DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law and father-in-law are divorced but still live in the same city, about a ten hours drive away from us.

We have three small children (seven, two and one), and when we visit, each parent wants equal time. My father-in-law has a very large home where we have one bedroom and a bathroom of our own and the children have an adjoining bedroom. In case you're unaware, people with small children have an enormous amount of "baggage" to bring along (diapers, portable cribs, bibs, tippy-cups, wipees, medicine, plus).

When we are staying at my mother-in-law's house, she has us sleep in the living room sofa downstairs and all three children in an upstairs bedroom. Her house is filled with antiques and not child friendly. The children are constantly being told to "don't touch." Besides the mere discomfort, the packing and unpacking is simply impractical.

We do not favor one parent over the other, but continuing to move from one house to the other on short visits is annoying. To ask her if we can sleep at her ex's house but still give her "her equal time" is an option, but my husband fears she will be extremely upset and make our visit unbearable. Should we tolerate the shuffling, or is there a nice way to approach this?

GENTLE READER: There are nice ways, but Miss Manners doesn't promise that they will satisfy competitive parents. It is possible that nothing will.

A point to avoid making is that your father-in-law provides your family with more space -- not unless you want to listen to the financial history of their marriage and divorce.

Rather, you should tell your mother-in-law that her house is so lovely, with its many beautiful and delicate furnishings, that you live in fear that one of your children will break something. They are good children (you will say apologetically), but too young to remember to keep their hands to themselves all the time, and you want them to be able to appreciate the beauty of her taste when they are older.

As your mother-in-law is constantly telling them not to touch anything, you may be sure that this will strike her as a reasonable fear. You could then ask her to help you find a solution. Is there an affordable place you could take nearby? Would it be better to alternate years so that you could spend the first of a 10-day stay with her, putting away her priceless things, and the last day helping her put them back where they belong?

Or -- should you use the father-in-law's house as a hotel during her time so that you can spend long, carefree days with her?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend who is very generous when it comes to giving me gifts, despite her meager financial budget, has a habit of leaving on the price tag or somehow making a point of telling me how much money she spent. It's as if she were buying my friendship, which is totally unnecessary, since we have been friends for years, even long before we ever exchanged a gift. Sometimes I wonder if she is doing this to make me feel like I owe her a more expensive gift in return. Should I say something to her or ignore the subject?

GENTLE READER: How about "Oops, you left the price tag on," as you remove it and hand it back unseen? Or replying, "It's worth so much more to me than that because it's you who gave it to me"?

That way, your friend gets credit without your having to use your credit card. And you and Miss Manners will both be spared the unpleasant task of analyzing motives.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my favorite things to do with the computer is make greeting cards, sympathy cards and birthday cards with software. The cards are made with high-performance paper and look very professional. Is it appropriate to sign the card using the computer or to sign the card in my own handwriting? If it is appropriate to sign with the computer, then what about monogram cards with the name on it?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners understands that there are times when one has more fun with one's computer than with one's friends, and possibly even enjoys a more intimate and satisfying relationship. Nevertheless, if you plan to involve your friends, as you do by sending them Christmas cards, you should bear in mind that a purely professional look, lacking even a signature, let alone a personal message, does nothing to warm their hearts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are in the 8th year of a second marriage for both of us. We are very happy, but I believe we are going to face what could prove to be a problem unless we address it correctly.

My wife has two daughters, both in their mid-30s, both single and childless and both, unfortunately, laid off from their employment. Neither was in a high-paying job, and both are looking for a "temporary stay" with us. Our house is not large, but we would be able to accommodate them.

Though I will not be charging any rent, nor do I expect to be paid any rent when they return to work, I believe that we should have some written guidelines. Since we are in our '60s, I don't want them coming in after 11 at night, and this should be stated as a condition of their staying with us; I don't want loud music; I expect them to help in defined household chores; I expect them to be engaged in looking for work; and I want to limit their time on the computer to a couple of hours a day each, but at defined times.

My wife, in general, is agreeable with the terms but does not want anything written down. I want it written down because I have no idea how long this "temporary stay" will be, and I feel to bring up these points at a later time will only lead to distress and disharmony.

GENTLE READER: And you feel that waving a piece of paper in their faces with the accusation that the terms were violated would not lead to distress and disharmony? Or perhaps you have in mind restoring family peace by a dispassionate lawsuit?

Families cannot be regulated in a businesslike way. Miss Manners agrees that you should make your step-daughters realize that it is necessary to make compromises in order to accommodate the generational difference and anything else that might cause conflicts, but surely this can be done in a warm, family way, with some words of welcome.

As they are not minors, they should be engaged in working things out. Putting them to bed early and restricting their computer time until their homework is done is not a way to treat grown-ups.

Of course, everyone in the household should share in the work, but you need to listen to their ideas of what they can do, which may turn out to be more than you would have asked. While you should be protected from noise, headphones would enable them to listen to what music they like, and care can be taken to re-enter the house late without disturbing your sleep. You can tell them when you need to use your computer so they keep it free then, rather than rationing hours as if they were tots watching too much television.

Will these rules be disobeyed occasionally? Of course. There is no upper age limit on stretching the limits. That is when you will acknowledge that this is not the ideal set-up for them, yet remind them that your and your wife's needs have to be respected; it is not when you can take them to court for violating their contract.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was brought up in a home where I was expected to dress appropriately for special occasions, especially the holidays. My husband's family dresses far more casual and rarely goes beyond jeans. I have heard comments through the years about my clothes, appearance, etc., and have preferred to ignore them because I feel it's their problem and not mine.

However, they have now started to make comments to my daughter, which is where I feel they have stepped over the line.

My brother-in-law and his wife come in from out of state every Thanksgiving and Christmas and usually stay with us. During the course of a conversation, they asked my daughter if she shopped at a certain retailer, and she said no. My sister-in-law then made a comment that my daughter only wears a certain designer. (She has one T-shirt.)

I thought this was a very snide comment, especially coming from an adult. It upset my daughter, who felt she was being chastised. When this same couple showed up for Thanksgiving dinner in warm-up suits, none of us commented on their attire.

Another relative on my husband's side also made comments about how she can't believe our daughter is interested in clothes. (She's in the fifth grade.) Frankly, I don't know why she would even care. I am tired of tolerating this rudeness, especially when it comes from guests whom I have fed and housed for several days. How do you suggest handling future remarks?

GENTLE READER: By teaching your daughter to reply to general comments with a bland, "Thank you, you look very nice, too." The greatest protection against verbal sniping is a demonstration that it failed to hit the target, so Miss Manners considers this a valuable skill for her to learn.

The advanced course is to ask questions that display the fact that the sniper is more concerned with the subject than is the intended target. If your daughter has an interest in drama, she could have fun replying to the mention of her supposedly favorite designer with, "Who? How do you spell that? How can you tell who designed my T-shirt? Oh, you mean the name here is the signature of the designer? How interesting."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Help! Now that I've written all the Christmas cards for my single friends, I'm at a standstill. How should one write the address for a couple when you really know only the woman and not her husband? Does "Mary and Milton Moore" look too gauche on the envelope? Or would "Milton and Mary Moore" be acceptable? (Most people I know do not use their title unless trying to get a dinner reservation.)

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has had occasion before to muse that if it were not for overbooked restaurants, there would be no incentive at all for learning proper behavior.

Oddly enough, she thinks it is even more important to treat your friends with dignity. Your exact relationship may affect what you call them in the letter, but it has nothing to do with how you address the envelope, which is for public view and should include whatever titles they use for their restaurant reservations.

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