DEAR MISS MANNERS: Six of us from our office were dining at a restaurant that happens to be a favorite of my boss', but not of mine. The office manager ordered risotto, which I like but had found to be starchy at this particular place. I immediately asked her, "Is there any way I can talk you out of that?" (I didn't say "yeech!" and make a face.)

She said no, and my boss said it was rude of me to criticize an entree that someone else chose. This was not an etiquette rule I'd heard of.

Was I supposed to wait until she didn't like the risotto herself and then say, "I didn't think you would"? (The office manager did end up liking it.)

GENTLE READER: The rule is not against giving advice about restaurant dishes. The rule is against insinuating that your boss chose a restaurant of which one has to be wary. Presuming the risotto really is starchy, the office manager showed a better understanding of this than you did, Miss Manners is afraid.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can I have your reaction to the following? Twice this year, co-workers in long-standing, cohabitation arrangements have gotten engaged to their partners. Don't get me wrong: I approve of their getting married. It's the right thing to do. The thing that irks me is the attendant hoopla.

These girls are flashing gaudy diamonds, giggling like schoolgirls and planning lavish weddings, complete with white dresses. (Either I misunderstand the symbolism of the white dress or their children are all future messiahs, but I digress.) And the response of the girls in the office? "Oh, we must throw a shower!"

We must? I was under the impression a shower was to help the new bride set up her household. After living together for nearly a decade, having children and buying a home together, I think those households are pretty well set up. Besides which, a moral issue exists: If you stole a car off the lot, drove it around for five years and then brought it back and announced you were ready to pay for it, would you expect a ticker-tape parade in your honor? These couples have stolen the privileges of marriage for themselves. Isn't it incumbent on them to set matters right discreetly and humbly? I would like to offer congratulations and sincere well-wishes, but I don't care to be a party to the party, if you get my drift. Nor do I wish to put these girls on the spot by explaining what I think. I've got a faint suspicion that no matter how I word it, it's going to seem rude. On the afternoon of the first shower, I discovered some suddenly urgent "personal business" to attend to, and, unless you have an alternative, I will do the same this time.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners shares your reluctance to insult people and spoil their fun concerning an activity she finds morally distasteful. Only in her case, it isn't focused on wedding hoopla, as you put it: Over-due marriages need to be celebrated, too, and she can't be bothered to keep track of couples' tardiness for the unpleasant purpose of deducting carats and discouraging giggles.

Miss Manners' distaste is for pseudo-social life at the office, because it is occasioned by proximity rather than affection. She believes we should all just work through, go home earlier, and give showers for our own friends.

So here is a gracious way of getting around both your scruples and hers: Go early and say to the honoree, "I'm so sorry I can't stay because I have work to do, but I want to wish you happiness."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should one respond when a well-intentioned person provides someone, or a group of people, with inaccurate information?

I receive a regular stream of "urban legend" e-mail and often hear incorrect advice passed along in person. I have researched many of these stories and know the damage that can be done by those who believe them.

I am distressed by the lack of critical thinking skills that these otherwise sensible people display, and sometimes I am concerned that they could hurt themselves. I feel a strong urge to set the record straight, but I do not want to be rude or hurtful.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is going to take your word for it that you know of actual harm that will result from people believing that there are alligators in the sewerage system. In return, she wants you to promise that you will not go around pointing out to people that they need to learn critical thinking skills. The tactful opening for questioning a story without implying this is, "Oh, really? But I heard something different."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Dining out at two different places, I was taken aback to find the lack of a spoon in the table setting. Upon looking across the room, I noticed all the table setups were minus the spoon. Is this a new wave? In my own humble home, I still set a knife, fork and spoon, and I have taught my children the same. I have another restaurant pet peeve, and you may correct me on this. I will not dine at a place if I know they use a three-tined fork. I think that is so cheap.

Just a touch of humor: One of these places was so gross it was laughable. First, the missing spoon. The wine came in a non-wine glass. The rolls were stale, there was no bread plate, and the salad came after the entree was served. Now comes the big finish from the waitress, who finally smiled. Her mouth was filled with rotten teeth, minus the holes from lack of same.

By the way, I did write letters of comment to these places and received no reply.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is trying to imagine a restaurant guide that would provide the information you need to find a place that would satisfy you. She has not yet come across one that critiques the state of the waitresses' teeth. What would the little symbols be that tell you how many are missing?

At any rate, you should not be the one to issue guidelines. You can choose your restaurants on the basis of whatever eccentricities you have, and presumably no one likes stale bread (well, maybe pigeons, but what do they know?), but Miss Manners begs you not to attempt a career as a critic of table etiquette. It is not a subject you know.

Far from violating the rules of table service, the restaurants you scorn are using (or stumbling into) better service than restaurants generally attempt. What you seem to think correct is a result of the compromises that restaurants usually make, faced as they are with customers who want something cooked to order but served immediately.

For truly proper service, the table is set with only the utensils that will be used, so a spoon appears at dinner only if there is to be soup or it is part of the dessert service. Restaurants put out bread and butter and serve the salad as a first course not because it is correct, but to keep their customers from growling while the meal is prepared. At a formal dinner, where the cooks know in advance what is to be served, there are no bread and butter plates, and the salad is served after the main course.

As the four-tined fork did not appear until mid-18th century, any three-tined ones made before that time would be anything but cheap. Whether people had fewer teeth in those days, as well, Miss Manners cannot recall.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a person is a rabbi, priest, nun or of another religious profession, am I supposed to call the person "Rabbi," "Father," "Sister," etc., even if I am not of the same faith?

GENTLE READER: Yes. One might say that it is less a question of what authority you believe them to have than what authority you believe yourself to have. Miss Manners assures you that you would be neither conferring nor endorsing such titles by using them as a matter of courtesy.

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