Here is a vacation bargain: You get free accommodations that are more or less as comfy as what you have at home, only set in a refreshingly different location. Plus you get a trustworthy house-sitter for the time that you are away.

Here is the catch: People will notice little telltale things about your habits and tastes, much beyond the impression your visitors usually have of your quarters. Instead of going about murmuring, "Oh, how lovely," Miss Manners is afraid that (lovely as your place really is, she hastens to assure you) they will be going about enjoying an occasional snicker, and calling out "Hey, come look at this!" to one another.

But here is the saving grace: You won't have to hear them. You will hear nothing but compliments from them in the way of commentary about the way you live.

And here is the guarantee: You know as much about their telltale habits and tastes as they know about yours.

This is the basic deal in a vacation-house exchange. Whether between friends or acquaintances who made the arrangements themselves, or strangers who were matched by a third party or agency, the relationship is a peculiar mixture, and therefore so are the manners.

The situation is not that of host and house-guest, because the hosts are not there to provide those small attentions that please their guests and prevent them from poking around. Yet neither is it exactly that of landlord and tenant, where each righteously registers the shortcomings of the other, untroubled by misgivings about one's self.

The usual niceties and precautions of both situations apply, and Miss Manners trusts that everyone leaves everything clean for the other party, waters the plants and replaces them in kind when they die, provides instructions on how to operate the appliances and whom to call to fix them after you figure you don't need the instructions, takes messages, leaves extra pillows, checks in, and issues warnings about the toilet that is tricky to flush.

In a house exchange, the feeling of closeness you get from living in someone else's house ought to inspire a few extras:

Yes, the owners were supposed to clear out or lock up anything that they didn't want you to see, but don't read the diary and examine the mail anyway, and after you have finished, don't use the information, let alone tell anyone you did. It's a betrayal of people who would be too honorable to do this to you, and they now know an awful lot about you.

It is a bad idea to share your amusement at the decor with your new friends in the neighborhood.

Take out all the trash before you go, even though technically leaving it in the wastebaskets ought to count. One's own trash is revealing, and other people's trash is disgusting.

Finally, when you break something, it is a good idea to confess, if possible before you return to your respective homes. That way, you are less likely to find something of yours set up delicately so that it falls over with the first breath you take.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was informed that engagements should not last longer than six months, ideally, or a year at the most, due to the strain it might cause.

Has this ever been a rule of etiquette? My fiance and I will not be married until after I get my doctorate, which may take four more years, and I don't think this will be more stressful than simply dating for that time.

GENTLE READER: What about the strain on your relatives and friends? Do you think they can bear four years of listening to you talk about your wedding color scheme and which band you should hire? (That's a rule Miss Manners just made up, but she is happy to grant you an exception if you promise to show some exceptional bridal restraint.)

There have been times that society has encouraged short engagements, so that the couple would not have to exercise a different sort of restraint for a prolonged time, and other times in which it has encouraged long engagements so the couple could get to know each other better. We no longer presume either problem, and therefore leave the length of your engagement for you and your fiance to decide.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a recent flight across the country I was able to enjoy the luxury of a first class seat, which included the amenities of a gourmet meal served with linen, silver and a plastic knife. The stranger in the next seat shared with me his obvious enjoyment of the meal through his loud smacking of lips and open-mouthed chewing of the food.

During the time I lived in Asia, I discovered that there are entire worlds of people who feel there is nothing wrong with such an auditory delight in the food they are eating. The noise can stand my hair on end, but my overseas experiences have taught me to focus instead on my own food, and to appreciate the wide variety of dining mores we humans have created.

Perhaps the tedium of the flight amplified my annoyance, but several times I found myself looking over at my seat mate, who outwardly appeared to share my ethnic, cultural, and socio-economic background, with the words forming in my mouth, "Will you please close your mouth when you eat?"

This is not the first time I have found myself in such a situation while eating in public, and I would like your support to make sure I eschew temptation the next time it arises. Am I correct in my belief that it is the responsibility of my seat mate's family to guide him in his table manners, and that I should keep my mouth closed, or would you offer a gentle correction?

GENTLE READER: By all means, eschew temptation. Miss Manners is afraid that should you request him to keep his mouth shut, you would encourage him to suggest that you keep yours shut.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's family have some customs that are different from those I grew up with. My father-in-law says these are the "classier" way of doing things (his word, not mine). I think they're etiquette misdemeanors. Please let me know who's right:

1. When someone in the family names a baby boy after his father, the child becomes Christopher Mosely Trenton II. Not Jr. I think he should be Jr. so II is reserved for boys named after uncles, grandfathers, etc.

2. Everyone on my husband's side of the family cuts their meat into bite-size pieces before eating. I think the proper thing to do is cut one bite at a time. (This is particularly sticky issue because I am now trying to teach my young children proper table manners.)

3. My large extended family is blessed with many living elders. Over the years, the grandparents among us have taken on affectionate names such as "Nana," "Papa," "Gram," "PopPop," etc. My husband's family contends that the only proper name for a grandparent is Grandma or Grandpa. Anything else is rude and insulting, they say. In order to differentiate between them, we must use last names: "Grandma Trenton" "Grandpa Redding", etc. Does Miss Manners agree?

GENTLE READER: That you should be wary of people who talk about the "classy" way of doing things?

No use thinking about that. It's too late. You've married into the family. And yes, they are wrong on all counts, but presumably they have redeeming qualities or you wouldn't have married their son. (Miss Manners can't believe she said that, and hopes it will not be used as an invitation for open season on denouncing in-laws.) You will have a happier life if you refer to the differences in a tone of respect as "your way of doing things" and "my family's way," rather than arguing right (which you are) and wrong (which they are).

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it ever possible to suggest a change of clothes to a lady without impugning her character?

A certain lady and I who work at the same company had been noticing each other and finally agreed to meet outside of work. As it happened, the wedding of close friends was immediately upcoming, and my planned date had canceled due to illness. The lady in question and I agreed that the wedding would be a fun chance to get to know each other.

The wedding was the typical Saturday evening dinner/dance black tie thing, and I wore the standard dinner jacket get-up. When I arrived to pick up my friend (who, I should mention, dresses beautifully for work, on the chic side of proper business formal), I was startled to see her step off the elevator, looking radiant and very (let's face it) sexy, in a revealing red cocktail dress. I couldn't have been more eager to have such a lovely lady on my arm at just about any other social function, excepting the wedding of close friends.

I'm afraid my moment's hesitation in telling her how beautiful she looked was noticed and seemed to cast a pall over her attitude toward me the rest of the evening. Nonetheless, we had a nice time and, notwithstanding a few sly remarks from the bridesmaids, that was the end of it -- literally.

The lady is civil to me when we meet in the office, but she declined another date, and I can't help but think that my reaction to her attire is being held against me. I asked my friends their opinions, and it seems to break down along gender lines. My male friends think my noticing her dress, rather than what it revealed, probably indicates that I am gay. The ladies think I set myself up by asking a woman who was interested in me to a wedding among intimates -- that by definition, she was going to dress to compete. I don't think this speaks well for women in general.

Miss Manners, was I a cad? Your input is appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Maybe not; you might want to reserve judgment. Not about the dress. If you only hesitated before telling the lady that she looked beautiful, rather than registering any disapproval, you cannot be convicted of caddish behavior on that account. Inviting someone out does not entitle you to critique her clothes, but your thoughts are your own.

Nor does it entitle you to submit the lady to be critiqued by your friends. To the extent that she can make a guess as to what went wrong, Miss Manners would say that the lady had gotten wind of your doing this. Or maybe she just didn't like your dinner jacket.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife's near-uncle (extremely close family friend), who lives in another state, just passed away.

This weekend is my niece's Bat Mitzvah. I have not been close to my brother recently, but my other brother, who I am very close with, is coming in from another state with his entire family to attend the affair. This last line may not even be relevant. Does my wife fly to attend the funeral or stay and attend the Bat Mitzvah?

GENTLE READER: The funeral. While Miss Manners appreciates the importance of the young lady's Bat Mitzvah, funerals do take precedence. It is true that one can only turn 13 once, but your niece will have other milestones in her life, while your wife's near-uncle will not.

As you do not seem to plan accompanying your wife, you should bring her abject apologies when you attend the Bat Mitzvah. It would be graceful of your wife to augment these with a letter of her own, explaining the circumstances and expressing her regret, along with her congratulations.

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