If anyone needs a support group now, it is today's grandmothers. The poor souls need to exchange anecdotes and reassure one another that they didn't do anything bad. They need to hear enough similar experiences to convince themselves that they are not really being targeted as individuals even though they come under personal attack.

Miss Manners is not referring to the many grandparents who are heroically starting all over again, rearing young families because their own children are incapacitated, incapable or uncaring. These are more in need of concrete help than mere words of reassurance, although some kind encouragement and a compliment now and then wouldn't hurt.

They know they're doing right. All they need is the time, energy and resources with which to do it.

The grandmothers she means can be proud of the children they reared, who turned out to be successful by all of their and society's standards. These young people excel at their jobs, but they put their own children first, willingly curtailing the former for the latter. The grandmothers may not have had much direct parenting help from the grandfathers, but they drilled their sons in recognizing the importance of fathers' being active participants. They may not have realized their own professional ambitions, but they help their daughters find ways to maintain their intellectual acumen during the periods when parenting is most time-consuming.

As adults, their children are not only devoted to their own young, but vigilant, creative and informed when it comes to their welfare. And the first thing they do along these lines is to point out that their mothers don't know the first thing about child-rearing.

Corroborating evidence is all that baby furniture and equipment the grandmothers so lovingly saved in hopes that it would serve the next generation. Can't they see how dangerous that stuff is? If they were reckless enough to use it, shouldn't they at least have pitched it after their children were lucky enough to escape harm?

But then, what do you expect of people who blithely rode about, holding their babies in their arms instead of swaddling them into restraints? And look at the method they use for holding a baby, as demonstrated when they are permitted to receive a grandchild, along with a litany of frantic instructions. Or rather it is the absence of a method, as if a baby could be held and hugged any old way.

True, the grandparents are affectionate and admiring, which is gratifying, but then why do they jeopardize the child's welfare? How can you trust them if they sabotage the routine with their own ignorant ideas?

Look what they feed the child. It's not all nutritionally sound. Look what they give the child as presents. They find toys that are not the least bit educational or philosophically advanced, making the children overexcited about things that are not good for them.

Their defense is specious: that as grandparents, they should be allowed to spoil their grandchildren. It isn't even consistent, because they get fussy about trivial things like whether the children thank them for presents or learn how to hold a fork.

Miss Manners suspects that this may be because splendid as their own children turned out to be, they now wish they had concentrated a little more on manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is bad enough to have to put up with someone smacking food when talking on a cordless phone, but it has reached the point where people are relieving their bodily functions while talking to others.

Maybe I am wrong, but I have always been taught that if you must use the restroom, you must excuse yourself, even if you have to make something up, such as that someone is at the door, and offer to call the person back.

I feel so degraded and disrespected hearing what they are doing, then hearing the toilet flush.

GENTLE READER: As these people are not polite enough to excuse themselves, Miss Manners suggests that you excuse yourself -- if possible before the flush.

It is never necessary to invent a reason. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I'll have to call you back" is enough, but in this case, you have an excellent one. Say, "I can hear you're busy, so why don't we talk later?" That is, if you are still willing to take a chance.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My youngest daughter is getting married in her fiance's folks' state, with them giving $2,000 toward the wedding expenses and my daughter and her fiance spending $5,000. She has a wonderful job, working for a national congressman, and her groom is a rising software salesman.

My husband and I are in our mid-70s and on a limited income. My daughter said the night she told me about the engagement, "Mom, all you have to do is come."

The trip will be relatively expensive, but I feel we should do something. Could you give me some ideas?

GENTLE READER: Having heard from countless brides demanding that their parents owe them expensive weddings, whether they can afford it or not, and from desperate parents who are cowed into agreeing, Miss Manners' ideas for you are

-- Cherish that daughter.

-- Have a glorious time at her wedding.

-- Tell her in-laws how beautiful everything is, and how grateful you are, not just for the wedding, but that your daughter has married into such a lovely family.

