DEAR MISS MANNERS: My elderly mother enjoys participating in the social activities at her senior living complex. In addition to weekly card games and coffee klatches, they also have seasonal brunches, lunches and dinners. As you might imagine, the same people attend these events time after time.

Mom is a great cook who likes to make "special" dishes to take to the informal gatherings and potlucks. When everyone else is bringing fruit pies, she takes a chocolate cake.

A voracious reader, she collects recipes from a wide variety of sources. As time goes on, she finds it difficult to stand in the kitchen for long periods of time, forcing her to seek out recipes that do no not require lengthy preparation. Because she assiduously tests recipes, she always comes up with a winner.

People frequently ask her for the recipe. Being the gentle soul she is, Mom complies. One neighbor has taken a dish made from Mom's special recipe six times to these community events, and another resident was insistent that Mom share a recipe. Mom feels she must drop these from her potluck repertoire.

Don't they realize they're stealing Mom's thunder? It not only hurts her feelings, it forces her to research and test new recipes. At age 90, Mom would like to slow down a bit. Is there a polite way to decline to share recipes with these folks?

Please, no reminders about imitation being the most sincere form of flattery.

GENTLE READER: Whether or not the flattery is sincere, it is obviously effective. Miss Manners considers it high time to teach your mother to resist flattery and say no politely, or there's no telling what trouble she might get into at her senior living complex.

Flattery is best fought with flattery. If your mother smiles coyly and says warmly, "No, no, it's a secret I'll never tell because I want you to keep coming back to me for more," it may not be sincere, either, but it should be irresistible.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I purchased an electronic appliance for a family member as a Christmas gift. As with many modern products, the price the store posts and advertises is the net price I will have paid after I successfully receive my manufacturer's rebate.

After giving the gift, I hate to look like a cheapskate and anxiously ask the recipient to break the shrink-wrap so I can cut out the bar code and send away for a cash rebate. But I also do not want to be another statistic, feeding the corporate fat cats who know very well that a fraction of customers will never send in to get their own money back. Can you shed any light on the dilemma?

GENTLE READER: Rather than shedding light on capitalistic warfare, Miss Manners would prefer to solve the problem. If the bar code is on the shrink wrap, cut it out and cover the hole with a Christmas sticker. If it is inside, re-wrap the present, buying shrink wrap for the purpose if you are afraid the company will not otherwise accept a return from the recipient.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law and father-in-law are divorced but still live in the same city, about a ten hours drive away from us.

We have three small children (seven, two and one), and when we visit, each parent wants equal time. My father-in-law has a very large home where we have one bedroom and a bathroom of our own and the children have an adjoining bedroom. In case you're unaware, people with small children have an enormous amount of "baggage" to bring along (diapers, portable cribs, bibs, tippy-cups, wipees, medicine, plus).

When we are staying at my mother-in-law's house, she has us sleep in the living room sofa downstairs and all three children in an upstairs bedroom. Her house is filled with antiques and not child friendly. The children are constantly being told to "don't touch." Besides the mere discomfort, the packing and unpacking is simply impractical.

We do not favor one parent over the other, but continuing to move from one house to the other on short visits is annoying. To ask her if we can sleep at her ex's house but still give her "her equal time" is an option, but my husband fears she will be extremely upset and make our visit unbearable. Should we tolerate the shuffling, or is there a nice way to approach this?

GENTLE READER: There are nice ways, but Miss Manners doesn't promise that they will satisfy competitive parents. It is possible that nothing will.

A point to avoid making is that your father-in-law provides your family with more space -- not unless you want to listen to the financial history of their marriage and divorce.

Rather, you should tell your mother-in-law that her house is so lovely, with its many beautiful and delicate furnishings, that you live in fear that one of your children will break something. They are good children (you will say apologetically), but too young to remember to keep their hands to themselves all the time, and you want them to be able to appreciate the beauty of her taste when they are older.

As your mother-in-law is constantly telling them not to touch anything, you may be sure that this will strike her as a reasonable fear. You could then ask her to help you find a solution. Is there an affordable place you could take nearby? Would it be better to alternate years so that you could spend the first of a 10-day stay with her, putting away her priceless things, and the last day helping her put them back where they belong?

Or -- should you use the father-in-law's house as a hotel during her time so that you can spend long, carefree days with her?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend who is very generous when it comes to giving me gifts, despite her meager financial budget, has a habit of leaving on the price tag or somehow making a point of telling me how much money she spent. It's as if she were buying my friendship, which is totally unnecessary, since we have been friends for years, even long before we ever exchanged a gift. Sometimes I wonder if she is doing this to make me feel like I owe her a more expensive gift in return. Should I say something to her or ignore the subject?

GENTLE READER: How about "Oops, you left the price tag on," as you remove it and hand it back unseen? Or replying, "It's worth so much more to me than that because it's you who gave it to me"?

That way, your friend gets credit without your having to use your credit card. And you and Miss Manners will both be spared the unpleasant task of analyzing motives.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my favorite things to do with the computer is make greeting cards, sympathy cards and birthday cards with software. The cards are made with high-performance paper and look very professional. Is it appropriate to sign the card using the computer or to sign the card in my own handwriting? If it is appropriate to sign with the computer, then what about monogram cards with the name on it?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners understands that there are times when one has more fun with one's computer than with one's friends, and possibly even enjoys a more intimate and satisfying relationship. Nevertheless, if you plan to involve your friends, as you do by sending them Christmas cards, you should bear in mind that a purely professional look, lacking even a signature, let alone a personal message, does nothing to warm their hearts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are in the 8th year of a second marriage for both of us. We are very happy, but I believe we are going to face what could prove to be a problem unless we address it correctly.

My wife has two daughters, both in their mid-30s, both single and childless and both, unfortunately, laid off from their employment. Neither was in a high-paying job, and both are looking for a "temporary stay" with us. Our house is not large, but we would be able to accommodate them.

Though I will not be charging any rent, nor do I expect to be paid any rent when they return to work, I believe that we should have some written guidelines. Since we are in our '60s, I don't want them coming in after 11 at night, and this should be stated as a condition of their staying with us; I don't want loud music; I expect them to help in defined household chores; I expect them to be engaged in looking for work; and I want to limit their time on the computer to a couple of hours a day each, but at defined times.

My wife, in general, is agreeable with the terms but does not want anything written down. I want it written down because I have no idea how long this "temporary stay" will be, and I feel to bring up these points at a later time will only lead to distress and disharmony.

GENTLE READER: And you feel that waving a piece of paper in their faces with the accusation that the terms were violated would not lead to distress and disharmony? Or perhaps you have in mind restoring family peace by a dispassionate lawsuit?

Families cannot be regulated in a businesslike way. Miss Manners agrees that you should make your step-daughters realize that it is necessary to make compromises in order to accommodate the generational difference and anything else that might cause conflicts, but surely this can be done in a warm, family way, with some words of welcome.

As they are not minors, they should be engaged in working things out. Putting them to bed early and restricting their computer time until their homework is done is not a way to treat grown-ups.

Of course, everyone in the household should share in the work, but you need to listen to their ideas of what they can do, which may turn out to be more than you would have asked. While you should be protected from noise, headphones would enable them to listen to what music they like, and care can be taken to re-enter the house late without disturbing your sleep. You can tell them when you need to use your computer so they keep it free then, rather than rationing hours as if they were tots watching too much television.

Will these rules be disobeyed occasionally? Of course. There is no upper age limit on stretching the limits. That is when you will acknowledge that this is not the ideal set-up for them, yet remind them that your and your wife's needs have to be respected; it is not when you can take them to court for violating their contract.

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