Nice guys are said to be back in romantic favor. These are the gentlemen who are unfailingly polite and dependable, and who grow even more useful and sympathetic when things go terribly wrong. Miss Manners trusts that it is not hard to figure out what national event brought them out of ignominy.

So, a happy Valentine's Day to all who are always told what dear, good friends they are. They have the testimony of numerous attractive ladies who turned to them for comfort when they were badly treated by the cads they adore, and needed a brotherly shoulder on which to cry before returning to the romantic fray.

Miss Manners happens to admire these gentlemen, who take care to follow her strictures about proper behavior. They listen as well as talk, and take into consideration other people's needs and preferences, along with their own. They honor their word, even if it drives them to the extreme of having to show up for an appointment they themselves contracted or accepted. They give thanks when it is due, and have been known to produce something nice, such as flowers or candy, when it is not required. They even know how to dress, eat, speak and perform other ordinary human functions.

In theory, they are much beloved for all these good qualities. It is only when they try to have an actual romance that they run into trouble. So do the objects of their affections, but in that case, the trouble comes when the ladies in question try to explain to their hopeful parents why they are not interested.

Like those poor parents, Miss Manners has never understood what was so unappealing about gentlemen's roses and reliability, and so appealing about the shenanigans and sloppiness of their rude rivals. Or rather, she understands, but does not share, these tastes. Therefore, she feels obliged to warn those nice gentlemen not to get their hopes up.

It takes more than a national tragedy to make maturity seem exciting for long. It takes maturity.

The jump-start kind that comes with unusual fear doesn't last. If the world calms down, Miss Manners can't see its pubescent girls giggling to one another, "I can't help myself -- he's just so sensible! When he gets all responsible like that, I could die!"

It's not the era that is important, but the stage of life reached by the individual. Through their teen-age-hood, most people are testing their desirability by aiming high, which they define as being someone who can afford to treat them badly. A few seem to be born with the maturity to realize what a dumb standard this is, some wise up after years of disillusionment, and some never do, but the average person should catch on in early adulthood.

So what the nice gentlemen need to look for in a romantic partner is the fine qualities they themselves possess. But then, maybe they would find that comforting but dull, and can only find excitement in being scorned.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the time frame in which a house-warming party can be given? I read somewhere that a house-warming party should be given within a year after purchasing the house, but that after a year a house-warming party would not be appropriate because the house would no longer be considered new. I know that most warranties for new homes are for a year, but would this translate into the appropriate period for a house warming party?

GENTLE READER: The warranty has nothing to do with it, Miss Manners is afraid. And the house doesn't even have to be new.

The test is whether it is newly enough in the possession of the present owners that their friends can still have a wonderful time wandering around saying, "I wonder if they know that that's dry rot?" and "That must be the undercoat -- no one would choose that as the final color." If they have already had the opportunity to do that, then there is no point in giving the party.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was baptized, I backed up my written invitations with additional e-mails to my closest friends.

One of these, knowing the exact date, time, and venue, replied, "Of course I'll come along!" but did not appear. As she was more than six months pregnant, I was afraid she was lost or in distress.

In fact, my written invitation had not arrived, and as for the e-mail acceptance, "You didn't remind me!" After repeating this several times, my friend angrily left to take a bath, leaving me to converse with her husband, who clearly had never been told of the invitation. I felt deeply hurt but did not let him see it.

We had separate plans for her to visit me the week after (dinner, sci-fi tapes), but her husband, concerned about her tiredness, secretly asked me to cancel. I did so, apologetically; and she expressed her relief, saying "I thought I had to come over after I let you down, when we'd had last Sunday arranged for weeks and weeks."

Now I phoned to enquire about the fate of two Christmas packages I had sent them and their 8-year-old. Her husband helpfully pointed out that I had been sending mail to the house next door for three years. He confirmed that the packages, like most everything except my invitation, had arrived (though no thanks were forthcoming, which made me feel worse).

Do e-mail confirmations still count when the written invitation is lost through the sender's carelessness? If not, how may I make amends? I do not want to make enemies over a baptism!

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is concerned about your friends, too. For three years, they said nothing about your misaddressing their mail, and now they are insulted that they didn't receive your letter. They don't honor their own spoken acceptance of your invitation, and they don't thank you for presents that they admit receiving. They scold you for not nagging them, and they express relief that they don't have to see you.

