DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be attending the wedding of my boyfriend's best friend in a few weeks. I don't know either the bride or groom well, if at all. We went to dinner once with the couple when we visited their home in the Midwest, and we spent an evening with his friend when he was in town visiting us in the West. I agreed to attend the wedding because I know how much it means to my boyfriend for me to be there. My boyfriend just recently purchased a new home and does not have the money to buy my plane ticket, so I spent almost $300 for a ticket. I'm not sure what etiquette dictates. Should I give them a wedding gift?

GENTLE READER: Considering the enormous favor you are already doing them -- by conferring on them, on this momentous occasion in their lives, the presence of a near-stranger?

Miss Manners is afraid that that does not count, priceless as the experience may be for the bridal couple. Transportation and housing costs are the responsibility of the guests, who may consider the expense a factor in whether or not to attend the wedding, but may not charge it to the account of their hosts, literally or otherwise. Wedding presents are customary from people who presumably care enough about the couple to attend their wedding. Or who care enough about someone who does care enough, etc. This means that you can go in with your beau on a joint present. How you split that cost is up to the two of you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Because I am an employee, I ran our hospital's annual 5K race. The hospital's chief operating officer and CEO -- somewhat above me on the leadership ladder -- ran the race. They began the race on the start line due to their roles, and I started yards behind them.

It wasn't a huge race, and many runners were solo after the first mile; with an age advantage it didn't take me long to pass them both. Should I have been collegial and made some pleasant acknowledgment as I was passing each runner such as "Good pace," or is it rude to draw attention to oneself while going past a competitor -- recalling the old line: "You're not supposed to beat your boss at golf"?

GENTLE READER: That is presuming that your boss wants to employ only cheats (reverse cheats, it is true, but cheats all the same) and toadies. Evidently yours do, or they would base the handicaps on ability, rather than rank.

However, Miss Manners does not care for your idea of collegiality. It is one thing to win a competition honestly, but quite another to sail by while complimenting the other entrants on keeping up a losing pace.

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Watch out! Someone is coming at you with the clear intention of saying hello.

Will your shoulder be thumped or your fist be bumped? Will your hand be slapped? High five? Low five? Will you receive a pat on the cheek or a pinch on the cheek? A grabbing of the forearm or a full leap into both arms?

Will you be hugged or kissed? Kissed on the cheek or the mouth? Which cheek? How many times?

The chances of receiving a curtsey are not big unless you make a living teaching ballet, running debutante balls or reigning. But the bow and namaste are not uncommon, although not necessarily performed by, respectively, Japanese or Hindus.

The handshake is more of a rarity these days, unless performed with four hands, either in a pile-up, patty-cake style, or sandwich style, with one set taking the outside and the other inside. The hands may also be used to grab or snap a finger, curl the fingers together, or execute some combination of such gestures.

You never know, and you may also not know who that person is bearing down on you. Someone you obviously know but whose name you can't remember? Someone you don't know and whose surname you will never be told?

What will be said, or what will you be expected to say? How're you doing? Pleased to meetcha? Wassup?

Miss Manners realizes that etiquette's stodgy old greeting routine is considered too complicated for any sensible person to spend the time mastering. It decrees that gentlemen are introduced to ladies, young people to their elders, and lower-ranking people to high officials. Not only do you have to figure out which is which, but then you have to figure the combinations. Suppose the lady is a young prime minister and the gentleman is an elderly bishop? (Answer: "I presume that two such distinguished people as you already know each other.")

You also have to chose among the correct things to say on being introduced: "Good morning" or "Good evening," which requires checking the position of the sun; or "Hello" or "How do you do?" depending on the formality of the occasion, and whether you can count on the other person to understand that the answer to "How do you do?" is "How do you do?" even though that makes two questions in a row. (Etiquette opposes any declaration of being pleased to meet someone on the cynical grounds that it may not turn out to be a pleasure.)

The simple part is supposed to be the handshake, which Miss Manners would have thought to be quite warm enough as a start for an acquaintanceship or an evening. True, the lady/older/ranking person has to initiate the gesture, but we have to wrestle with identifying which one that is, anyway.

There are exceptions and objections to handshaking -- religious, physical and hygienic -- and exemptions are granted. But the gesture itself has been so well known that a refusal to participate has to be explained ("I'm so sorry, but I can't shake hands"), because a refusal to shake hands is a symbolic insult (and thus a handy gesture when faced with tyrants and outlaws). Unless, of course, you are too busy thumping, bumping and kissing, or positioning yourself to dodge or return whatever may be thrown your way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter had breast enhancement surgery -- nothing outlandish, but a bit larger than most girls her size, and both men and women she barely knows ask, "Are those real?"

If she doesn't say anything, they assume her breasts are fake. Can you think of a comeback that will put them in their place and keep them guessing?

GENTLE READER: You wish to encourage your daughter to banter with strangers about her breasts, so as to keep them speculating? And exactly what made you think that Miss Manners would agree to join in the fun?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am throwing a birthday party for my 1-year old son in a couple of weeks. While he is too young to understand the occasion, I thought it was a nice opportunity to bring family and friends together.

I mailed out printed invitations indicating that the party will begin at 4 p.m. Several family members, including cousins and aunts, will be coming from out of town and have asked to come a few hours early. I may have as many as 15 people at my house by 2 p.m. While I'm delighted that some people will travel several hours to attend our party, I planned the party to begin at 4 because of the baby's nap schedule.

My immediate family is staying with me for the weekend and will obviously be in my home for the day. My mother-in-law, knowing this, is arguing that I can't expect people (herself included) to drive for several hours for a two-hour party.

Should I just take the attitude that family is always welcome in our home or insist that people not come early, even if it means that they will not come at all?

GENTLE READER: Technically, you are responsible only for entertaining guests when you said you would. But technically, they are responsible only for answering your invitation with thanks, not for accepting it and driving from out of town to celebrate the birthday of a 1-year-old child.

That is rather nice of them. With all due deference to your baby's schedule, Miss Manners is disturbed that you expect your family to invest more time and trouble into this occasion than you are willing to do. If you cannot arrange to make the occasion convenient for your -- and his -- doting family, you should not put them through the inconvenience of attending.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a problem with people who keep their tables set with china, crystal and matching linens. At first I thought I'd walked in on an impending luncheon and started apologizing for coming by without calling.

Years and years later, these two friends are still doing it. I wonder where the family eats, as this is the only table in the breakfast area.

I must say my friends have some of the most beautiful table "settings" I have ever seen. It's so elegant that I can't imagine messing it up. Is this proper etiquette? I tell myself if it gives them as much pleasure and love, who am I to get a little put out when I first walk in?

GENTLE READER: Oh, dear, we etiquetteers must remember not to take anything for granted. Miss Manners is afraid that your friends saw pictures of properly set tables in etiquette books and jumped to the conclusion that the absence of people at the tables meant that there weren't supposed to be any.

She would hate to think that her noble profession, which exists to make life pleasanter for actual human beings, bore responsibility for the curious idea that the well-appointed home is an end in itself, not to be sullied by use. She is afraid that you have a touch of this attitude yourself, as you cannot imagine messing up eating equipment by eating with it. Short of painting Impressionist pictures of it, what else do you think you are supposed to do with it?

The purpose of a dining room table, along with plates, glasses, flatware and linens of whatever quality, is to be used to eat meals. Between meals, the most that should be on the table is a runner and centerpiece or such seasonal decorations as the receipts for filling out one's income tax, the notes for one's term paper or the paper and ribbon for wrapping presents.

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