DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our federal agency, there is pressure to produce a large number of cases. As one of the newly hired caseworkers, I have to work hard and efficiently to meet the production standards.

The more experienced caseworkers have time to spare after they make production quotas. Consequently, they feel compelled to socialize in an effort to release some of the stress. However, overextended visiting hinders those of us who are struggling to keep up.

Sometimes, to help end a conversation, I'll stand up and start heading toward the bathroom. Upon my return, though, someone else will want to converse. There are 27 of us in one room, half experienced and half trainees.

Is it extremely rude to say "I would love to visit more, but I just have to finish this case to make my production"?

GENTLE READER: You mean it is rude to work at work?

A lot of people seem to think so. Miss Manners has the impression that you are afraid that getting your job done might be in conflict with federal regulations demanding sociability at the workplace.

Last she checked, it wasn't. In spite of the fad for personal relations sessions and the pressure for office partying, it was all right to do some work, too.

You therefore have a highly legitimate excuse, which should spare you from having to hide in the bathroom. Say pleasantly but firmly, "Excuse me, I have to finish this before I can talk," and turn your attention back to your job.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a bridal shower that was given by a friend whom I've known for over 20 years, she asked us all to move to the kitchen/dining area for cake and drinks after the bride had opened the presents. Spots at the kitchen counter were taken by others, so I had no place to put my glass of water while I ate my cake, standing up. I put my water glass on the dining table from which the cake was served.

My friend, the hostess, came up behind me, and said, "Is that your glass?" When I answered yes she said, "I'm going to have to ask you to move your glass and put it somewhere else. This tablecloth was handmade by my grandmother many years ago, and I don't want anything to happen to it."

I felt her terminology "I'm going to have to ask you to move your glass..." was rude, and made me feel that I had done something wrong. I recalled you stating that "If it's too valuable or precious for your guests to use, then don't use it when you have guests."

Yet I apologized, and picked up the glass. Was I wrong to feel insulted? Should I have said something else, instead of apologizing?

GENTLE READER: Because Miss Manners agrees that your friend was rude, are you going to regret that you weren't rude, too?

When she tells you that you were right to feel insulted at being told to refrain from using her dining table when eating, are you going to interpret that to mean that you should have snapped back, "Who's going to make me, you or your grandmother?"

A social apology is not an admission of legal guilt, but a way of defusing tension. You could have made yours coldly, but Miss Manners is glad that you made it.

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A depressed economy followed by the national crisis somehow led to the discovery that it is possible to consume an entire meal at home, sitting down at a real table as if one were dining out. Some have thought of using this as a way to entertain friends.

Naturally, this is confusing to people who have come to believe that restaurant manners are the last word in sophistication, but never bothered with how to eat at home, let alone at someone else's. Whatever grace and dexterity they learned in order to elicit favorable judgments from the hired help at restaurants would be wasted on their families, they figured.

Restaurant manners are actually a spin-off from those that are supposed to be used privately, not the other way around, Miss Manners is afraid, and it is the private ones that are of a higher standard. No restaurant, no matter how fancy, can get away from the compromises that must be made because of the unpredictable and commercial nature of the business.

Miss Manners is prepared to help people make the transition by addressing some of the most common problems for those who are asked to go to their friends' houses to eat, rather than to meet them somewhere.

Q: How do I make a reservation, or is that necessary?

A: It is necessary, but you can't. You have to wait for them to call you.

Q: That's awfully exclusive, isn't it? But what if I don't know how many will be in my party?

A: It isn't your party. Only people who are asked by name can attend.

Q: How late can I cancel without a penalty?

A: Once you accept, you can never cancel.

Q: What do you mean, never? Suppose I change my mind? Suppose I get run over by a truck?

A: If you change your mind after accepting, you still have to go. It's true that you can arrange to be excused by being run over by a truck, but then you have to send a letter of apology, preferably accompanied by flowers.

Q: Is there a dress code?

A: Yes, and no one will tell you what it is. Inquiries will bring such non-guidance as "Oh, it doesn't matter" or "Just be comfortable," and the word "casual" has as many possible meanings as the number of people who so casually toss it in for every occasion.

