DEAR MISS MANNERS: After a recent death in our family, one member had a "reception" after the funeral. Some of us went and some didn't. I brought food to the home, as is the custom. Are we automatically invited to the "reception," or must we wait for an invitation?

GENTLE READER: Actually, this might be considered a reception, in the sense that the family is receiving those who care to come and pay their respects, as opposed to giving a party for invited guests. Therefore, under normal circumstances, anyone who attended the funeral would be welcome, and the fact of the event may be announced by the person presiding over the funeral or mentioned around by members of the family.

Miss Manners threw in that part about "normal circumstances" to warn off anyone who cared about the deceased enough to attend the funeral, but knows that his or her presence would be painful to the family. This may or may not include ex-spouses, lovers, estranged relatives and known enemies. Miss Manners doesn't know who they are, but they do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my son graduated from high school, his father and I (we're divorced) hosted a graduation party for family and friends on both sides, and my son insisted on a "dry" celebration -- no alcohol served. He said this was very important to him.

What I considered to be a simple matter to be decided by the hosts (as the hosts would choose to serve chicken vs. beef) became an awkward moment when my two brothers arrived separately with coolers of their favorite alcoholic beverages. I quietly informed them that my son had requested a dry celebration, and their coolers were returned to their cars.

With my son now graduating from college, we are once again planning a celebration. I need to know the correct way to handle this.

After the last party, I was told that the guests should have been informed that no alcohol would be served. I disagreed. The guests who arrived with liquor should have suggested ahead of time that they could bring some to help out, and I could have politely declined and let them know of the agreement with my son.

This was not the same as a guest presenting the hosts with a bottle of wine or liquor upon arrival as a token of congratulations or thank you. The coolers were brought to ensure that the two would have a supply of their own brand, not necessarily for sharing with the other 60 guests.

GENTLE READER: Do you mean to say that in four years, your son's uncles have not succeeded in teaching him the benefits of alcohol?

Count your blessings, and don't let them try to teach him etiquette, either. Bringing their own brand of refreshment for themselves to consume at a party would have been rude even if what they brought was a bag of pretzels.

But didn't they learn from the experience? If you feel you have to warn them not to do it again, go ahead. They're your brothers, and they are known offenders.

Otherwise, the hosts' obligation to describe the refreshments is limited to letting them know, in the invitation itself, whether there will be a meal served or whether they would be wise to take something out of the freezer for dinner.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please help advise a group of professional hospital nurses on how to respond to the regular insults we often face in our required communications with those "above" us, namely physicians. We are often yelled at, objects are thrown at or around us, and charts are slammed in front of us.

On the phone, we are frequently hung up on. We are insulted personally and professionally with regard to our abilities. This is done in a loud, screaming fashion, sometimes in public, while shaking a finger in our faces. Even more insulting is to not be acknowledged at all or even addressed by our names.

Our efforts to resolve these difficulties with our managers have been unsuccessful, as we are expendable, and the physicians bring patients and money to the hospital. We are sometimes pacified with the explanation that the offending physician has personal problems or that he or she was up all night or, worse yet, that we possess a personal deficiency which our managers didn't notice previously, but which elicits such treatment.

On our best days we get by with no screaming and a mumbled thank you. These occur far less frequently than the former. How is one to deal with such incidents when our patients' lives are at stake and even our very jobs are on the line? The offending parties have never made apologies and acknowledgment of the behavior.

GENTLE READER: Please remind Miss Manners not to check herself into a hospital where any such behavior is practiced. Whatever immediate ailment she might have, she would quickly have to be transferred to the cardiac ward.

It's not just the shock these doctors would be administering to her sense of decency. She would also be doubtful of their medical competence. Doctors need to be able to keep cool in emergencies, and the ones you describe don't seem to be able to control themselves even under their ordinary working conditions.

As nurses, you are undoubtedly familiar with treating hysterics sympathetically, while at the same time keeping them from harming others. As individuals, you should be soothing anyone who behaves like this, suggesting kindly that he take it easy, asking whether you can get him anything, checking that he is taking any medicine he should be having. Acting as a group, you might consider it your duty to warn the board, if the management refuses to listen, that the hospital could be remiss if it ignored the emotional problems of specific doctors that nurses and patients have seen create problems on the job.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please remind your readers that it is a courtesy to identify hostess gifts.

When these arrive attached to guests, the hostess is only able to offer a brief verbal thanks, but sometimes she'd like to write a note, or the like, afterwards. I had an open house and wound up with many lovely gifts the donors of which are probably now gestating letters to you complaining that they weren't acknowledged. They would have been if I'd know to whom to write or phone!

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would be happy to remind them, but may she also remind you to have a crayon on hand? After all, the guests cannot know what the set-up is to be -- how many guests, whether you will open the presents in front of them -- but you do. On an occasion when you suspect that presents might be brought, she suggests that you have a table where you may park them, and quickly scrawl the name on the package.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We recently got married (second marriage for both) in a big, catered Saturday evening affair. We wrote on the invitation that, in lieu of gifts, we'd be honored by a contribution to our favorite charity or one of our guests' own choice.

About 60 percent of our guests have given contributions made in our honor, and a few gave us traditional gifts. To my surprise, many of my husband's very charitably minded, well-to-do friends who attended have not responded to our request at all.

I am at best perplexed and admittedly hurt. Should I take it personally that his friends have let us down? Would it be appropriate to send them thank yous for attending our wedding, which might serve as a gentle reminder that they have a social obligation that remains unmet?

GENTLE READER: Oh, just do the traditional bridal thing. Threaten to break their knees if they don't fork over the money. Miss Manners only hopes that you do not have the mistaken notion that you are an angel of charity for demanding that other people give away their money as a tribute to you.

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