That will be enough, thank you. Now is not the time to giggle about how prissy and trivial etiquette is, and how ridiculous to imagine it can foist its silliness on real people.

Miss Manners has tried to be a sport while the raffish have their tedious little jokes, but her weak smile has grown ever weaker over the years. Possibly this is because the repertory never varies.

Joke one: Tea parties!

Joke two: White gloves!

Joke three, the one that really propels them into the heights of hilarity: Forks! (Apparently, real people consider their inability to manage their food to be an asset.)

Tee hee.

But it appears that Miss Manners is not alone in deploring the demise of manners in society. It was no surprise to her that a poll undertaken by Public Agenda found that 79 percent of those surveyed declared rudeness to be a major problem.

What does surprise her is that there are still so many people trying to sabotage efforts to fix the problem. Statistically, some of them must be those same people.

What is more, she has seen them in action. These are the folks who deplore the awful behavior of modern children, and then break in, when a parent is instructing a child to say thank you or wait his turn instead of pushing, or stop banging on things, with: "Oh, leave him alone, he's only a child. Let him enjoy himself."

And, of course, everyone is after the ultimate sweet deal -- the freedom to do anything you feel like, no matter how it affects others, along with the requirement that those others treat you with strict politeness. If such a situation were feasible, even Miss Manners might be tempted to go for it, but unfortunately, it doesn't work. The same restraints have to apply to everyone.

So how do the scoffers reconcile the desire for civility with undermining etiquette?

That is where the tea parties, white gloves and forks come in. They define etiquette as consisting of rules they don't know and feel do not affect them (never mind how adversely affected their spouses' appetites may be over the way they eat). They ignore the fact that there are rules they do find important, such as returning a high five, not driving slowly in the fast lane, and being waited on first when they were there first.

Then they declare that while people should be nice and considerate to one another, they should do so naturally, without being bound by any rules.

Didn't we just try that? Didn't we just come through nearly half a century of advocating an etiquette-free society, where people would use their own judgment about how to behave, and not have to follow any rules?

And didn't it work out about as well as if we had abolished the legal system in favor of just telling everyone to please behave morally?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will soon have handicap license plates on my car, and I have been warned that as a member of the "invisible" handicapped, I will be the target of much abuse.

What is a mannerly response to the people who will inevitably confront me?

I know this is none of their business, but I am a lady and do not wish to be rude by ignoring these ignorant judges of parking spaces. I would happily change places with them, even for a day, to be pain free and "abled."

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners deeply appreciates your supplying your own answer. This saves her a lot of work. The only addition she needs to make, on her way out to the porch swing with a mimosa and the new Henry James novel, is to caution you to use a pleasant tone when you voice your willingness to change places with the vigilantes.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 22 and have been in a relationship for three years now. My best friend, who is the same age, is also in a relationship, going on over a year. Here is my problem: She seems to feel the need to relay to me every single aspect of their romance, whether it's sexual, emotional, or even "Oh, guess what John said/e-mailed to me today!"

I don't mean to be callous; it's natural for a young lady to be excited about a relationship, but that tell-all feeling usually passes after the relationship has entered the long-term phase. I know I personally still don't feel the need to report to her every detail in the relationship between my boyfriend and me. It's getting more and more difficult to muster up enthusiasm or even interest in the minutiae of their courtship.

I've joked with her that "30 years from now, when you two are married, I might not listen anymore!" but she just laughed and carried on. Should I keep listening, or is there a gentle way to say that maybe it's time she keeps all these details to herself? I'm happy for her, but I'm ready for a new topic of conversation.

GENTLE READER: As you understand, your friend is in the familiar shouting-it-from-the-housetops stage of romance, which, fortunately, does not last forever. The lady in question appears to have less discretion than most, but Miss Manners promises that even she will eventually stop.

In the meantime, best friends do have to endure some of this. From your remark that you don't "still" feel the need, Miss Manners gathers that at one time you must have cornered this lady, or other friends, with similar confidences.

You can make a few protests, such as, "You know I can't keep a secret," and "I'm never going to be able to look John in the eye," and "Stop, please, you're embarrassing me." Beyond that, Miss Manners recommends resigning yourself to using the time for a mental review of your grocery list.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 9 years old. When I call a friend and they're not home and I leave a message on their answering machine, how long should I wait until I call a different friend? How many hours should I wait until I call a different friend without hurting the first friend's feelings? Then when my other friend returns my call and I already have a friend over, what should I do?

GENTLE READER: If you are old enough to issue invitations, Miss Manners believes you are old enough to learn a secret that many adults get into trouble for not knowing:

Invitations do not have to be open-ended to be gracious. Now is the time to learn to put time limits. Your message should be, "I'm hoping you can come over to my house. Call me by three if you can come today, but if you can't, please call me tomorrow and let's pick another day."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be attending the wedding of my boyfriend's best friend in a few weeks. I don't know either the bride or groom well, if at all. We went to dinner once with the couple when we visited their home in the Midwest, and we spent an evening with his friend when he was in town visiting us in the West. I agreed to attend the wedding because I know how much it means to my boyfriend for me to be there. My boyfriend just recently purchased a new home and does not have the money to buy my plane ticket, so I spent almost $300 for a ticket. I'm not sure what etiquette dictates. Should I give them a wedding gift?

GENTLE READER: Considering the enormous favor you are already doing them -- by conferring on them, on this momentous occasion in their lives, the presence of a near-stranger?

Miss Manners is afraid that that does not count, priceless as the experience may be for the bridal couple. Transportation and housing costs are the responsibility of the guests, who may consider the expense a factor in whether or not to attend the wedding, but may not charge it to the account of their hosts, literally or otherwise. Wedding presents are customary from people who presumably care enough about the couple to attend their wedding. Or who care enough about someone who does care enough, etc. This means that you can go in with your beau on a joint present. How you split that cost is up to the two of you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Because I am an employee, I ran our hospital's annual 5K race. The hospital's chief operating officer and CEO -- somewhat above me on the leadership ladder -- ran the race. They began the race on the start line due to their roles, and I started yards behind them.

It wasn't a huge race, and many runners were solo after the first mile; with an age advantage it didn't take me long to pass them both. Should I have been collegial and made some pleasant acknowledgment as I was passing each runner such as "Good pace," or is it rude to draw attention to oneself while going past a competitor -- recalling the old line: "You're not supposed to beat your boss at golf"?

GENTLE READER: That is presuming that your boss wants to employ only cheats (reverse cheats, it is true, but cheats all the same) and toadies. Evidently yours do, or they would base the handicaps on ability, rather than rank.

However, Miss Manners does not care for your idea of collegiality. It is one thing to win a competition honestly, but quite another to sail by while complimenting the other entrants on keeping up a losing pace.

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