DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother brought his fiancee to dinner at my house for the first time, after telling me how much my mother would like her because of her good manners. I served a formal dinner, or at least not a casual one, in our dining room with nice table linens.

When I was doing the laundry afterwards, I found that the fiancee's dark lipstick was smeared all over the hand-embroidered napkin she had used. After several launderings with different stain removers, I've had no success in removing the offending stain.

As a hostess, should I expect this to occur and simply throw away the napkins after a meal, or should I offer paper napkins instead? (Or perhaps I need laundry tips?)

I've had many dinner parties without encountering this problem. My brother is now married to her and I haven't yet invited them for dinner.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' mind has flashed ahead to when you and your sister-in-law are old ladies and she finally works up the nerve to say to you, "I had always hoped we would be close, and all these years I've racked my brain trying to think what possible thing I could have done to offend you. You gave that lovely dinner for me 40 years ago, when I was first engaged, and then never again from that day to this. I understand your house is lovely."

What are you going to say? "Well, sure, except for that napkin you ruined, that hand-embroidered napkin! You didn't think I was going to give you a chance to do that again, did you?"

True, hosts should not have to expect their guests to use their napkins as make-up towels. Still, let's see if this relationship can be saved without having to resort to paper napkins.

Miss Manners doesn't do laundry tips, but you could ask your sister-in-law for one. Enough time has gone by that it should not seem pointed if you get into a cozy household discussion, during which you confide that you have had a lipstick stain problem and inquire whether she knows a remedy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I showed up at 7:30 (the time appointed on the printed invitation) for an evening wedding "reception/dance" by the parents of a long-time neighbor and friend with whom our children had grown up. We found that the wedding had taken place in the early afternoon and the invited guests were just finishing the "dinner" and the wedding cake had already been cut and served.

I have, over the years, been asked by acquaintances (mostly business) to "stop by" for the evening dance and have not been offended, but never have I received a printed invitation that has put me in such an awkward position. I was not offended by not being invited to the wedding, but very offended that I was expected to arrive later (gift in hand) with not even a clean table to accommodate myself, husband and another couple who also live in the neighborhood.

Perhaps you can shed a little light on a situation that has hurt my feelings and how I could have handled it at the time or in the future when speaking with my neighbor. Is this proper etiquette today?

GENTLE READER: No, but oddly enough, it was yesterday -- sort of.

This sounds like a crude variation of the invitations that were once sent to only a wedding ceremony or only a reception, with some of the guests receiving enclosed cards also inviting them to the part of the festivities not mentioned on the main invitation.

Now that Miss Manners comes to think of it, that was a crude idea itself and should not have been done then, let alone now. That you received second-class treatment seems to her to be the consequence of accepting a second-class invitation.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At our retirement home, many people only show up when refreshments are served, and the behavior is wild.

Some people stand in line and talk -- won't move along -- and fill their plates to almost overflowing, then take it home.

At a holiday party, it was disgusting, with people piling up chicken wings, Swedish meat balls, salads, cheese, other finger foods. It's gotten so bad that now only cookies and drinks are served. At the happy hour, the director announced that this is not your supper, it is only a snack.

We have a great restaurant and some are able to cook in their own rooms, but with some people, a free meal or food is the only attraction.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners advises you to stay away from cruises. When the midnight buffet opens, so many people who have spent the day eating breakfast, pool snacks, elevenses, lunch, tea, cocktail food and dinner make a rush for it that the ship nearly tilts over.

Free food -- that is to say, food that is paid for indirectly, not by the chicken wing -- seems to have that effect on some people. Miss Manners doesn't care for it, but has one word of advice to the director: trays.

It is true that if food is passed, rather than put out, people will move faster around the room than they might otherwise have done. Still, the result will be more sociable than if everyone is planted in front of a buffet table.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I agree, my husband plans to invite his ex-wife, who is the mother of his four grown-up and married children, to the big party he is throwing for his 75th birthday. It will be a three-day event in his home country for about 100 members of his family and close friends.

He wants to do this and thinks the children will enjoy having her, but only if I have no objection to it. I barely know the woman (I am from another country where there are no ex-spouses) and have only seen and met her at two of the children's wedding parties. I don't dislike her but believe she belongs to my husband's past (they have been divorced more than 25 years) and should be left there. Am I being unreasonable in thinking and feeling so?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps, but you may be relieved to hear that Miss Manners is uncharacteristically liberal about letting people harbor unreasonable thoughts and feelings. You may be less relieved to hear that she expects people to ignore such feelings and behave reasonably.

Reason should tell you that looking back over the past is chiefly what a 75th birthday party is about, especially this one, being held in your husband's home country rather than where you and he live now. Reason should also tell you that his specifying that he would not invite his former wife if you objected indicates that he considers your feelings more important than his own in this matter.

Couldn't you manage to be equally gracious and defer to him on his birthday?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a younger sister who is 11 years old and sometimes gets nosebleeds when we are eating in a restaurant. Now, rather than have her leave the table to go to the bathroom, my family members think it is fine to let her sit there and use the cloth napkin to stop her nosebleed. I protest but get yelled at because I think it is very rude to leave it there for some poor waitress to have to pick up. Please tell me whether you think it is proper for my sister to stay at the table and make me watch her nosebleed.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hopes that you react better to this situation when it happens in restaurants than she did when reading of it in the privacy of her boudoir. And she, fortunately, was no where near any food.

Dangerous medical emergencies must be dealt with when and where they occur, and one trusts that those who are inconvenienced will rise to the occasion. But the way you tell this, it sounds like no such thing. It sounds like outrageous lack of consideration for everyone in the restaurant -- staff, family and strangers.

However, Miss Manners wants to make sure that you are compassionate toward all, not just toward those outside the family. Promise her, please, that you weren't setting them all off by making callous comments when your sister was stricken.

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