When the Surgeon General tells us what we're doing wrong, it's a lot easier to take than when friends, relations and passersby feel called upon to do so. Miss Manners does not attribute the difference to a public official's exerting more authority, but to his exercising more tact and refraining from doing it to our faces.

Still, Miss Manners worries about the speed with which one method leads to the other.

Obesity is a serious health problem, the Surgeon General has now informed us, as indeed it was his duty to do. It must be right up there with the serious health problem of voluntary malnourishment, which is attributed to our admiration for thinness. It would appear that everybody in America is too fat, except for those who are too thin; everybody is eating too much, except for those who are eating too little, and nobody is exercising enough, except for those who are exercising too much.

Something must be done. Fortunately, not by Miss Manners.

She is far too polite to notice what other people are or are not eating. She doesn't bother to lift her lorgnette to peer at who is using which fork, disillusioning as that must be to people who believe that scouting for cutlery errors provides her with unimaginable thrills. So she would hardly notice how often they use whichever fork they choose.

The only thing that concerns her about such a public health announcement is the unintended effect it may have on the public well-being. Health matters seem to be peculiarly susceptible to developing the unintended side effect of contributing to an epidemic that is already a great danger to the public, namely rudeness.

What makes her especially wary in this case is that that reference was made to another health announcement by another Surgeon General. It is being said that illnesses caused or exacerbated by obesity may soon constitute the chief cause of preventable deaths, overtaking the current scourge, which is tobacco.

Here again, Miss Manners must excuse herself (but not to indulge in that vice, which happens to be one of which she is innocent). In no way does she fail to appreciate the great service done to the public by alerting it to the danger of smoking, and the amazing turnabout in behavior that was the result.

This also produced an advance in etiquette, for which she is thankful. Smoke being intrusive, the custom of smoking without regard to those present who might find smoke objectionable was inherently rude, and the fact that this is now recognized is progress. It was progress backward, to a few decades previously, when smoking had been quarantined to back rooms so as not to offend presumably nonsmoking ladies, but progress all the same.

Then came the plague, not just of smoking scofflaws, but of righteous busybodies. Newly empowered with public support, nonsmokers started polluting the atmosphere with unsolicited and insulting healthcare. Nor have they been intimidated from doing this in regard to the eating habits of those whom they deem to be overweight by not knowing whether there are other contributing factors.

And they certainly haven't been inhibited by politeness. Miss Manners hopes they will not consider the obesity warning encouragement to point out to the obese that they are obese and that this is not good for them. On the contrary, it should relieve them of the job. There can be no doubt that they already know (as if they didn't before), because the Surgeon General has now told them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my niece was married in a morning ceremony at a small suburban church, her father (who divorced my sister a few years ago after 37 years of marriage) attended with his bride, an educated professional Japanese woman who was clad in a beautiful kimono. I thought it was an inappropriate choice of dress. Several of my family members disagreed.

GENTLE READER: The formal dress of one's own country is considered appropriate at formal gatherings in America. Miss Manners suspects that she may need to point out that this applies to the trophy wives of cads as much as to anyone else.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often find myself in an awkward position of having to address issues related to the fact that I don't have a college degree. I don't want to make excuses, because I value education. Suffice it to say that I accept responsibility for the choices I have made.

I'm a professional woman in a high-profile job. I've worked very hard to achieve success in my field, and I enjoy a good reputation among my peers and my superiors. Many people in my organization have come to rely on my expertise in the areas of analysis and liaison.

Because of the position I hold, I'm frequently asked what my background is, where I went to school and what degree I possess. I always answer truthfully, and the response I receive is usually one of shock or discomfort, followed by a remark such as, "I'd never have been able to tell." Also, I'm often a witness to conversations in which executive managers disparage those who don't have degrees and set hiring policies that make possession of a degree a prerequisite for particular jobs. Interestingly, they don't care whether the degree has any correlation to the job.

GENTLE READER: It makes perfect sense to Miss Manners. They know your work; therefore, how you acquired your knowledge and skills is so unimportant to them that they probably don't remember, when they mention the need for degrees, that you don't have one.

When it comes to hiring, however, they are dealing with strangers and are looking for clues that candidates are prepared to do the job. We all know that a degree is no guarantee of competence, but it is supposed to certify a basic standard, so it serves as a starting point.

That people are amazed that you educated yourself should be a source of pride to you, and you can acknowledge it truthfully without devaluing education by saying, "I did it the hard way, although I can't say I would recommend this to others." Others who nevertheless did so would benefit from your reminding your colleagues to be on the lookout for extraordinary people who, like yourself, were motivated to learn without the benefit of tests and deadlines.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several of us ladies meet at a central location to play games or cards once each week. One of the ladies does not own a car, and so I offer to give her a ride to her home, which means that I have to drive several miles out of my way.

When we reach her home, she gets out of the car and usually says, "See you next week." I have never yet heard a thank you of any kind, and I have been tempted to say, "You're welcome" even though she doesn't offer any thanks. I don't mind driving the extra distance but would like to know that she appreciates the extra time and gas that it takes me to give her a ride home.

Perhaps I am being too sensitive, but I would like to know what you would do in such a situation.

GENTLE READER: Oh, Miss Manners would just let it go. It is true that you should be thanked, but a few miles and minutes don't strike her as significant enough to fuss about.

She recognizes, all the same, that you are fussed, so it is her duty to offer you a better solution than the unpleasant pronouncement of "you're welcome" in order to call attention to a missing "thank you."

Call this lady a day or two before one of these gatherings and say, "I'm so sorry, I find I can't drive this week. I wonder if you would be good enough to arrange to get us both there?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been invited to two weddings two months apart. The grooms are brothers and very close to our family. The dilemma is I will be 5-1/2 months pregnant at the first, and 7-1/2 months pregnant at the second, and these are very formal weddings requiring evening wear. Unfortunately, they don't make a huge selection of formal maternity wear.

My question is twofold: Is it considered taboo for me to wear the same dress to these weddings? Is it OK to wear black to weddings now?

GENTLE READER: The answer is also twofold, but first Miss Manners has to iron out your questions. They are regrettably lumpy because you have folded them wrong.

One part of your query is about symbolism. Black is the traditional color of mourning, so the ban on wearing it on a happy occasion is a taboo -- a taboo that ladies have been breaking right, left and sideways, she might add.

However, the justification for doing so -- that black has long since lost its association with tragedy -- was given the lie in the aftermath of Sept. 11. Suddenly, funerals were taken seriously, and those attending services and memorials for the victims showed up wearing black instead of the sporty and colorful outfits that had become commonplace among people who had apparently saved their black clothes to wear to weddings.

Furthermore, fashion-conscious people started wearing black to balls, openings and other gala events to indicate that even when partying, they maintained a sober recollection of the national peril. It was hard to tell, because the fashion-conscious had been uniformly dressed in black for the previous decade, but they were not shy about pointing out that this black had a serious meaning. Evidently, the symbolism of black has not been forgotten, after all.

The other part of your query has to do with fashion. While fashion constantly demands novelty from ladies, etiquette does not. It does not mind how many times you wear the same dress. And while it disapproves of wearing black (or white or red) to a wedding, it trusts that you have the sense to solve the problem by throwing a colorful shawl over your black dress.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Frequently when my husband and I are dining out or drinking coffee out, people come up and stand and talk as long as 25 minutes, interrupting our meal as well as our talking. What is the appropriate time to say hello and goodbye?

My husband says this is fine; I say it is rude. Some of them we don't even know. Years ago, he was in baseball, way before my time. One man pulled up a chair and sat down. I was enraged. Tell me how to handle this.

GENTLE READER: There are two sets of rules in play here, but Miss Manners is not giving you a choice between them.

One has to do with restaurant visiting. You are quite right that this should be limited to a greeting -- hello and goodbye should not be separated by more than a sentence or two.

People who feel trapped at their tables, sadly watching their food or coffee turning cold, should say pleasantly but firmly, "Excuse us, please, we'll just finish our meal," adding, if the visitors are friends, "and we'll stop by your table on the way out."

The other manners have to do with spouse support. If yours attracts so many fans that eating out with him is a burden to you both, you could refrain from doing so, eat only in places where the management is used to protecting celebrities, or wear paper bags over your heads. However, if what you characterize as frequently is infrequent enough to give your husband pleasure that he is remembered, you should let him enjoy it.

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