DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you say something about people who wear backpacks in crowded places, such as elevators, public transit and cafeteria lines? These people don't seem to realize that their appendage makes them cut a wide swath whenever they turn around, and I am forever getting hit by their baggage. I believe the proper thing is for these wearers to put their packs in front of themselves when they are in a crowded area. Mail carriers do it, although they are mainly interested in protecting their letters.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners trusts that you are not implying that mail carriers ought to be better motivated. Surely protecting the mail is their sacred trust, and it is not their fault that most of it consists of duplicate catalogues.

Backpackers may be perfectly well motivated, and yet go around smashing people. This is why etiquette, unlike the more forgiving social sciences, is interested in action as well as motivation. Goodhearted people who hit others with their backpacks are rude.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While dining, I usually keep my free hand on my lap. A friend told me that one must always keep both hands on the table. What is the proper, formal way of doing this? I would like to know since I often go to business lunches and dinners.

GENTLE READER: Your friend is European. For reasons best known to themselves, Europeans prefer to be able to see the location of the hands of everyone at the table, so that a hand that is not in active use should be parked like a paw on the table's edge. Miss Manners expects Americans to follow the equally formal American system, which mandates that the unused hand be parked on its owner's lap. However, she also calls attention to the fact that this may require a certain amount of self-control.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love my in-laws dearly, and every summer, my husband and I fly to their country to spend a month in the lovely home they purchased and furnished 30 years ago. They always extend warm hospitality and make us feel welcome -- they purchase and prepare foods we like, re-arrange furniture, make plenty of closet and drawer space, etc. We always help with cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc.

Here's the problem: Their 30-year-old beds and sofas all sag terribly and are very lumpy. My back aches after only one night, lasting into the day. I have tried every possible sleeping surface in their home. There are no hotels nearby, even if we could afford to stay in one year after year.

My in-laws are middle class, and could, I believe, afford a new, simple bed or sofa bed, but they find all their furniture very comfortable and see no reason to change anything.

I hate feeling like the "spoiled American," but I'm already dreading the back pain, and this year I am pregnant. I don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't want to force them to spend money.

Can we somehow select and pay for new beds for their guest room? How do we approach it?

GENTLE READER: In the etiquette business, we always tell hosts to sleep in their own guest rooms once in a while, just to make sure they are comfortable.

Nobody ever does this, of course. Not even Miss Manners. She resolves to, but before she knows it, her dainty little slippered feet have carried her right back to her own bed. She falls asleep comforting herself that it doesn't really matter, because if there were anything wrong, surely her dear relatives who often stay over would have told her.

Only people who are on wary terms with their visiting relatives would take such information as an insult. And in relationships like that, it is not necessary to say anything, because the visits are going to be brief.

Besides, you and your husband are offering a present, rather than a correction. You need only say, "We're buying you new beds for the guest room, so we want you to come and pick out what you like." If it comes out that they are particularly attached to the beds they have, your present can be to have the frames fixed and the springs and mattresses replaced. The only reason you need supply is that the beds are old and it was time.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't wish to sound petty or unfeeling, but there is a situation one finds in newspaper death notices that troubles me. Surely, when a person dies and the obituary is published, he or she is entitled to his or her 15 minutes of fame. If not then, when?

It is nice to read "John Sledbearer, beloved husband of Charity" or "Susan Sportsworthy, cherished wife of Clyde." But I do object to "He is survived by his 'beloved' wife, Charmain." Who says she was beloved? Or, "He was survived by his 'loving' children."

Would the old man agree to that? And isn't this about him anyway? It feels self-serving and inappropriate for the survivors to use those adjectives about themselves in this situation, but correct me if I am misguided.

I don't object at all to the deceased being described as "Beloved" or "Cherished" (more power to 'em) but I just don't want those left behind taking the accolades that, in my opinion, belong solely to the deceased.

GENTLE READER: The old man may not agree with his obituary, but if he could, would he speak up?

Would he say, "I can think of several women I cared for more"?

Or "Loving children, my eye -- I noticed they were too busy to visit me in the hospital, but not too busy to start grabbing my stuff the second I croaked"?

Maybe. These days one cannot count on anyone to observe the decencies. Miss Manners agrees with you that it is bad taste to use a death to point out the deceased's admiration for oneself. Many a time has she heard a eulogy given by a colleague or friend that pinpoints the deceased's finest quality as his appreciation of the humble speaker.

She also shares your distaste for affectionate adjectives in death notices, but only because she doesn't believe that public announcements should include the emotional aspect of the situation. Wedding announcements don't mention that the couple is crazy in love -- or if they do now, Miss Manners doesn't want to hear about it. But she cannot begrudge it to the bereaved who find comfort in it. One of the disadvantages of death is that one must leave one's reputation in others' hands, and if the truth is somewhat stretched in favor of respectability, well, people tend to gloss over things in life, as well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes at parties in private houses, or in the synagogue during services, guests or congregants move chairs from where they have been placed by the hosts or the ritual committee. I understand, of course, why this happens: The people wish to sit by friends. However, the effect may be to constrict the walking space and prevent other guests from circulating, and to block the fire exits and obstruct the Torah procession. Is there some appropriate statement or action in these circumstances?

GENTLE READER: The statement is either a public announcement of "Please clear the aisles" or a private request of "Excuse me, please," and the action is to have the moveable chairs replaced with ones that are either bolted down or too heavy to move. If you were thinking of something more forceful, Miss Manners requests you kindly to stop.

: