DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often find myself in an awkward position of having to address issues related to the fact that I don't have a college degree. I don't want to make excuses, because I value education. Suffice it to say that I accept responsibility for the choices I have made.

I'm a professional woman in a high-profile job. I've worked very hard to achieve success in my field, and I enjoy a good reputation among my peers and my superiors. Many people in my organization have come to rely on my expertise in the areas of analysis and liaison.

Because of the position I hold, I'm frequently asked what my background is, where I went to school and what degree I possess. I always answer truthfully, and the response I receive is usually one of shock or discomfort, followed by a remark such as, "I'd never have been able to tell." Also, I'm often a witness to conversations in which executive managers disparage those who don't have degrees and set hiring policies that make possession of a degree a prerequisite for particular jobs. Interestingly, they don't care whether the degree has any correlation to the job.

GENTLE READER: It makes perfect sense to Miss Manners. They know your work; therefore, how you acquired your knowledge and skills is so unimportant to them that they probably don't remember, when they mention the need for degrees, that you don't have one.

When it comes to hiring, however, they are dealing with strangers and are looking for clues that candidates are prepared to do the job. We all know that a degree is no guarantee of competence, but it is supposed to certify a basic standard, so it serves as a starting point.

That people are amazed that you educated yourself should be a source of pride to you, and you can acknowledge it truthfully without devaluing education by saying, "I did it the hard way, although I can't say I would recommend this to others." Others who nevertheless did so would benefit from your reminding your colleagues to be on the lookout for extraordinary people who, like yourself, were motivated to learn without the benefit of tests and deadlines.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several of us ladies meet at a central location to play games or cards once each week. One of the ladies does not own a car, and so I offer to give her a ride to her home, which means that I have to drive several miles out of my way.

When we reach her home, she gets out of the car and usually says, "See you next week." I have never yet heard a thank you of any kind, and I have been tempted to say, "You're welcome" even though she doesn't offer any thanks. I don't mind driving the extra distance but would like to know that she appreciates the extra time and gas that it takes me to give her a ride home.

Perhaps I am being too sensitive, but I would like to know what you would do in such a situation.

GENTLE READER: Oh, Miss Manners would just let it go. It is true that you should be thanked, but a few miles and minutes don't strike her as significant enough to fuss about.

She recognizes, all the same, that you are fussed, so it is her duty to offer you a better solution than the unpleasant pronouncement of "you're welcome" in order to call attention to a missing "thank you."

Call this lady a day or two before one of these gatherings and say, "I'm so sorry, I find I can't drive this week. I wonder if you would be good enough to arrange to get us both there?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been invited to two weddings two months apart. The grooms are brothers and very close to our family. The dilemma is I will be 5-1/2 months pregnant at the first, and 7-1/2 months pregnant at the second, and these are very formal weddings requiring evening wear. Unfortunately, they don't make a huge selection of formal maternity wear.

My question is twofold: Is it considered taboo for me to wear the same dress to these weddings? Is it OK to wear black to weddings now?

GENTLE READER: The answer is also twofold, but first Miss Manners has to iron out your questions. They are regrettably lumpy because you have folded them wrong.

One part of your query is about symbolism. Black is the traditional color of mourning, so the ban on wearing it on a happy occasion is a taboo -- a taboo that ladies have been breaking right, left and sideways, she might add.

However, the justification for doing so -- that black has long since lost its association with tragedy -- was given the lie in the aftermath of Sept. 11. Suddenly, funerals were taken seriously, and those attending services and memorials for the victims showed up wearing black instead of the sporty and colorful outfits that had become commonplace among people who had apparently saved their black clothes to wear to weddings.

Furthermore, fashion-conscious people started wearing black to balls, openings and other gala events to indicate that even when partying, they maintained a sober recollection of the national peril. It was hard to tell, because the fashion-conscious had been uniformly dressed in black for the previous decade, but they were not shy about pointing out that this black had a serious meaning. Evidently, the symbolism of black has not been forgotten, after all.

The other part of your query has to do with fashion. While fashion constantly demands novelty from ladies, etiquette does not. It does not mind how many times you wear the same dress. And while it disapproves of wearing black (or white or red) to a wedding, it trusts that you have the sense to solve the problem by throwing a colorful shawl over your black dress.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Frequently when my husband and I are dining out or drinking coffee out, people come up and stand and talk as long as 25 minutes, interrupting our meal as well as our talking. What is the appropriate time to say hello and goodbye?

