DEAR MISS MANNERS: A large fruit salad, served in a tall stemmed bowl on a plate, was the first course at an annual dinner we attended at a nice restaurant. It was firmly and highly packed, with bite-sized pieces of fruit and juice at the bottom of the bowl.

There was obvious confusion as to which utensil to use. I used my teaspoon, as two were provided, rather than the salad fork, because that is how I was taught, and because I wanted to take up the juice, which I enjoy. Both fork and spoon users found eating the presentation awkward because of the height and packed nature.

Upon removal, the waiter returned my spoon but took away my fork. I felt embarrassed. Which utensil should I have used?

GENTLE READER: Probably your napkin. Juicy fruit in a tall glass is a set-up. If it is served at all, it ought to be for dessert, and dessert may be properly eaten with both a spoon and a fork. Neither would have done a complete job alone, so under the circumstances, your guess was as good as anyone else's.

You are kind to be embarrassed on behalf of a waiter who doesn't even know that a used utensil should be replaced and not returned, but he may have been acting on orders from the management to save dishwater. Miss Manners wouldn't put it past an establishment that serves food that cannot be eaten gracefully.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been appalled by the behavior of the audiences at high-school and junior-high graduation ceremonies I have attended over the last few years.

Instead of holding their applause until the names of all the graduates have been called, as I thought was proper, various levels of applause and cheering are given to each graduate. Nongraduating students stand in small groups to cheer as their friends' names are called, with parents and other adults also taking part in the revelry. In addition to clapping and cheering, people actually bring in plastic horns and cow bells to make noise.

A small minority of graduates receive no applause at all. Although this might mean that their friends and family know how to behave at a graduation, it gives the impression that they are friendless.

I have a child graduating from each of these schools, and I would like to know how I should respond as my children's names are called. In an atmosphere that is certain to resemble that of a basketball game more than a graduation, I am thinking polite applause may be acceptable and will seem positively subdued.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is not opposed to genuine graduation-day exuberance. She is sadly aware that all graduates are doomed thereafter to a lifetime of nightmares about being confronted with taking examinations in courses that they forgot to attend all semester.

But what you and Miss Manners have observed is not exactly exuberance. It is something similar to the old school Valentine's Day, where the names of those receiving Valentines were called out as each card was taken from a box, thus focusing every one's attention on who was popular and who was not. The meaner (and, sadly, therefore often more popular) ones were given to going around the room afterward, asking the outcasts "How many Valentines did you get?"

Eventually, schools abolished this custom on the grounds of emotional cruelty against tender sprouts.

So the sprouts have brought it back. They chose a day when they know that school authorities have relinquished their power over them and, anyway, wouldn't want to dampen the occasion with disapproval. As a result, graduations have, as you have observed, turned into staged popularity contests.

Mannerly parents should warn their children that they do not plan to participate: If there is a request to withhold applause until the end, they will do so; if there is applause after each name, they will applaud each graduate. If a number of parents agree about this, they can warn the entire class, who will not be so eager to hold this contest if their own strongest supporters refuse to play.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently remodeled my home and plan on entertaining more extensively. However, I have a septic system rather than city sewage, and I'm worried about guests flushing something down the toilet and ruining my septic system. Almost anything could cause big repair bills.

How can I delicately inform guests that nothing but white, single-ply toilet paper can be put in the toilet? I'm particularly concerned about tampons and tissue.

GENTLE READER: Delicately? It strikes Miss Manners that what we have here is a choice of indelicacies, of which the most delicate would be the most disastrous. That would be saying nothing and letting them (and you) take the consequences.

It is indelicate to have to give guests instructions, and it is indelicate to post signs in one's home. But faced with a possible emergency, Miss Manners would concede that you should quietly do both -- not as a command, but as an apology that your system is on the primitive side.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: After a recent death in our family, one member had a "reception" after the funeral. Some of us went and some didn't. I brought food to the home, as is the custom. Are we automatically invited to the "reception," or must we wait for an invitation?

GENTLE READER: Actually, this might be considered a reception, in the sense that the family is receiving those who care to come and pay their respects, as opposed to giving a party for invited guests. Therefore, under normal circumstances, anyone who attended the funeral would be welcome, and the fact of the event may be announced by the person presiding over the funeral or mentioned around by members of the family.

Miss Manners threw in that part about "normal circumstances" to warn off anyone who cared about the deceased enough to attend the funeral, but knows that his or her presence would be painful to the family. This may or may not include ex-spouses, lovers, estranged relatives and known enemies. Miss Manners doesn't know who they are, but they do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my son graduated from high school, his father and I (we're divorced) hosted a graduation party for family and friends on both sides, and my son insisted on a "dry" celebration -- no alcohol served. He said this was very important to him.

What I considered to be a simple matter to be decided by the hosts (as the hosts would choose to serve chicken vs. beef) became an awkward moment when my two brothers arrived separately with coolers of their favorite alcoholic beverages. I quietly informed them that my son had requested a dry celebration, and their coolers were returned to their cars.

With my son now graduating from college, we are once again planning a celebration. I need to know the correct way to handle this.

After the last party, I was told that the guests should have been informed that no alcohol would be served. I disagreed. The guests who arrived with liquor should have suggested ahead of time that they could bring some to help out, and I could have politely declined and let them know of the agreement with my son.

This was not the same as a guest presenting the hosts with a bottle of wine or liquor upon arrival as a token of congratulations or thank you. The coolers were brought to ensure that the two would have a supply of their own brand, not necessarily for sharing with the other 60 guests.

GENTLE READER: Do you mean to say that in four years, your son's uncles have not succeeded in teaching him the benefits of alcohol?

Count your blessings, and don't let them try to teach him etiquette, either. Bringing their own brand of refreshment for themselves to consume at a party would have been rude even if what they brought was a bag of pretzels.

But didn't they learn from the experience? If you feel you have to warn them not to do it again, go ahead. They're your brothers, and they are known offenders.

Otherwise, the hosts' obligation to describe the refreshments is limited to letting them know, in the invitation itself, whether there will be a meal served or whether they would be wise to take something out of the freezer for dinner.

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