DEAR MISS MANNERS: If everyone could be so lucky as to have the problem I do. My husband is in medical school, and I am a graduate student. I am paid a stipend that is adequate to cover our living expenses and my tuition is paid for by a fellowship, but medical school is a different matter. My in-laws offered to pay for the entire cost of their son's education, over $100,000.

I understand that one should graciously accept all well-meaning gifts, but we could not bring ourselves to accept this. I believe they truly imagined there were no strings attached, but even with the best of intentions, they were not about to simply write us a check for $100, 000 and forget about it.

In declining, we said how appreciative we were of the very generous offer and did our best to provide no precise reasons for declining because we really didn't want to debate the issue. We told them simply that our financial independence was important to us and that our education would be all the more valuable if we were able to achieve it on our own.

They said they didn't think we could handle the responsibility of such a large debt and that our relationship would suffer under the strain of financial worries. It got kind of ugly and caused some hard feelings. I'm sure they still can't understand why we would have declined this gift, but providing reasons would have certainly made the whole thing even uglier.

Their response was to send us a check for a few hundred dollars. We didn't cash the check, explaining that we wished they would respect our decision to support ourselves. After about a year they began sending money again and the frequency of such gifts has only been increasing. Since that first check, we've accepted the money because it seems so rude to continue to reject their gifts, and I'm afraid we were wrong to have ever done so.

The truth is, though, we really don't want their money. Is there any rule that I've missed which would allow us to (somehow graciously) refuse money from them? Does it matter if it's enclosed in a birthday card? If it's $20 left on our desk? Should we have accepted their original offer and donated it to our favorite charity?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners certainly feels lucky to get this problem. It is not often that she receives a letter asking how to refuse money graciously, instead of how to extort it successfully.

Still, there is more to this than your admirable desire to pay your own way. These are your husband's parents, and considering his education their responsibility is also admirable. Horrid as it is for children to seem eager to get their hands on family money, renouncing what is freely (if now somewhat crudely) offered comes dangerously close to rejecting the family.

Fortunately, Miss Manners can tell you how to accept and reject it at the same time. She feels positively Solomonic.

Thank them profusely, and put all those birthday enclosures, tips left around the house, whatever, into a special nest-egg account. That way, you can tell them that although it is a point of pride with you to prove that you can support yourselves, you are mighty happy to know that a cushion is available, should anyone encounter job problems or become ill. Add that if all goes well, you plan to use it for their grandchildren's education -- unless, of course, your children tell you they will pay their own way through nursery school, thank you very much.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have fallen in love with my (married-with-children) dentist and don't know how to get out of this -- maybe transference? At my age, 53, I should know better. I am so upset with myself that I got blind-sided by this. I wish I were smarter or even a more virtuous person, but I'm not. I have lost 20 pounds, can't eat, can't sleep, and do not have an acceptable outlet for these feelings. I can barely keep my eyes off this man, much less consider anyone else. I need a competent dentist, but I cannot afford, financially or emotionally, to go back to this man. Have you any insight into this that would be helpful to me?

GENTLE READER: It is quite common to love your dentist if you have had toothache and the dentist made it go away. And people often have trouble eating after they have been to the dentist, although usually only for a few minutes until the numbness wears off.

That is about as much emotional insight as you are going to get from Miss Manners. Her concern is that people behave themselves even when renegade feelings prompt them to do otherwise. Smartness and virtue offer no protection against falling in love, but they are useful in preventing this state from inspiring behavior that is foolish.

So far, you seem to have managed to restrain yourself from leaping at your dentist while he has a drill in his hand, which is a very good idea all around. So is removing yourself from future temptation.

Therefore, Miss Manners' answer to your suggestion of "transference" is yes. Get your dental association to help you transfer your dental care, if not your affections, to another competent dentist.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently got married, which is wonderful, but now we are struggling with the name situation, which is not.

For a variety of reasons, my husband is taking my last name. Our friends and relatives want to know how we should be addressed: Mr. and Mrs. Maidenname? Mrs. and Mr. Maidenname? On formal invitations, should we be listed as Mr. and Mrs. Husband Maidenname?

It is all very confusing. I am tempted to go to medical school so that I can just use "Dr." and be done with it.

GENTLE READER: Medical school sounds like a good idea. Are we done now?

Miss Manners supposes not. There are those four years of studying to get through, and I didn't catch you in time to suggest postponing your marriage. So you have to choose between the old and new forms currently approved (by Miss Manners).

There is not much tradition on this issue, but there is some. In aristocratic families without sons, the son-in-law would sometimes take his wife's name so that their children would continue its usage. From then on, it would be treated no differently than if the wife had taken his name, so you would be Mr. and Mrs. Husband Maidenname.

Those who do not use the Mr. and Mrs. construction for one reason or another may use both their full names with honorifics, in which case you would be formally Ms. Brianna Maidenname and Mr. Zachery Maidenname -- until you finish medical school, when we will all feel better.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a brunch with a bunch of ladies, I ordered buttered toast, and was served two pieces of toast with the butter on the side. I proceeded to butter both pieces while they were still warm, and return them to the plate. I then broke off small pieces, applied jam, and ate them.

One of the women, who has appointed herself resident guru of manners, told me that what I did was incorrect. We won't go into the rudeness of her correcting people publicly, but what is the accepted procedure? Before people became fat conscious, the toast would have been served buttered, so the question would never have come up. Was I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners cannot skip over the information that this Guru of Manners had her nose in your butter plate. No doubt that enabled the lady to get her nose buttered all at once, but that is wrong.

Amateurs fail to understand that knowing the rules is not sufficient. As in the legal profession, a judge must also know how to weigh the circumstances and consequences of applying the rules.

A polite person may sometimes be forced to choose between conflicting etiquette rules, in which case the correct one is the one that least inconveniences others. It is true that bread should be buttered in bite-sized pieces, but if you wanted your bread buttered while it was warm, you were right to do it yourself rather than to call over the waiter as you finished each bite and send the next bit of bread back to the kitchen to be reheated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have quite a 21st-century etiquette question. Like most e-mail users, I periodically receive SPAM -- those annoying, widely distributed pieces of junk email that usually include some sort of plea to "forward the e-mail to everyone you know."

I find these impersonal and rude and usually I simply delete them. Lately, though, I've been wondering if I should do something more. I have learned about various web sites that point out that these e-mails are hoaxes. I have wondered recently if it would be appropriate to point the senders of these e-mail to these sites.

For example, the other day I was one of about 40 recipients who received from my priest a poem purportedly originating from a New York doctor. Supposedly three cents would be donated to the American Cancer Society for each time it was forwarded. Within a minute, I was able to find a message on the American Cancer Society's web site saying the e-mail was a hoax and that no money would be sent if the e-mail was forwarded, as well as a message on the site where the doctor works, saying he authored no such e-mail.

Miss Manners, should I inform my well-meaning priest that the e-mail was a hoax? Should I tell other people who forward similar e-mails? Or would I come across as rude and insensitive?

I somehow want to spare them the time and embarrassment of forwarding what so many people seem to know now are hoaxes, but I also don't want to come across as ungrateful for what I assume is their attempt to spread thoughtful messages.

GENTLE READER: Oh, Miss Manners remembers this problem existing way back in the 20th century. But let us not dwell on the past.

Loath as she is to add to the e-mail junk load, she suggests that you take one more minute to compose a polite message to the well-meaning priest and his mailing list, to spare them further embarrassment. What would make it polite is a tone of appreciation and commiseration: "I am sorry to say that someone is taking advantage of your kind intentions..."

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