DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are my obligations to people knocking on my door? Most are solicitors or religious proselytizers, neither of whom I wish to speak to.

The only way to see who is there is by looking out the door's window. If the person sees me, do I then have to answer the door? I don't like opening the door to strangers. I can see the street, so I know if a police car or fire truck is out there.

If I do open the door, can I cut off their scripted speeches and say I'm not interested? Some are quite aggressive, even hostile. How polite must I be? Cutting someone off seems rude, but then, so does their imposition on me.

Neighbors sometimes knock also, and I don't always answer. How does one tell neighbors not to stop by unannounced without offending them, especially when they are stopping by with a small gift?

I may have let the neighbor situation go on too long to correct it now. Am I obligated to tell anyone that sometimes I don't answer the door? Must I always answer the door if I want to remain a member of (somewhat) polite society?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners says yes, it would mean that you would be rude in refusing to open the door when you saw a masked gunman. If she says no, it would mean that you would be polite in peering clearly at your neighbors and then walking away, leaving them standing on your doorstep holding flowers from their gardens or pies from their ovens.

Couldn't she get out of this by making you install side curtains and a peephole?

You don't have to answer the door at all if the caller does not see you and can therefore assume that you are either not home or occupied with something that prevents you from responding. You still don't have to answer the door for strangers, whether they are holding guns or Bibles or lottery winnings, and if they catch you looking or opening, you can cut them off by shaking your head and saying thank you.

But you do have to answer the door to callers you know who see you recognizing them. The saving grace is that you do not have to let them in. You can go into a flurry of gratitude and regret that you are frightfully busy just now and would love to see them at another time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I share an apartment with one other woman who is good friends with a married couple whom I've also known socially for a long time, but am not as close to. We've entertained them informally once or twice, yet all their social invitations extended to her are extended only to her and do not include me.

Yes, they have a right to socialize on their own, and no, it's not analogous to what the situation would be if my housemate and I were related to one another instead of mere housemates. Still, it is hurtful, though I don't think they're aware of it. My housemate does not know I feel this way.

GENTLE READER: Do her friends?

Miss Manners agrees that these people might be remiss in not including you, but as there is too much sulking going on in the world, she would like you to consider another possibility. Maybe they don't know you are being a hostess, too. Maybe they think you're there when your friend invites them because of the location, rather than the company.

The way to indicate that you do want to be friends is to say how much you like them, rather than how left out you feel. It has a lot more charm.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a high school reunion that was also a 50th birthday party for everyone who graduated in my class, I enjoyed socializing, and one man was flirting with me quite a bit at the Sunday brunch. He later called and eventually asked me if I would like to have dinner with him.

After I said that I would, he explained that he was going out of town for the weekend, but he would call to make arrangements as soon as he returned. He has never called.

I do not consider myself to have behaved shamelessly in any way that I am aware of, but I feel embarrassed that I said I would like to go and he never called to set it up. I am worried about seeing him somewhere and feeling awkward.

Is there something I should do or say? This has happened to me before, and that is why I am concerned it is something I am doing. I do not like to chase men, but I am now feeling like I am running into or attracting cads.

GENTLE READER: In spite of all the chatter at reunion weekend, and all the class notes you've been sending in, Miss Manners now knows more about what you have been doing in the last 35 or so years than your classmates do.

You've been collecting evidence about what cads men are.

Well, some of them are. Some of them are not. Some of them are some of the time, and some of them improve. What you should have learned by now is that people are different, and if you generalize about them and assume the worst, you will make your life, and perhaps yourself, unhappy, not to mention unattractive.

Miss Manners begs you to drop that high school angst about whether it is you. All you know here is that your classmate was interested in having dinner with you when he met you and still interested a few days later. Then he failed to call. He may be one of those Cads Who Never Call, or he may be a nice man who fell down an out-of-town well.

You are grown-up now. Call him and ask pleasantly if he is now free to schedule dinner. If he chokes up an embarrassed no, then you are free to assume that he met someone better the next day. But you must promise Miss Manners not to hold this against the next prospect you meet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I always write a note of thanks to the hosts of a dinner party that typically includes a modest number of guests. Is it equally appropriate to write a thank you note for a large-scale party, where dinner is not served in a seated fashion? I usually do not, but I wonder if I am being remiss.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is hard pressed to think when it would not be appropriate to write a letter of thanks to one's host. Possibly a guest should refrain from expressing gratitude after having left with the host's forks or spouse. However, you are correct that such letters are mandated for dinner parties, but not for large, less formal gatherings.

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If anyone needs a support group now, it is today's grandmothers. The poor souls need to exchange anecdotes and reassure one another that they didn't do anything bad. They need to hear enough similar experiences to convince themselves that they are not really being targeted as individuals even though they come under personal attack.

Miss Manners is not referring to the many grandparents who are heroically starting all over again, rearing young families because their own children are incapacitated, incapable or uncaring. These are more in need of concrete help than mere words of reassurance, although some kind encouragement and a compliment now and then wouldn't hurt.

They know they're doing right. All they need is the time, energy and resources with which to do it.

The grandmothers she means can be proud of the children they reared, who turned out to be successful by all of their and society's standards. These young people excel at their jobs, but they put their own children first, willingly curtailing the former for the latter. The grandmothers may not have had much direct parenting help from the grandfathers, but they drilled their sons in recognizing the importance of fathers' being active participants. They may not have realized their own professional ambitions, but they help their daughters find ways to maintain their intellectual acumen during the periods when parenting is most time-consuming.

As adults, their children are not only devoted to their own young, but vigilant, creative and informed when it comes to their welfare. And the first thing they do along these lines is to point out that their mothers don't know the first thing about child-rearing.

Corroborating evidence is all that baby furniture and equipment the grandmothers so lovingly saved in hopes that it would serve the next generation. Can't they see how dangerous that stuff is? If they were reckless enough to use it, shouldn't they at least have pitched it after their children were lucky enough to escape harm?

But then, what do you expect of people who blithely rode about, holding their babies in their arms instead of swaddling them into restraints? And look at the method they use for holding a baby, as demonstrated when they are permitted to receive a grandchild, along with a litany of frantic instructions. Or rather it is the absence of a method, as if a baby could be held and hugged any old way.

True, the grandparents are affectionate and admiring, which is gratifying, but then why do they jeopardize the child's welfare? How can you trust them if they sabotage the routine with their own ignorant ideas?

Look what they feed the child. It's not all nutritionally sound. Look what they give the child as presents. They find toys that are not the least bit educational or philosophically advanced, making the children overexcited about things that are not good for them.

Their defense is specious: that as grandparents, they should be allowed to spoil their grandchildren. It isn't even consistent, because they get fussy about trivial things like whether the children thank them for presents or learn how to hold a fork.

Miss Manners suspects that this may be because splendid as their own children turned out to be, they now wish they had concentrated a little more on manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is bad enough to have to put up with someone smacking food when talking on a cordless phone, but it has reached the point where people are relieving their bodily functions while talking to others.

Maybe I am wrong, but I have always been taught that if you must use the restroom, you must excuse yourself, even if you have to make something up, such as that someone is at the door, and offer to call the person back.

I feel so degraded and disrespected hearing what they are doing, then hearing the toilet flush.

GENTLE READER: As these people are not polite enough to excuse themselves, Miss Manners suggests that you excuse yourself -- if possible before the flush.

It is never necessary to invent a reason. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I'll have to call you back" is enough, but in this case, you have an excellent one. Say, "I can hear you're busy, so why don't we talk later?" That is, if you are still willing to take a chance.

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