DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have recently separated, and divorce is imminent. We have established separate households and share parenting obligations for our children.

The gentleman has recently moved in with his girlfriend of a few years, having recently revealed the clandestine relationship.

When I have encountered this person, dear Miss Manners, I am polite. I have not maligned her, either to my children or to the public. However, as you can imagine, I do not wish to associate with her in any way.

What is the problem? The problem is that this person is attempting to be friendly and apparently trying to establish our former relationship. We were casual acquaintances prior to, and during, her affair with my soon-to-be-ex-spouse.

While I acknowledge the need to associate with her occasionally for the sake of the children, how can I handle this situation correctly, yet convey my unwillingness to be around this person?

GENTLE READER: The setting you are looking for is cool. Cold and hot (whether the latter describes anger or passion) are out of place at family gatherings, because they demand partisanship on the part of others, a demand you have been courteous enough to avoid.

Cool behavior consists of doing everything socially required in a correct but abbreviated fashion. You greet the person with a short smile indicated by the turning up of the corners of the mouth but no accompanying sign of pleasure in the eyes. You answer any questions in few, neutral words ("Thank you, I'm fine"), avoid asking of your own ("I trust you are well" can substitute for "How are you?") and seize the first opportunity to say "Excuse me" and turn away.

Should this fail -- should your former friend attempt, for example, to hug you -- Miss Manners gives you permission to turn it up to frosty. At that setting, "Excuse me" immediately follows the greeting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I attended a baby shower for a cousin I rarely have a chance to see, I purchased, along with gifts from the gift registry, a few powder-scented candles and dried herbs (I've heard she's a great cook) as a gift for her.

She proceeded to ridicule the fact that I purchased candles for a home with a baby on the way, and said, "When am I going to have time to cook?"

I got those gifts as a nice gesture and was laughed at for it. Also, my gift was not the only one judged. Since I rarely see her, should I confront her about it, or should I be the mature one and let it go?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners supposes that you could make a case for removing the coming child from this person's care on the grounds that she has demonstrated herself to be incapable of looking after the child's welfare. One birthday party where that child imitates such behavior and her social fate will be sealed.

But it seems a great deal of trouble for someone you rarely see, and you have already taken far too much trouble on her behalf. Miss Manners recommends taking less by simply crossing proven ingrates from your list.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family has received a lovely invitation to a Bobby McFerrin concert and reception afterward. We are among several families to be invited. Our (childless) hostess is very generous.

But included with the invitation are two "contracts" that my two children, ages 11 and 15, must sign as a promise to be on their best behavior. She enclosed an SASE, too.

My children are accustomed to attending concerts and plays and, even when bored, are patient and never rude. We'd love to accept the invitation, but I'm a little put off by the preconditions. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That your children ought to consult their lawyers before signing. Mr. McFerrin is much given to asking for audience participation, and they may be faced with the choice between disobeying his instructions and violating the contract.

There is also, of course, that small matter of age discrimination. Although numerous prodigies have demonstrated that classical music is accessible to the very young, society persists in discouraging children from listening to it by telling them in not-too-subtle ways that they do not belong in concert halls.

Rude children have been known to disturb other concert-goers, but not because a gang of them shows up on their own. For every mannerless child, there is at least one mannerless accompanying adult. It is clearly discriminatory to use age profiling against any children present when they are outnumbered by rude adults.

However, Miss Manners does not believe that problem should be turned over to lawyers, even by children with generous allowances. Rather than signing these prejudicial contracts, your children should demonstrate their good manners by putting into the envelope a note thanking their hostess for inviting them and assuring her that they are experienced and enthusiastic concert-goers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you say guests should be invited to the wedding dinner, not just to come for drinks after the dinner, are you aware of the cost per plate? Unless one has a position where he or she makes big bucks, it is impossible to invite everyone to the dinner.

My daughter is getting married and has invited 300 people for dinner: uncles, aunts, first cousins, grandparents on both sides, close friends of the bride and groom, close friends of the parents, friends of the grandparents and close neighbors. We have a large family.

My daughter wants to include 30 co-workers (and spouses) for the church ceremony and reception, but not the dinner. When I receive such an invitation, I am not offended. I enjoy having a social evening where there is a free beer and free dancing, and where I can socialize with other people. I am glad to bring a gift. Get real, Miss Manners!

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is happy to take your advice and shine the harsh light of reality on what you have said.

We are in agreement that one should not overspend on a wedding. The disagreement is in how to spend a reasonable amount that one can afford.

Your priority is food; Miss Manners' is people. You want to spend it on dinner for a limited number; she would spend it, or perhaps even less, on a festive wedding breakfast or afternoon reception and invite everyone in that large family and circle of friends.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a couple marries, each gives the other a ring to wear on the left-hand ring finger signifying to all that each is a married person. I lost my beautiful wife just one year ago yesterday. We would have had our 55th wedding anniversary in June of this year.

I am still wearing the ring she gave me on my left-hand ring finger. Because I'm now no longer married, but widowed, would it be proper to move the ring to the right-hand ring finger, wear it around my neck on a chain, or just -- what?

To clarify, I have no intention of ever marrying again, but I would like to find a companion with similar tastes for entertainment. I do not want to show any disrespect to my former wife, as I loved her so much.

GENTLE READER: Yes, yes, please don't upset yourself. This is one of the extremely rare cases in which etiquette forgoes its usual dictatorial ways and advises you to go by your own feelings. There is no rule requiring or forbidding the widowed to remove their wedding rings.

Lest you think Miss Manners is deserting you, she hastens to assure you that she does have something to contribute to the subject. Etiquette not only makes rules, but it presides over the symbolism system, so it is her job to explain the symbolic ramifications of whichever choice you make.

Your wedding ring symbolizes your marriage, which has sadly ended in your wife's death, so it would not be disrespectful to remove it. It also symbolizes your love for her, and that is why the widowed sometimes choose to keep wearing their rings.

However, others, as well as yourself, will be reading that symbolism. If you are seeking simple friendship, the rings would serve as notice that you mean nothing more and do not intend to remarry. If you are seeking a romantic attachment, it would be only polite to keep the ring from public view to avoid its reminding another lady (and everyone you both know) that she is of secondary emotional importance to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dilemma started sometime ago. I knew this guy in high school and was quite smitten with him. My feelings for him were very strong at the time, but we lost touch. His 10-year high school reunion was last year, so I started to look him up. I discovered that he died in 1992. Is it appropriate to contact his family to offer my condolences, or is it too late? I would really like to pay my last respects and let them know how fond of their son I was.

GENTLE READER: It would be an extremely kind thing to do. Forget whatever you have heard about closure in grief. Miss Manners assures you that these people still remember that their son is dead, they still think of him all the time, they still miss him and they would be highly gratified to know that someone else does, too.

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