Watch out! Someone is coming at you with the clear intention of saying hello.

Will your shoulder be thumped or your fist be bumped? Will your hand be slapped? High five? Low five? Will you receive a pat on the cheek or a pinch on the cheek? A grabbing of the forearm or a full leap into both arms?

Will you be hugged or kissed? Kissed on the cheek or the mouth? Which cheek? How many times?

The chances of receiving a curtsey are not big unless you make a living teaching ballet, running debutante balls or reigning. But the bow and namaste are not uncommon, although not necessarily performed by, respectively, Japanese or Hindus.

The handshake is more of a rarity these days, unless performed with four hands, either in a pile-up, patty-cake style, or sandwich style, with one set taking the outside and the other inside. The hands may also be used to grab or snap a finger, curl the fingers together, or execute some combination of such gestures.

You never know, and you may also not know who that person is bearing down on you. Someone you obviously know but whose name you can't remember? Someone you don't know and whose surname you will never be told?

What will be said, or what will you be expected to say? How're you doing? Pleased to meetcha? Wassup?

Miss Manners realizes that etiquette's stodgy old greeting routine is considered too complicated for any sensible person to spend the time mastering. It decrees that gentlemen are introduced to ladies, young people to their elders, and lower-ranking people to high officials. Not only do you have to figure out which is which, but then you have to figure the combinations. Suppose the lady is a young prime minister and the gentleman is an elderly bishop? (Answer: "I presume that two such distinguished people as you already know each other.")

You also have to chose among the correct things to say on being introduced: "Good morning" or "Good evening," which requires checking the position of the sun; or "Hello" or "How do you do?" depending on the formality of the occasion, and whether you can count on the other person to understand that the answer to "How do you do?" is "How do you do?" even though that makes two questions in a row. (Etiquette opposes any declaration of being pleased to meet someone on the cynical grounds that it may not turn out to be a pleasure.)

The simple part is supposed to be the handshake, which Miss Manners would have thought to be quite warm enough as a start for an acquaintanceship or an evening. True, the lady/older/ranking person has to initiate the gesture, but we have to wrestle with identifying which one that is, anyway.

There are exceptions and objections to handshaking -- religious, physical and hygienic -- and exemptions are granted. But the gesture itself has been so well known that a refusal to participate has to be explained ("I'm so sorry, but I can't shake hands"), because a refusal to shake hands is a symbolic insult (and thus a handy gesture when faced with tyrants and outlaws). Unless, of course, you are too busy thumping, bumping and kissing, or positioning yourself to dodge or return whatever may be thrown your way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter had breast enhancement surgery -- nothing outlandish, but a bit larger than most girls her size, and both men and women she barely knows ask, "Are those real?"

If she doesn't say anything, they assume her breasts are fake. Can you think of a comeback that will put them in their place and keep them guessing?

GENTLE READER: You wish to encourage your daughter to banter with strangers about her breasts, so as to keep them speculating? And exactly what made you think that Miss Manners would agree to join in the fun?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am throwing a birthday party for my 1-year old son in a couple of weeks. While he is too young to understand the occasion, I thought it was a nice opportunity to bring family and friends together.

I mailed out printed invitations indicating that the party will begin at 4 p.m. Several family members, including cousins and aunts, will be coming from out of town and have asked to come a few hours early. I may have as many as 15 people at my house by 2 p.m. While I'm delighted that some people will travel several hours to attend our party, I planned the party to begin at 4 because of the baby's nap schedule.

My immediate family is staying with me for the weekend and will obviously be in my home for the day. My mother-in-law, knowing this, is arguing that I can't expect people (herself included) to drive for several hours for a two-hour party.

Should I just take the attitude that family is always welcome in our home or insist that people not come early, even if it means that they will not come at all?

GENTLE READER: Technically, you are responsible only for entertaining guests when you said you would. But technically, they are responsible only for answering your invitation with thanks, not for accepting it and driving from out of town to celebrate the birthday of a 1-year-old child.

That is rather nice of them. With all due deference to your baby's schedule, Miss Manners is disturbed that you expect your family to invest more time and trouble into this occasion than you are willing to do. If you cannot arrange to make the occasion convenient for your -- and his -- doting family, you should not put them through the inconvenience of attending.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a problem with people who keep their tables set with china, crystal and matching linens. At first I thought I'd walked in on an impending luncheon and started apologizing for coming by without calling.

