Free!

The very word never fails to stir the emotions, in whichever of the great variety of contexts it is used. One has only to think of the citizen's pride in sacred freedoms or yearning for freedoms denied; the child's dream of being free of supervision and subsequent panic when it comes to pass; the worker's pleasure when freed from the workplace at the end of the day, the patient's relief when freed from the hospital, the student's exuberance when freed for the summer.

Miss Manners notices, however, that there is one special instance that really seems to stir the emotions: Free! as in getting something for nothing.

Naturally, everyone loves receiving presents, although apparently not enough to justify the exertion of informing the donor of this. Probably the recipients are still worn out from the exertion of informing all possible donors beforehand what they expect.

But in addition to the tributes exacted for occasions of their own, people have now come to consider that no occasion is truly festive unless they go home full-handed. And the inflated expectation and proliferation of party favors and souvenirs has led to some ugly behavior.

For an example, one need only linger at the door as the late crowd departs from a swish charity event. Inevitably, the little shopping bags of free perfume and gadgets that are now considered as essential to the festivity as drinks will have run out before all the charitable guests do. The tickets for these fundraisers may be hundreds or even thousands of dollars, and the ticket holders may have many times that in the way of dry goods on their own persons. Yet, this deprivation arouses an unseemly display of righteous and unseemly indignation.

Thus the sweet gesture of giving guests party favors, adapted -- as so much modern behavior is -- from the model of the children's birthday party, has developed into an entitlement and a disappointment.

At that, the behavior of the disgruntled, also patterned on that at children's birthday parties, is likely to be a step above that of some of the earlier-departing ticket holders. They are the prime suspects in causing the shortage by swiping more than one bag of party favors apiece.

Private large-scale events, even ceremonial ones, are not exempt from these practices. Many do not consider a bit of wedding cake to dream on to be sufficient recompense for attending, and the faux-etiquette industry is trying to insist that party favors be provided. Even then, people who may not actually pilfer the belongings of their friends might add to the take with something from the place at which the reception is held.

Realizing that souvenirs are no longer limited to what people buy -- and suffering huge losses from petty customer theft -- the travel industry often provides free goods as well, such as drug store items in hotels and socks in airplanes. Ostensibly these are for use during the trip, but Miss Manners notices how carefully people collect but then just pack away items they could easily buy if they wanted them.

She has never understood why, perhaps because she refuses to listen to the rationale, as illogical as it is unpleasant, that this constitutes revenge against paying the bills they have voluntarily incurred. Except that their souls are stirred uncontrollably when they hear that word: Free!

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I drink tea and have noticed a small tab on the inner rim of the teapot lid. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I assume this is to keep the lid in place when pouring.

Should the lid be turned so that the tab is positioned nearer the spout or the handle of the teapot? Or elsewhere?

GENTLE READER: Toward the spout. Your question prompted Miss Manners to attempt a small experiment, from which she was astounded to discover that the lid will still fall off if you tilt the teapot enough, although perhaps not as quickly as if the tab were toward the handle. Fortunately, it occurred to her to drink the tea before performing the experiment.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As wonderful as graduation is, it is driving me crazy. I am absolutely baffled about how to write a proper thank-you note for the material and monetary gifts that I am receiving.

I hate receiving thank-you cards to the effect of, "Thank you for the lovely (blank). I will put it to good use. Thanks again."

They have always seemed very insincere to me, but I have no clue what else to write! I need some form of outline to address any gift from $5 to a picture frame to $100 to a piece of furniture, etc. Please, help!

GENTLE READER: Rote letters are bad, Miss Manners agrees, but she must warn you that sincere ones can be worse. Sincerity is responsible for the etiquette crime of admitting that a present is disappointing and needs to be exchanged.

Good thank-you letters are about the writer's feelings for the present and for the donor. But even if these happen to be positive, they will require artificial enhancement. You don't say, "I liked the frame," but that you were thrilled by it; not "The $5 will come in handy," but, "I was touched by your generous remembrance." And for $100, you can make it "extremely generous."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a fabulous European city that most people only dream of visiting. My question, alas, relates to moochers.