Miss Manners is glad you don't want to make enemies over a baptism, but you may not have to.

She would prefer to talk about the question you raise in regard to people who are, shall we say, less etiquette-challenged.

What is now being called a "pre-invitation," or a "save-the-date" notice, for an important event should indeed be followed by the actual invitation. But as it is unthinkable (except possibly in the case of those friends of yours) that someone would issue the first and then strike the guest off the list, failure to do so should be presumed to be a mistake. It is your friend who should have been in touch with you to say, "Is your baptism still on for that date you mentioned in your e-mail? I wondered, because I never heard anything more about it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A girl at my school walks home with me and is bossy because she is always early out of class. She says that me and my friends are always slow, and she needs to get to ballet class. Do you think I should tell her to walk home by herself if she is in such a hurry? Otherwise, what shall I do?

GENTLE READER: You could take up ballet. But, of course, you can tell her to go ahead, provided Miss Manners can trust you say something like, "Sure, go ahead, I'll see you later," and not "Oh, go walk by yourself if you're in such a big hurry."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a supervisor in a federal government agency. Through our excellent and infallible sensitivity training, I have learned that as a white male from Appalachia with a Southern accent and German heritage in excellent mental and physical health, I am perceived as a "racist, prejudiced, ignorant, hillbilly oppressor" by my very existence. I also learned that all my subordinates and most of my co-workers are also members of one or more "victim" groups that I have the potential to offend.

In order to avoid offending our more sensitive employees and minimize legal liability, I have been professionally and legally counseled that I should avoid using words such as "man," "woman," "please," "thank you," "I'm sorry," "excuse me," "unmotivated," "late for work," "absent," or especially the use of any color word.

I must also avoid any reference to any illness, disability, or body parts. It seems that my mere utterance of such words might inflict painful memories from hundreds and/or thousands of years of oppression and create, in the minds of these employees, an unpleasant and illegal work environment.

I am prohibited from complimenting anyone on their attire or commenting that someone appears ill or may have a problem that requires empathy or sympathy. For example, if an employee is late (or chooses not to appear at work at all), I should realize that either they have a protected mental/physical illness and/or have a culture where timeliness or work ethic is not important. In fact, if my mere existence as an oppressor creates the perception of an inappropriate work climate in their minds, I can be punished. I can also be punished if they believe I am thinking hurtful, incorrect, or illegal thoughts.

Negative comments can be seen as hurtful or stereotypically prejudiced, too. Since praise and compliments are also illegal if the aggrieved party believes I am insincere, I have been professionally and legally counseled never to make comments that are either positive or negative, lest the person hewing them perceives them the wrong way. I was advised to avoid speaking to all employees and coldly ignore everyone.

It is particularly difficult to inconspicuously avoid the multi-hour luncheons, personal telephone calls, and endless hallway chitchat occurring each day in our government office. Even so, I stopped attending all such office social events so my existence would not offend our more sensitive employees. I now communicate only via memos and e-mails behind my closed office door. By offending everyone equally, I have a legal defense when I am sued because my existence as an oppressor created unpleasant thoughts for someone.

In effect, I have been directed to be terribly rude to everyone so no member of a victim group will feel that they are being treated more rudely than someone else is.

I would never dream to ask Miss Manners' permission to be rude. I would appreciate, however, suggestions for mitigating perceptions of rudeness in my politically correct work environment -- at least until I can retire from this living hell and once again use the common-sense manners that Miss Manners exhorts us to uphold.

P.S. Please excuse me for anonymously typewriting this on a word processor. My agency has handwriting analysis experts, can test for DNA, and has an established record of punishing "whistle blowers" and even innocent citizens.

GENTLE READER: Please excuse Miss Manners for hoping that you have a penchant for hyperbole. She despises that callous process now called "sensitizing," but can it be as bad as all that? Were you really told not to talk to anyone, or were you told that unless you learn to talk politely, it would be better not to say anything?

Politeness in a professional setting is different from social politeness, and can even be the opposite. Socially, it is rude to criticize people; at the work place, it may be a necessity. Professionally, it is rude to mention people's personal attractiveness; socially, it might be a necessity.

Miss Manners begs you to attempt to maintain a cheerful distance from your co-workers, neither indulging in personal conversation and jokes as you would with friends, nor snubbing them. If this does not meet the requirement, and if you were really enjoined to refrain from saying "please," then she begs you to blow the whistle.

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