"Show your American pride!" proclaims the advertisement. Stars and stripes blaze through the block letters of the word "American."

The flag of the United States, in its entirety or bits and pieces thereof, is the decorative element on the merchandise -- clothing, coin purses (one of these in the shape of lips), mugs, flasks, dishes, wine glasses, pens, flashlights and cosmetic bags -- being offered for those responding to the call to display their patriotism. Since Sept. 11, many such items are being worn or used, but even before then, it was not uncommon to see the American flag on sweaters, T-shirts and bathing suits, and as a device to draw attention to goods for sale in connection with Independence Day and George Washington's birthday.

This particular advertisement, however, happened to come from the store on an American military base, where servicemen and servicewomen buy their regulation uniforms and insignia. And there happen to be regulations against using the country's flag in such ways.

Every Fourth of July, legions of Miss Manners' Gentle Readers, fearing she is not strict enough about such things, kindly send her copies of the Flag Code approved by the United States Congress. Among other things, it states that "the flag should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever," that it should "not be embroidered on such articles as cushions and handkerchiefs and the like," and never be "used as wearing apparel," costumes or athletic uniforms.

Now, if Miss Manners were any stricter, her worried Gentle Readers could probably use her as a flagpole. So although the Flag Code is unenforceable by law, it should be enforceable by etiquette. She ought to be glaring at violators until their toes curl, and righteous citizens everywhere should consider their country's honor attacked and defend it.

But she is not, and neither are other patriots.

Miss Manners remembers when that sort of confrontation was common. The rules were so well known that protesters who wanted a visually provocative way to demonstrate disapproval of their country dressed pretty much the way thousands of patriotic citizens have started dressing in order to demonstrate their support of their country. They have simply flipped the national symbolism to make an explicit sign of disrespect into one of loyalty.

Ignorance of etiquette never surprises Miss Manners, she is sad to say. And the cry of "everybody does it" has never made her shrink from condemning a deterioration in manners.

But this is not a case of rules being defied in contempt of what they symbolize; on the contrary, the rule-breakers clearly intend an enthusiastic display of loyalty. Nor did these customs fade from general use because of laziness, greed, or the other usual motivations by which the courtesies of society are dropping off.

Rather than dropping the underlying emotion, those draping themselves in versions of the American flag intend to project the same concept that is intended in the rules. They may even have mistakenly interpolated legitimacy from flag lapel pins, which were never proscribed, and decided that if a small flag showed pride, bigger items would show more of it.

Symbolism being arbitrary by definition, it does change over time. Think of the generations that wear long hair to annoy their elders alternating with those who symbolize youthful defiance with shaved heads. When military facilities tout flag-wearing, it is no time for traditionalists to go on the attack against their compatriots.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel fairly certain that a male friend of my husband's and mine has a crush on me. He's an honorable person, and I trust that this and his regard for my husband will prevent him from ever voicing or acting on such a feeling.

What are my obligations in this situation? I've already tried to refrain from asking any of the normal little favors one asks of friends, feeling that he might feel overly obligated to help out when it might be inconvenient.

Would it be a kindness to avoid him altogether, or should I just pretend not to have noticed and wait for it to pass? And if I should meet an agreeable lady and want to introduce them, would that be acceptable?

GENTLE READER: Your obligation is to pretend you don't notice. This would serve the double purpose of discouraging his hopes and encouraging his self-control by allowing him to believe that it has at least salvaged his dignity.

Avoiding him counts as noticing, Miss Manners is afraid. Introducing him to an agreeable lady is a convincing way of making him notice your failure to notice, much less to share, his feelings for you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We now have the all-time low in tasteless retirement/going-away gifts. I saw a very masculine gentleman "honored" for 25 years of service with a certificate for a facial and massage at a day spa. Our very conservative minister was given a karaoke machine to honor 10 years of service and his departure to a new parish.

Whatever happened to the idea that these kinds of gifts should be silver, porcelain or crystal, designed to last two lifetimes?

