'm so glad to have a chance for a real visit with you before the others get here." Then you leave him sitting alone in the living room while you finish getting dressed.

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