-- Give her and her bridegroom a present of something that has sentimental meaning to the family -- an old possession or photograph, for example -- because they will appreciate it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the locale next to our business is a credit union whose ATM machine is very busy all the time. I can't understand why people line up in front of our store instead of in front of the bank to use the machine, even if the bank opens and closes earlier than we do. But this is bearable.

What frustrates us the most is that some of the people use our windows to write their deposit slips, leaving fingerprints and smudges all over. When I go outside and ask them nicely to please not use our windows to write, they become very upset and sometimes belligerent. I even offer to let them come inside and use our counter and enjoy the air-conditioner or heating, but they refuse and even get rude.

I would not dare go to someone's house and put my hands all over their windows. Why do they think it is acceptable to do it on someone's else property? I find it rude and very impolite. Because of the size of the windows, we have to pay to have them washed, and when someone comes right after and gets them dirty again, it is frustrating. What would be the best approach to make them understand that it is not acceptable?

GENTLE READER: As you already know, telling them doesn't make an impression. They don't even understand that your business and the bank are two different establishments, Miss Manners is afraid.

True, they don't just shove money at you and ask you to hold onto it until they need it. But the idea that although the bank has no place for them to write, the window is another business's property is never going to register. Miss Manners does not pretend to know anything about advertising or salesmanship, but if she were you, she would be handing out pieces of cardboard stiff enough to write on, and bearing information about where some of that money can be spent.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband of 32 years is a true gentleman whose speech is as gentle as his mannerisms. He is helpful and pays full attention to everyone he encounters. He treats men at his workplace with understanding and respect, and he treats the women as gently as one would respond to a delicate child.

Is it proper for the women to hug him, telephone him, write him, invite him to their rooms and request constant assistance from him?

At first, these women disturbed me by these actions. I confronted him, but he didn't understand my reason for being upset. I've never called a married man for help, nor called him at his office just to chat. I'm not sure they would treat him that chummily in front of their husbands.

I'd like to slap them or run over them with my car, but I don't feel that would be proper. At the moment, I treat them civilly. I have to consider my husband's place at work. Do you have any advice for me?

GENTLE READER: Why yes, Miss Manners has three pieces of advice.

1. Do not -- repeat, not -- go around slapping your husband's business associates. You will only demonstrate that such a nice gentleman is in desperate need of being rescued from a wife who is, to say the least, no lady.

2. Do not run them over with your car. They will feel obliged to comfort your husband in his loneliness while you serve your sentence.

3. Do not be disturbed by the actions of these ladies. They may be merely appreciatively astonished at his gentle manners, and responding with the only well-intentioned manners they know, the manners of chumminess.

You know, and Miss Manners knows, that these are not proper business manners, which should distinguish between the personal and the professional relationship. Your husband knows, too, which is why he does not seem to have succumbed to using them himself.

But he must also know that since workplace manners were reduced to the point where the only choices are Mean and Nice, such chumminess can exist without the least element of romantic intention. Presuming he is the true gentleman you say he is, you should not insult him by questioning his judgment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are frequently asked out by people with whom we'd rather not socialize, for example, the parents of our children's friends. They may say, "We should get together; how about drinks?" or "Come on over and we can chat while the kids play."

We have made excuses or have begrudgingly gone, but the truth is we would rather stay home or socialize with old friends. What I really want to say is, "We won't ever be able to come over, because we just don't want to." Do you have a tactful way of telling people that you'd rather not spend your time with them?

GENTLE READER: Generalized busyness, over-used as it is, is the way to make a blanket refusal: "Thank you, but we're so ridiculously behind just now, we just can't take the time. You're so nice to ask us."

Miss Manners urges you, nevertheless, to consider occasionally finding small social moments with your children's friends' parents -- going by early to pick up your children, for example, or lingering with them at an event. This softens your refusal. More importantly to you, perhaps, it establishes some rapport. When the children are older and out together later than they were supposed to be, you may find you have more in common with these people than you thought.

: