DEAR MISS MANNERS: A gentleman with whom I am slightly acquainted recently invited me out to dinner for the first time. Three hours before the date, a friend had a medical emergency and called to ask if I could possibly drive him to the hospital, since he could not reach anyone else.

I agreed without hesitation and called my date immediately with abject apologies and expressed my extreme disappointment that I would not be able to join him that evening. He was very gracious and said that we would simply go another evening.

Two weeks have passed, and I have not heard from him. Is it his place to re-invite me, or should I ask him? Since I barely know him, I would feel awkward doing the latter but am willing to do so if that is the appropriate action.

GENTLE READER: Invite him. Miss Manners' heart aches for the poor gentleman. In the current climate of rudeness, there are a great many people who think nothing of canceling engagements at the last minute, using unlikely excuses and never being heard from again. So there he is, thinking "Friend? What does she mean by friend? Emergency? What does she mean by emergency?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I fly quite often, and I seem to find myself 90 percent of the time behind the person who feels the need to keep his seat back during the entire flight (and often also before take off). I know that seats are made that way to be used also in the "lounging" position, but this really bothers me while the meals are served. Some airlines have seats that go back very far, and I have even been in situations where I can barely see my food.

Most of the time, I politely ask if the person can put their seat up during the meal, and they oblige the first time and for the second meal (on international flights) they do not resume the "up-right-position." This time I don't ask. It has also happened that immediately after the meal they turn around and ask me if I am done and if I say yes the seat goes immediately back.

Is there some kind of etiquette about flying and reclining seats, especially during meal time, or am I the one being rude by asking that this dear person not lounge during his dinner?

GENTLE READER: There is a rude party here, all right, but it is neither you, for requesting the space in which to eat your dinner, nor the passenger, for assuming that otherwise, everyone spends the time tilted back like a row of dominoes.

The rude party is the airline that puts people in an untenable position, so to speak, and then allows them to blame one another for their discomfort.

Miss Manners sees nothing wrong with your politely asking the passenger in front of you to adjust his seat during a meal, as long as you do it as a fellow sufferer asking a favor, rather than as an indignant victim of rudeness. If you need to ask during a second meal, it should not be put as a reminder, but as a second request -- "I wonder if I might trouble you again."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: For parties at which guests need not show up at a precise hour (e.g., cocktails, tea, at home), the first couple to arrive feels awkward about having arrived first. Furthermore, it is the fear of this awkwardness that causes guests to arrive at some random interval after the invitation time, and, in turn, causes hosts to second-guess their guests when choosing that invitation time in the first place.

My wife and I, therefore, invite a particular couple to serve as the designated first couple for the event. This couple, usually flattered to have been made an official part of the proceedings, agrees to show up exactly on time, and, of course, feels no awkwardness at arriving first. No other guest ever does arrive first.

While we cannot be sure that this custom of ours is responsible, we have found that, over time, guests are arriving nearer to parties' invitation times. If you like the idea of a designed first couple, please feel free to share it.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, Miss Manners would be delighted, provided you will allow her the privilege of reciprocating.

Her contribution is sort of the bookend to yours. This is the designated first person to go home -- the dear friend who, at a glance from the host, gets up and says, "My goodness, I had no idea what time it was!" Even after a wonderful evening, it serves to relieve guests who mistakenly believe that there is something rude about going home, as well as hosts who are beginning to believe they never will.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have fallen in love with a gentleman I have been dating for a while. He said he loves me, and we spend a lot of time together doing things. I enjoy his company, and I know he enjoys mine.

My problem is that he has women friends all over the globe whom he corresponds with and telephones. Do I have the right to be angry, even if these women are looking for an American husband?

GENTLE READER: Just a minute, please, while Miss Manners checks the Bill of Rights. In the meantime, you might tell her what you really want to know.

Is it whether a gentleman in love should lose his correspondence privileges? Is it whether it would be decorous in a lady to attempt to take them away? Is it whether it would be wise or even feasible in a lady to take them away?

The answer to all those questions is no.

However, if you wish to know whether the gentleman in question is checking out the foreign scene to find out whether he might be better off with someone else, the answer is beyond Miss Manners' scope. She can only tell you that if such is the case, you will eventually find out one way or another.

True, you might be able to find out sooner by means of the showdown you propose. But if the gentleman is faithful and merely innocently friendly, your raising the question of whether he wants to live under censorship could easily inspire the desire to do better.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have recently separated, and divorce is imminent. We have established separate households and share parenting obligations for our children.

The gentleman has recently moved in with his girlfriend of a few years, having recently revealed the clandestine relationship.

When I have encountered this person, dear Miss Manners, I am polite. I have not maligned her, either to my children or to the public. However, as you can imagine, I do not wish to associate with her in any way.

What is the problem? The problem is that this person is attempting to be friendly and apparently trying to establish our former relationship. We were casual acquaintances prior to, and during, her affair with my soon-to-be-ex-spouse.

While I acknowledge the need to associate with her occasionally for the sake of the children, how can I handle this situation correctly, yet convey my unwillingness to be around this person?

GENTLE READER: The setting you are looking for is cool. Cold and hot (whether the latter describes anger or passion) are out of place at family gatherings, because they demand partisanship on the part of others, a demand you have been courteous enough to avoid.

Cool behavior consists of doing everything socially required in a correct but abbreviated fashion. You greet the person with a short smile indicated by the turning up of the corners of the mouth but no accompanying sign of pleasure in the eyes. You answer any questions in few, neutral words ("Thank you, I'm fine"), avoid asking of your own ("I trust you are well" can substitute for "How are you?") and seize the first opportunity to say "Excuse me" and turn away.

Should this fail -- should your former friend attempt, for example, to hug you -- Miss Manners gives you permission to turn it up to frosty. At that setting, "Excuse me" immediately follows the greeting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I attended a baby shower for a cousin I rarely have a chance to see, I purchased, along with gifts from the gift registry, a few powder-scented candles and dried herbs (I've heard she's a great cook) as a gift for her.

She proceeded to ridicule the fact that I purchased candles for a home with a baby on the way, and said, "When am I going to have time to cook?"

I got those gifts as a nice gesture and was laughed at for it. Also, my gift was not the only one judged. Since I rarely see her, should I confront her about it, or should I be the mature one and let it go?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners supposes that you could make a case for removing the coming child from this person's care on the grounds that she has demonstrated herself to be incapable of looking after the child's welfare. One birthday party where that child imitates such behavior and her social fate will be sealed.

But it seems a great deal of trouble for someone you rarely see, and you have already taken far too much trouble on her behalf. Miss Manners recommends taking less by simply crossing proven ingrates from your list.

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