GENTLE READER: Oddly enough, what sometimes happens is that the standard corporate present has been dropped in favor of something intended to be more personal. Yet, that attempt, so charming in private life, can be disastrous in professional life, where the individual's taste may not be known -- or may be a vanity that is known, but that the recipient may not be thrilled to have publicly revealed.

Miss Manners' other, perhaps shrewder, guess is that these people are being given whatever happens to be available free, regardless of its suitability.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need guidance as to whether an ancient rule of etiquette is still applicable in this day and age. Now, I know that your immediate response will be a resounding "Yes!" -- but please hear me out.

I am referring to the rule that says that guests may not leave a wedding reception until the bride and groom cut the cake. I agree that this was a perfectly good rule when the bridal couple used to leave the wedding reception at a decent hour in order to commence their wedding trip.

It seems to me that now that brides and grooms no longer believe that marriage is a prerequisite to having what used to be called marital relations, they are much less eager to commence the wedding trip. They are remaining at the wedding reception for hours on end in order to enjoy the party for which they (or their parents) have paid dearly. The cake remains untouched into the very late hours of the evening.

Please, Miss Manners, may the rules of etiquette be adjusted to reflect that the guests may leave the reception after a reasonable period of time, say, after the food has been eaten, they've danced a dance or two, and they've gushed over the bridal couple -- although the cake is not cut? I am begging for some relief here!

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners resents the assumption that she will defend all ancient rules against reform. It is an essential part of her life's work to guide such change when it is warranted.

However, this does include resisting change that would merely constitute deterioration, such as the common bridal presumption that it is no longer necessary to thank one's benefactors. But your point is well taken.

In fact, it was not just the cake-cutting for which guests were supposed to wait, but the departure of the bridal couple -- many of whom now stay around until breakfast. Miss Manners hereby releases guests who have stayed through the ceremony and the meal or reasonably long reception that follows, lest they begin to despair that they are in for witnessing the entire marriage.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I date strictly outside of my race, and I am never sure how to inform people politely that my family is interracial. My children do not look mixed at all, which creates a problem as well.

When men who are not of my preference approach me on the street, I try to tell them politely that they are not my type, but they continue to press the issue. I hate to be so blunt about it when I tell them that I do not date men of my race, but sometimes this causes even more problems. How can I politely inform people of this without being offensive?

I would also like to know how to bring up my preference at the office. I am working at a new office where everyone is very laid back and social with each other. My co-workers are constantly having get-togethers, which include their families. Since I am not currently seeing anyone, I am becoming the subject of matchmaking.

How can I tell my co-workers that I date exclusively outside of my race? Please try to find time to address this. I know there are others out there like me.

GENTLE READER: Let us hope not. Miss Manners is not crazy about racists (even self-referential ones) who pick up their social life on the street.

There is no polite way to declare that this is what you are. She can only suggest that you keep it decently hidden from your co-workers by merely letting it be known that you do not care to be the subject of any matchmaking. As for those who attempt to pick you up on the street, you could pretend to be respectable and ignore them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in an apartment in a large apartment building and try to be considerate of our neighbors, in part by not making loud noises during inappropriate times of day. Please tell us, when exactly are those times?

If you would be so kind, please address the use of a vacuum cleaner specifically. After what hour of the morning and before what hour of the evening is it appropriate to run the vacuum cleaner in an apartment? Also, are these times the same all seven days of the week, or are there extended hours on weekends?

We assure Miss Manners that we do avoid making loud noises at all times throughout the day, but we would like some advice for those times when it is unavoidable.

GENTLE READER: The advice is: Talk to the people who live in the apartment next to yours on the right. Talk to the people who live in the apartment next to yours on the left. Talk to the people who live in the apartment above you. And talk to the people who live in the apartment below you. If you know their habits, you may be able to work out a vacuuming schedule that suits them without unduly inconveniencing yourself.

Miss Manners realizes that this involves making four inquiries as opposed to the one that you made to her. But she can only tell you the generalities -- that reasonable quiet should be maintained approximately from 10 p.m. until 8 a.m. and until 10 a.m. on weekends. It may turn out that your actual neighbors are on the night shift, have invalids or babies who keep odd hours, or were hoping themselves to vacuum at midnight.

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