DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would you please explain to your readers, in your well-reasoned and irrefutable way, why people should not inflict surprise parties on their friends?

I just discovered, accidentally, that a surprise bridal shower was in the works for a date and time that would have been disastrous for me. If I hadn't discovered this and persuaded the host to reschedule, one of two things would have happened: either I would have reacted very ungraciously, thereby alienating my friends and relations; or I would have grinned and borne it but resented them forever for throwing off my plans for the day (which couldn't have been reconstructed at any other time).

Why can't people manage a simple "I'd like to organize a shower for you, would the 20th at 11 a.m. work, or is something else preferable?" Such an approach would elicit the feeling of happiness that someone going to the effort of planning a party on another's behalf surely hopes for, and it would ensure that when the event arrived, the guest of honor was prepared -- physically, mentally and cosmetically to enjoy his or her own party.

Please say Miss Manners agrees with me; it's all I've ever hoped for in life.

GENTLE READER: After that declaration, Miss Manners would probably agree to anything. But she agrees that you have deftly pointed out the problem with surprise parties: They take the guest of honor by surprise.

Her idea of a successful surprise party is one at which the guests, having had their fun popping out and shouting "Surprise!" spend the rest of the evening asking the perfectly groomed and relaxed guest of honor, "You mean you really had no inkling?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I realize this letter will not be read by the people who should read it, but right now I am so disappointed, disgusted and mad that I have to vent to someone. I have just come home from my grandson's fifth birthday party, to which he invited 15 of his classmates, and only one parent called in regrets. Well, five classmates attended!

My daughter put R.S.V.P. Regrets Only on the invitations. Do parents nowadays not know what that means, or are they just rude and inconsiderate?

My daughter planned for 14 cupcakes, punch, goodie bags (which aren't cheap to put together). What should people do to plan for a party -- call each person and ask if they're coming so they won't be out extra money?

GENTLE READER: It's not the extra money. Miss Manners doesn't care how much those goodie bags cost, you didn't get disappointed, disgusted and mad over the financial loss.

What is bothering you, and rightly so, is your grandson's heartbreak about having been stood up. And that, yes, there are a great many rude people who don't answer invitations.

Still, your daughter could have done more to protect your grandson, including, unfortunately, calling around to find out who was attending.

She should not have trusted in "regrets only," a peculiar construction generally associated with parties so large that the hosts feel they require only a rough count. For that matter, she would have done better to put "please respond," rather than R.S.V.P., which is not only unnecessary with "regrets only," but a term unlikely to be known to 5-year-olds in case they read -- or were read -- the invitation.

Any normally intelligent 5-year-old would understand "Please respond" to mean that a response was required. Why their parents do not is another question.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother brought his fiancee to dinner at my house for the first time, after telling me how much my mother would like her because of her good manners. I served a formal dinner, or at least not a casual one, in our dining room with nice table linens.

When I was doing the laundry afterwards, I found that the fiancee's dark lipstick was smeared all over the hand-embroidered napkin she had used. After several launderings with different stain removers, I've had no success in removing the offending stain.

As a hostess, should I expect this to occur and simply throw away the napkins after a meal, or should I offer paper napkins instead? (Or perhaps I need laundry tips?)

I've had many dinner parties without encountering this problem. My brother is now married to her and I haven't yet invited them for dinner.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' mind has flashed ahead to when you and your sister-in-law are old ladies and she finally works up the nerve to say to you, "I had always hoped we would be close, and all these years I've racked my brain trying to think what possible thing I could have done to offend you. You gave that lovely dinner for me 40 years ago, when I was first engaged, and then never again from that day to this. I understand your house is lovely."

What are you going to say? "Well, sure, except for that napkin you ruined, that hand-embroidered napkin! You didn't think I was going to give you a chance to do that again, did you?"

True, hosts should not have to expect their guests to use their napkins as make-up towels. Still, let's see if this relationship can be saved without having to resort to paper napkins.

Miss Manners doesn't do laundry tips, but you could ask your sister-in-law for one. Enough time has gone by that it should not seem pointed if you get into a cozy household discussion, during which you confide that you have had a lipstick stain problem and inquire whether she knows a remedy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I showed up at 7:30 (the time appointed on the printed invitation) for an evening wedding "reception/dance" by the parents of a long-time neighbor and friend with whom our children had grown up. We found that the wedding had taken place in the early afternoon and the invited guests were just finishing the "dinner" and the wedding cake had already been cut and served.

I have, over the years, been asked by acquaintances (mostly business) to "stop by" for the evening dance and have not been offended, but never have I received a printed invitation that has put me in such an awkward position. I was not offended by not being invited to the wedding, but very offended that I was expected to arrive later (gift in hand) with not even a clean table to accommodate myself, husband and another couple who also live in the neighborhood.

Perhaps you can shed a little light on a situation that has hurt my feelings and how I could have handled it at the time or in the future when speaking with my neighbor. Is this proper etiquette today?

GENTLE READER: No, but oddly enough, it was yesterday -- sort of.

This sounds like a crude variation of the invitations that were once sent to only a wedding ceremony or only a reception, with some of the guests receiving enclosed cards also inviting them to the part of the festivities not mentioned on the main invitation.

Now that Miss Manners comes to think of it, that was a crude idea itself and should not have been done then, let alone now. That you received second-class treatment seems to her to be the consequence of accepting a second-class invitation.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At our retirement home, many people only show up when refreshments are served, and the behavior is wild.

Some people stand in line and talk -- won't move along -- and fill their plates to almost overflowing, then take it home.

At a holiday party, it was disgusting, with people piling up chicken wings, Swedish meat balls, salads, cheese, other finger foods. It's gotten so bad that now only cookies and drinks are served. At the happy hour, the director announced that this is not your supper, it is only a snack.

We have a great restaurant and some are able to cook in their own rooms, but with some people, a free meal or food is the only attraction.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners advises you to stay away from cruises. When the midnight buffet opens, so many people who have spent the day eating breakfast, pool snacks, elevenses, lunch, tea, cocktail food and dinner make a rush for it that the ship nearly tilts over.

Free food -- that is to say, food that is paid for indirectly, not by the chicken wing -- seems to have that effect on some people. Miss Manners doesn't care for it, but has one word of advice to the director: trays.

It is true that if food is passed, rather than put out, people will move faster around the room than they might otherwise have done. Still, the result will be more sociable than if everyone is planted in front of a buffet table.

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