DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the wake of the tragic attacks on New York and Washington, my wife and I canceled a trip to attend the late September wedding of an old friend in Europe. While we believed that flying was safe, our parents were terrified, and we did not want to put them through the anxiety they would feel during our absence.

We anguished over the decision, in part because our friend and his fiancee had attended our wedding in the United States earlier this year, but finally decided that it would be better to call off our travels.

Although I suggested to my friend soon after the tragedy that we might need to cancel our trip, I told him only six days before the wedding, in a long letter of apology that explained our reasons. I then sent him, the bride-to-be and their parents flowers with a note of both regret and congratulations. I said that though my wife and I would not be able to be at the ceremony, we had postponed our trip for later in the year, and hoped we might be allowed to toast their happiness then.

My friend is now very angry, and the letter I received in reply was chilly. I fear I have permanently damaged our relationship. Did we do wrong, and, if so, how might we do right? Or should our friend be more understanding of the difficult decision we made?

GENTLE READER: On the one hand, it is rude to rescind the acceptance of a wedding invitation. On the other hand, etiquette makes allowances for emergencies, and this was a major emergency. On another hand, your friend considered his wedding to be a major event.

How many hands does that make? Miss Manners hopes you have at least one left to stretch across the seas, in a generous gesture of friendship. Perhaps if you ignore his chilliness and apologize for being caught up in strong and stressful emotions, he will realize that he, too, was acting under emotional distress, although of a different sort.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a guest brings a package to a party I have normally thanked the person and then put the gift off to the side inconspicuously. I did not want others who did not bring something to feel like this was a required "entry fee."

However, last year one present was food; I only discovered later that this was a dish meant to be served that night. I am sure the giver must have thought I did not approve of the dish or the food since it never made it to the table. What is the best way to handle this situation?

Finally, when these types of gifts are received, I normally send thank-you notes. If this is correct, what is the difference between a regular present and a food gift in terms of thank-you notes? I have been told the host does not need to do this, that the partygoer should send me a thank-you note.

GENTLE READER: Everyone has to be thanked. You have to thank the guests for their presents. They have to thank you for the hospitality. So the question Miss Manners is left with is whether this should be done in writing, or by word of mouth, or by chewing of mouth.

If possible, you should thank anyone who arrives with a present, grabbing a quick look at it, perhaps on a trip to the kitchen. You need not serve any food that is brought, because you presumably have a meal planned, and can assume you will enjoy this later.

The guests are obligated to write their thanks to you, but you need write only if you have not managed to thank them on the spot, or if the present is an extraordinary one beyond the category of hostess present. A whole ox, perhaps.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was feeling tortured last year at Thanksgiving and was wondering how to avoid that feeling this year.

For the last 20 years, my husband and I have been invited to the house of his brother and sister-in-law. I really do appreciate all the work that is involved. However, people do thank them for their work, and they get to keep the leftovers.

We drive more than eight hours (sometimes it's worse, depending on ice and snow, overheated engines and the number of diaper changes), and last year was emotionally the worst. Our 16-year-old daughter decided to use that time to tell us how much she hates us. Our 13-year-old son, usually very calm, was upset when somebody stepped on and broke his boom box. My 6-year-old said every other minute, "Are we there yet?"

When my husband started yelling, I asked to get out of the car, but that doesn't really work because then it takes longer to get there.

The minute we got there, my brother-in-law sent me right out for pizza for the whole family. I think he wanted to be sure that we pay our share and do our share. My sister-in-law made an angry comment that we hadn't brought the kind of Scotch they wanted. (I couldn't find it.) The next day, I grocery shopped, and I always spend more than $200, which I'm happy to do, except that it's never enough.

I don't think it's an accident that their uncle's wife stopped coming to Thanksgiving as soon as he died. I don't believe she ever felt truly welcome. I know another cousin feels that way, too.

I'd have it at our house, but the others all live elsewhere. I just wish that once they could do the drive, and they might treat us better when we got there.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is not as confident that exposure to the behavior in your car would inspire your relatives to treat you better. Perhaps it might shock them into realizing how horrid family life can be when people feel free to unload their ugliest feelings on one another.

Yet that does not seem to have occurred to you. Please, then, allow Miss Manners to make some recommendations.

Before you get into the car, you need to have a pleasant family council, asking for suggestions on how to make the trip enjoyable, or at least bearable, for all of you. A few rules would be in order, such as no yelling and no unloading pent-up grievances. There's not much you can do about "Are we there yet?"

The next topic should be how you can assist your hosts, including showing patience and tolerance if they seem unreasonable, perhaps to set them a good example. In this regard, Miss Manners believes you would find it helpful to avoid dwelling on their great good luck in being able to keep the leftovers in exchange for merely entertaining a houseful of grumpy people.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The media have been printing and airing lots of photographs and videos of dead bodies. I was under the impression that it is wrong to photograph the dead or take pictures at a funeral. Is it really bad manners, or is it just something I find offensive?

GENTLE READER: It is not, per se, bad manners to photograph the dead in a dignified way. Indeed, representations, sometimes including death masks, were sought as keepsakes by the bereaved in past times.

It is displaying these, including in public venues, that is an etiquette problem and an extremely difficult one. The trade-off for the media is between protecting people from being unnecessarily horrified, and giving them the news of any horrors being committed. Weighing these factors in each case is what Miss Manners considers proper behavior for journalists.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several months ago I read in some food magazine that when one finishes the entree while dining in a restaurant, it is considered good manners and considerate to the server or busboy to use your napkin to wipe clean a small area at the edge of the plate so the fingers won't be "soiled" when the plate is picked up for removal.

As I recall, the article I read said it mattered not if the napkin was cloth or paper or whether the restaurant was "high class" or a greasy spoon.

My wife and daughters rebuke me for doing this every time we eat out, and they believe I never really read such a "stupid" item. Now I'm beginning to wonder if I did myself, as none of our friends or associates have ever heard of such a "courtesy." How does Miss Manners feel about this?

GENTLE READER: Both more and less delicately than your wife and daughters. She would never call such a well-meaning idea stupid, but -- oh, yuck!

Here is why this renegade "rule" is stupid. Whoops. What Miss Manners means to say was, here is why this supposedly thoughtful notion is actually thoughtless:

It assumes that the server doesn't know how to do the job properly, which requires gripping the plate from beneath, with a steadying thumb touching only the rim. Anyone who carries a plate with thumb planted into its surface is not going far in the restaurant business, where people do not care to eat from a plate that has received that personal touch.

It assumes that you don't know how to eat without leaving your plate entirely smeared to its edges.

It shows a callous disregard for the person who must pick up or launder a napkin that has been used as a cleaning rag.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend who will be retiring soon has worked 30 years for a major company. The company will be giving a retirement celebration for him.

Is it ethical for his wife and daughter-in-law also to give a retirement party? I have never heard of individuals giving retirement parties. Normally it is the company that gives the party.

We live several thousand miles from them and will not be able to attend either event. Other than sending a nice card, should we also include a gift?

GENTLE READER: Ethical? Unless there were threats used in a shake-down to suggest that sending a present would be prudent, Miss Manners sees nothing unethical about a family party celebrating retirement. Many companies have skipped doing this, and colleagues or relatives have marked the occasion so that a worker doesn't simply slip out unnoticed.

Even in this case, where there is also a company event, she doesn't object to a private celebration, although it is odd to endow it with such importance as to assume that guests would be willing to travel to attend. A parting gift for faithful service is, however, the sole responsibility of the employer. You need send only your congratulations.

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