Not infrequently, people call me up or write me to announce, "We're coming to your (fabulous European) city! Can we stay with you for 10 days/two weeks/one month?"

Sometimes they don't even ask whether they can stay with me -- they just assume that the answer will be yes and make their plans accordingly. Recently, a friend of mine, a European, announced that she and her husband have 10 days' vacation, and it would be a "good time" for them to come here. She added that wherever it was they decided to go, they would have to have free lodging. (They just returned from two weeks in Miami, where they did not have free lodging.)

My apartment is 78 square meters and has one bathroom. However, even if it were a palatial residence, I still think that two weeks is too much. We are all in our mid-30s, and we all have jobs.

My general rule of thumb for visitors is that one person who has come specifically to see me (and not just for a free hotel) can stay for a week to 10 days. Two people can stay for no more than four days, and if they have children or dogs, less than that.

Is that unreasonable? Am I too rigid? I am single but would never dream of staying in anyone's home for more than a few days, and in fact, I generally opt for a hotel when possible.

I should add that most visitors, although they are getting free food and lodging, seem to get wallet amnesia when I'm doing the tour-guide bit around town and country. Whether it's a cappuccino or a sumptuous dinner, when it's time to pay the bill, they decide to visit the facilities.

Am I a misanthrope? Or are my would-be guests out of line?

GENTLE READER: Sounds more to Miss Manners as if they are forming a line around your block. And who can blame them, as you are offering free vacations?

All right, you are not exactly offering. However, accepting reservations upon request amounts to the same thing.

Miss Manners fears that in learning the language of your country of residence, you may have forgotten how to say no. The polite way is, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I can't have you here, do call me, though, and we'll get together." Preferably this is delivered in advance, although if you have no warning, it can also be said on the doorstep.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you have any ideas about how to tell people gently and pleasantly that they are not on the invitation list to your daughter's wedding?

I have now put on weddings for two daughters and will be doing so again for another daughter. I was very surprised to learn that people of one's acquaintance assume that they will be invited and are personally hurt when they learn that they are not on the list.

Example conversation with a friend:

He: So, what's going on with you?

Me: I'm very excited. My daughter is engaged!

He: When is the wedding?

Me: (date)

He: Great! I'll put it down on the calendar, and we'll be sure to be there.

Me: Uh ... duh ... hmmm ... um. Actually, I think my daughter and her fiance are planning to invite only people they know, you know, like their friends and family.

He: Well, aren't you inviting your friends, too?

Me: Well, yes, but only our good friends. (Ouch.) I mean people who have known the girls growing up or people who have met them before. (Oh, well, so much for that friendship.)

Another example:

Acquaintance of my daughter: Hey, I hear you got married!

Daughter: Yes, in April.

Acquaintance: Well, I had to find out from Charlotte. I was really surprised you got married and didn't invite me.

Daughter: We had a small wedding and invited mostly family and close friends.

Acquaintance: But you invited Charlotte. I always thought you and I were close.

And so it goes. I had had no idea that people assumed weddings were free-for-alls with everyone from the highways and byways of your life invited. Some people are simply rude and can be snubbed, but others are genuinely hurt and puzzled that you do not consider them to be among your close friends.

I have tried reiterating that we have big families, that the girls prefer small weddings, but nothing seems to make a difference. Can you come up with a response that doesn't hurt people's feelings?

GENTLE READER: Which feelings are those? Miss Manners has trouble believing in the emotional delicacy of people who demand invitations to private events and then brush off the very euphemisms designed to spare them the embarrassment they are causing.

She does, however, admire your delicacy -- just enough to commend you for it, but not enough to recommend your giving in to social blackmail. In addition to whatever reasons you originally had to omit these people from the guest list, you now have two more: They are careless about your feelings, and they have no compunction about violating social rules. These are not good harbingers of how they would behave at the wedding.

While you should certainly be gentle, rather than as blunt and rude as they, Miss Manners will allow you to be as oblivious to hints as they are. No matter what they say, just keep repeating, "You're so kind to take an interest."

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