Years and years later, these two friends are still doing it. I wonder where the family eats, as this is the only table in the breakfast area.

I must say my friends have some of the most beautiful table "settings" I have ever seen. It's so elegant that I can't imagine messing it up. Is this proper etiquette? I tell myself if it gives them as much pleasure and love, who am I to get a little put out when I first walk in?

GENTLE READER: Oh, dear, we etiquetteers must remember not to take anything for granted. Miss Manners is afraid that your friends saw pictures of properly set tables in etiquette books and jumped to the conclusion that the absence of people at the tables meant that there weren't supposed to be any.

She would hate to think that her noble profession, which exists to make life pleasanter for actual human beings, bore responsibility for the curious idea that the well-appointed home is an end in itself, not to be sullied by use. She is afraid that you have a touch of this attitude yourself, as you cannot imagine messing up eating equipment by eating with it. Short of painting Impressionist pictures of it, what else do you think you are supposed to do with it?

The purpose of a dining room table, along with plates, glasses, flatware and linens of whatever quality, is to be used to eat meals. Between meals, the most that should be on the table is a runner and centerpiece or such seasonal decorations as the receipts for filling out one's income tax, the notes for one's term paper or the paper and ribbon for wrapping presents.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently began working for a small law firm consisting of four attorneys. One of the attorneys for whom I work likes to share people's lunches. Sometimes he will take something out of the fridge; other times he will take a little "nibble" while the person is eating lunch from their desk. Sometimes he is courteous enough to ask first; other times he will simply help himself if the person has walked away for a moment. Quite often, I eat lunch in my office, and he will frequently ask me if I brought enough for two, or if I need "help."

I'm on a diet, so I am very meticulous about counting calories, and I rarely bring extra food. I'm afraid that I'm just not as used to his behavior as everyone else in the office seems to be.

Once, his secretary asked me to guard her lunch while she stepped away for a moment. Despite my efforts, he did come by and eat all the chicken off of her chef salad. After he ate my lunch a week ago, I started labeling my food. This made me feel like I was 5. Worst of all, he tries to justify his behavior by saying that if someone leaves their lunch in the fridge for too long, it is "fair game." (I'm talking about a canned item that had been in the fridge for two days.)

I'm really not a stingy person, but I don't feel that I should have to share my lunch with an attorney who is more than successful enough to provide for himself. Should I just stop bringing food to work and eat out? Should I avoid eating lunch at my desk so that I won't have to fend him off? Would it be tacky to invest in a lunch box with a lock? What do you say?

GENTLE READER: He likes "to share" other people's property without their permission, especially when they aren't guarding it? And he deems it "fair game" to appropriate anything that is, in his opinion, left around "too long"?

Are these the terms your firm uses to defend clients who like to share other people's money that they leave lying around in the bank for too long?

Miss Manners is afraid that what you have there is a thief, although it would be kinder to state this in terms of psychological illness. Whether you condemn him for helping himself or take the position that he needs help, your lunch will disappear unless you protect it. And you and your colleagues need to keep up your strength so that you can deal with the worse trouble this person is bound to get into.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the register line at my local supermarket or restaurant, many of my fellow patrons stand so close to the person in front of them that their breath ruffles his or her hair. I usually try to inch away from the person, but sometimes they take it to mean that the line is moving and inch up as well.

Is it correct to turn around and ask the person not to stand so close? I am hesitant to do this because I don't want to cause a scene, but it makes me very uncomfortable.

GENTLE READER: Some things are better said silently, and Miss Manners believes that one of them is "Hey, back off, will you?" The turning around part will do it; you needn't say anything.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have what I suspect may be a rather simple question with a complicated answer. I hope I'm wrong.

It seems to happen with increasing frequency that I receive wedding invitations that state the time at which the ceremony will begin, but not the time at which guests are welcome or expected to arrive. I would like to ask when it is appropriate to arrive to a wedding -- or any other event -- when there is no arrival time on the invitation.

Common sense would seem to say that arriving 30 minutes to one hour before the ceremony would be reasonable so that one may give their best wishes to the couple or host (if they are available) and to greet other guests whom one knows. But what does etiquette say on the matter?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hopes you will not be disappointed to hear that you are wrong about asking a simple question with a complicated answer. You have made a complicated question out of a simple matter.

Common sense would say that when you know the hour a ceremony is supposed to begin, you arrive in time to be seated and ready at that time. It might even add that people who are about to participate in a wedding do not have the leisure to entertain their guests beforehand.

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