Q: If I show up on time, will I be seated right away, or might I be told to get a drink until my table is ready?

A: You must show up on time, but you will still be given a drink elsewhere before being taken to the table.

Q: Is it all right to let them know after I arrive what I want to eat, or is it necessary to order in advance?

A: There is a fixed menu, no substitutes and no choices.

Q: Suppose I don't like it?

A: OK, there is a choice: Take it or leave it.

Q: I'm very particular about wine. Can I bring my own?

A: You can bring it and hand it over, but you may never see it again. It will be considered a present, and is not likely to be served unless it happens to go with the menu and you have brought enough for everyone.

Q: How do I settle the bill?

A: By being charming and grateful and issuing a return invitation.

Q: Except for that, it's free?

A: Not of the need to be polite.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When entering my Episcopal Church, we have traditionally knelt in silent prayer and kept quiet before the service starts. Recently it sounds more like a cocktail party than a sanctuary.

A whispered "good morning" I can accept, but I was recently subjected to details ranging from what was cooking at home to a thoroughly explicit medical report of the innards of the man behind me, plus his home improvement project.

This seems to be happening all over the country. At my niece's church, ballet performances are part of the service. A friend hears business contracts all but signed, sealed and delivered while waiting to worship.

Good Lord, deliver us.

GENTLE READER: First, He is going to have to get the churchgoers' attention. Miss Manners would think that the clergy might feel obliged to point out to those who consider their churches to be social, entertainment and business centers that occasionally someone does go there to pray.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my eighth-grade history class, we came upon the subject that women have equal rights to men. We talked about how men used to be the dominators and that women were known as wives, end of sentence.

Women have come far in their fight for equal rights. But men still pull out the chairs for women to sit down in, and they still open doors for women and say, "Ladies first."

So, for the sake of manners, is it still right that men are treating women better than women are treating men?

GENTLE READER: Are they? Surely someone in your class must be arguing that such gestures of deference are actually bad treatment, intended to humiliate and handicap women by marking them as helpless.

Not that Miss Manners is taking that position, or yours, either. But then, she has had enough advanced etiquette history to know that both have elements of truth, and neither tells the full story. (Nor does your conclusion that women were "wives, end of sentence." Many managed to distinguish themselves in various fields despite barriers and prejudices.)

Chivalric etiquette was an improvement on the previous system of "Ladies never." Nevertheless, symbolically declaring women too superior to run the everyday world had an amazingly similar effect to declaring them too inferior. And, by the way, chivalry originally applied only to upper-class ladies, and while a version of it was extended to the middle-class in the 19th century, it never inspired anyone to defer to the lower classes.

In order to debate whether remnants of this system should still be practiced, you must understand the cultural and sentimental part that tradition plays in history. The manners at any given time are not an exact fit with a society's philosophy, nor should they be. It takes awhile for consensus to build, even -- or especially -- for the most morally sound changes, and progress is not helped by the abrupt condemnation of familiar ways.

Still, everything evolves, and sometimes needs help to do so sensibly. The trick is to distinguish practices that might be harmful from those that are merely graceful.

If the boys in your class opened doors for the girls and pulled out their desk chairs for them, it would emphasize gender differences just when you are supposed to try to forget them and concentrate on your work. But would you welcome a rule that, as everyone is equal, you all have to dress alike for the prom?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was eating lunch in a mall restaurant a few days ago, when a woman who was eating alone a couple of tables to my right paused in her eating/reading, reached into her purse, and pulled out a cell phone. She looked at the screen, put down her fork, and, as she raised her phone to her right ear, she raised her left hand to her mouth and cupped the phone.

The resultant conversation was only barely distinguishable from the restaurant background noise and much quieter than the live conversations around us.

As I was leaving, I thanked her for her courtesy and said I would pass her practice on. She thanked me.

GENTLE READER: But did you get her telephone number? Miss Manners only asks because she would be happy to thank the lady, too, if only she knew how to reach her.

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