My husband says this is fine; I say it is rude. Some of them we don't even know. Years ago, he was in baseball, way before my time. One man pulled up a chair and sat down. I was enraged. Tell me how to handle this.

GENTLE READER: There are two sets of rules in play here, but Miss Manners is not giving you a choice between them.

One has to do with restaurant visiting. You are quite right that this should be limited to a greeting -- hello and goodbye should not be separated by more than a sentence or two.

People who feel trapped at their tables, sadly watching their food or coffee turning cold, should say pleasantly but firmly, "Excuse us, please, we'll just finish our meal," adding, if the visitors are friends, "and we'll stop by your table on the way out."

The other manners have to do with spouse support. If yours attracts so many fans that eating out with him is a burden to you both, you could refrain from doing so, eat only in places where the management is used to protecting celebrities, or wear paper bags over your heads. However, if what you characterize as frequently is infrequent enough to give your husband pleasure that he is remembered, you should let him enjoy it.

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The urge to monogram anything that doesn't move is delightfully genteel, Miss Manners has always thought. What a pretty picture it is to think of all those nice young ladies spending their teen-age years flashing their needles as they put their own marks on the linens they will use after they marry.

The process has been somewhat speeded up, she has been given to understand. Young ladies who are flashing needles are now clapped into rehab, while others may be flashing something else. She has even heard tell that young ladies do not wait as long as they are supposed to in order to leave marks on linens.

Nevertheless, monogramming is still popular and perhaps even more useful.

For old traditionalists, waking up in monogrammed bed linen provides a clue to their identity. For nontraditionalists, Miss Manners supposes that it provides a clue as to the identity of anyone else in the immediate vicinity. This is not a perfect system, as monograms on sheets and blanket covers on a well-made bed would be upside down from the point of view of the sleeper, but it is better than asking.

Monograms on silver have the advantages of enabling the owners to identify any wandering forks they might re-encounter at the police station or on the dinner table of a former guest. These should also happily remind one of the ancestor who bequeathed them, either to oneself or to the intermediary owner who turned them in for cash via the antiques market.

Kindly souls who wipe away the tears of others, and unkindly souls, who cause tears in others, should have monogrammed handkerchiefs to hand over. This brings some dash to a situation otherwise lacking it. It also creates an emotional sequel, as the easily identifiable handkerchief remains with the sufferer. Should it be returned (duly laundered) with apologies and gratitude, a lachrymose combination that could start the cycle again? Or should it be kept as a souvenir?

Other good candidates for monogramming are paper, shirts, luggage, towels, the linings of coats and apparently just about anything else that will hold still long enough. Miss Manners has seen catalogues offering monogrammed chewing gum containers.

Perhaps she should set some limits.

Shall we say that there should be no more than one set of monograms visible at a time? So if you monogram the towels, you don't monogram the bathmat and the shower curtain and trace your initials on the steamed-up bathroom mirror. And if you monogram your shirt cuffs, you can't also have monograms on the cufflinks.

Household linens may be monogrammed with the maiden initials of the lady of the house, a custom dating from premarital monogramming that serves equally well for serial marriages. Couples who are tempted to entwine their initials should try to get it out of their system by carving their names together on a tree.

The standard style has the initial of the surname in the middle and the given names on either side, but this should not be attempted by those who have four or more initials. It is equally correct to put the surname larger on the right with preceding initials in a tower to the left, or to crowd them all into a little block, or to pile them on top of one another as if you were typing them and the keys had jammed.

They don't even have to be easily decipherable. However, the look of long hairs disappearing down the drain is not a happy one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My older brother does not leave the house. He sleeps on the couch until after two in the afternoon. When he is awake, he finds it necessary to dominate anything that is going on. I find it impossible to find peace at home under these circumstances. I love my brother and do not want to be rude. What must I do?

GENTLE READER: Two things:

1. Refrain from saying, "Get a life!"

2. Help him get a life.

Miss Manners does not normally sully herself by digging around for root causes of rudeness. It would be pointless, as she doesn't accept them as excuses anyway. But even she recognizes that a young man who does nothing but stay home and nap is not a likely candidate for etiquette improvement.

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