DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a museum, I caught sight of a man who had obviously been severely burned. As he passed by a group of school children, the children pointed and shouted. Immediately, their teacher came over and lectured them on their behavior.

As a mother-to-be, I hope that my child would be better behaved than the ones at the museum. How does one instruct children on how to behave around people with disabilities? How should one behave if one's child behaves inappropriately in such a situation?

I understand that it is natural for children to be curious about (and afraid of) people who look "different," but we all know that learning to control our emotions is a part of growing up.

GENTLE READER: Everybody looks "different," one way or another. That's how we tell them apart.

The best way to teach children to avoid spending their lives offending and/or boring people by pointing out to them that they are tall or use a wheelchair or have red hair or stutter is to enlarge their experience of the world. But you are quite right that you should not let them out without first having made an absolute rule against commenting on other people's appearances, favorably or unfavorably, except to compliment people they know extremely well.

As for on-the-spot corrections, Miss Manners hopes that the teacher's lecture consisted only of scolding the children for being rude, and that she saved the part about "How do you think this makes him feel?" for later.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have received a wedding invitation and do not know how to respond. It is from a man who, along with his former wife, has been our close friend for 15 years. He recently divorced his wife and left his family for another woman.

Do we attend the wedding to show support for his two teen-aged children, who live with their mother? If so, what do we say in the receiving line? We can't say out loud what we feel inside. Saying to the new bride "We don't know how you can sleep at night, you home-wrecker," or saying to the groom, "I hope your new wife breaks your heart like you broke Sue's heart," would be unacceptable.

Do we decline the invitation? If so, how do we word our "regret," and is a gift or card in order? We don't even know what kind of card would be appropriate under these circumstances. Please help us with this predicament. We have never been in a situation like this, and hope never to be again.

GENTLE READER: Of course you must decline an invitation to attend a wedding where you wish both people ill. What are you, the bad fairy?

Fortunately for you, the proper way to decline a wedding invitation is a set piece that leaves no room for the guests' opinion of the couple: "Mr. and Mrs. Penrod Pebble regret that they are unable to accept the kind invitation of Ms. Homewrecker and Mr. Cad for Saturday, the ninth of June."

If they included one of those horrid response cards, Miss Manners gives you permission merely to check the negative choice without comment. You may also take advantage of the fact that presents are optional when one does not attend a wedding.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you say something about people who wear backpacks in crowded places, such as elevators, public transit and cafeteria lines? These people don't seem to realize that their appendage makes them cut a wide swath whenever they turn around, and I am forever getting hit by their baggage. I believe the proper thing is for these wearers to put their packs in front of themselves when they are in a crowded area. Mail carriers do it, although they are mainly interested in protecting their letters.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners trusts that you are not implying that mail carriers ought to be better motivated. Surely protecting the mail is their sacred trust, and it is not their fault that most of it consists of duplicate catalogues.

Backpackers may be perfectly well motivated, and yet go around smashing people. This is why etiquette, unlike the more forgiving social sciences, is interested in action as well as motivation. Goodhearted people who hit others with their backpacks are rude.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: While dining, I usually keep my free hand on my lap. A friend told me that one must always keep both hands on the table. What is the proper, formal way of doing this? I would like to know since I often go to business lunches and dinners.

GENTLE READER: Your friend is European. For reasons best known to themselves, Europeans prefer to be able to see the location of the hands of everyone at the table, so that a hand that is not in active use should be parked like a paw on the table's edge. Miss Manners expects Americans to follow the equally formal American system, which mandates that the unused hand be parked on its owner's lap. However, she also calls attention to the fact that this may require a certain amount of self-control.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love my in-laws dearly, and every summer, my husband and I fly to their country to spend a month in the lovely home they purchased and furnished 30 years ago. They always extend warm hospitality and make us feel welcome -- they purchase and prepare foods we like, re-arrange furniture, make plenty of closet and drawer space, etc. We always help with cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc.

Here's the problem: Their 30-year-old beds and sofas all sag terribly and are very lumpy. My back aches after only one night, lasting into the day. I have tried every possible sleeping surface in their home. There are no hotels nearby, even if we could afford to stay in one year after year.

My in-laws are middle class, and could, I believe, afford a new, simple bed or sofa bed, but they find all their furniture very comfortable and see no reason to change anything.

I hate feeling like the "spoiled American," but I'm already dreading the back pain, and this year I am pregnant. I don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't want to force them to spend money.

Can we somehow select and pay for new beds for their guest room? How do we approach it?

GENTLE READER: In the etiquette business, we always tell hosts to sleep in their own guest rooms once in a while, just to make sure they are comfortable.

Nobody ever does this, of course. Not even Miss Manners. She resolves to, but before she knows it, her dainty little slippered feet have carried her right back to her own bed. She falls asleep comforting herself that it doesn't really matter, because if there were anything wrong, surely her dear relatives who often stay over would have told her.

Only people who are on wary terms with their visiting relatives would take such information as an insult. And in relationships like that, it is not necessary to say anything, because the visits are going to be brief.

Besides, you and your husband are offering a present, rather than a correction. You need only say, "We're buying you new beds for the guest room, so we want you to come and pick out what you like." If it comes out that they are particularly attached to the beds they have, your present can be to have the frames fixed and the springs and mattresses replaced. The only reason you need supply is that the beds are old and it was time.

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