DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter and I share a severe strolling musicians phobia. I hope you can help us learn to cope with this problem gracefully.

When dining out and a strolling mariachi band inflicts themselves upon us in mid-meal, what on earth is the proper etiquette for our response? They make us very uncomfortable, and we don't know whether to stop eating until they leave our table, letting our food get cold and soggy, or to continue eating, which seems extremely rude.

Do we make eye contact and smile or attempt to continue with our private conversations? Do we tip each of them or just the singer? Also, if you tip them, will they go away or will that just encourage them to stay and play longer?

We've tried it both ways and sometimes they seem to be determined to play until you tip them, and at other times when we tip them, they want to play longer to give us our money's worth. As you can see, this can be a very delicate matter.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners seems to recall an indelicate song on the subject by Mr. Tom Leherer. She feels it relieves her from any temptation to treat the subject with levity.

You could select a cuisine from a music-hating culture, of course. Or a restaurant whose musicians are sensitive enough to understand that a small shake of the head, accompanied by a regretful smile, means, "Thank you, but we came here to talk."

Otherwise, your best chance is not to tip the musicians but to tip the person in charge of the dining room with the instruction, "My daughter and I wish to be left alone, so please see to it that the band doesn't approach us."

Miss Manners trusts that this person's stares, occasioned by his concluding either that this is not your daughter, or that you have come here to attempt to talk her out of marrying the town drunk, will bother you less than the music.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a food server in a very busy specialty room restaurant, which is a very good job, and I feel as though my co-workers and I are professionals. At the end of a particularly busy eight-hour shift (with no break), I approached a table of four people, made my usual introduction and apprised them of the special of the day.

At this point, one of the men at the table looked at me and said, "Boy, you look bad."

I looked directly at him and responded to this with a frosty "Excuse me?"

He repeated himself as if it were his right to comment on my appearance. His wife turned to him, and it was then that it must have dawned on him the implication of his statement. He tried to atone by saying, "Oh, I meant you look tired." By then the damage was done and I excused myself from the table and asked another server to wait on them.

Miss Manners, I am performing a service for these people. Granted, it is not ministering to their health or spiritual needs, but my job is to treat people with respect and courtesy, and I don't feel that because I am serving food anyone has the right to not treat me with the same regard. Did I overreact?

GENTLE READER: Yes, you have the right to be treated with respect, and, yes, you overreacted.

Miss Manners grants all your objections and one you may not have counted. "You look bad" is an unfortunate choice of words, implying that there is something wrong with your appearance. But "You look tired" is, well, tiresome. People who felt fine before being asked have been known to droop afterwards.

But clearly the intent here was to express sympathy for you on an admittedly busy day. Tired or not, it was your job to issue the professional, noncommittal tight smile that says, "Whatever you say, sir. I'm not ignoring you, but I'm not really listening, either."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Loud-mouthed, so-called "friends" of my deceased husband never miss an opportunity to say (in public) how well off I must be because of his benefits, etc.!

I find this offensive, embarrassing and none of their business. He was in a service club with these louts, and he obviously spoke too freely about our finances. This is not a large town, and tradesmen are all too willing to overcharge widows of any walk of life. For that reason, I seldom mention that I'm a widow.

I sacrificed a lot due to his job -- transfers, loneliness and virtually raising our children alone -- and I resent their attitude. Is it jealousy? Or stupidity?

Also, some young parents feel that as a widow I should be happy to baby-sit their kids for free. I hardly know these people -- they aren't related to me -- and saying so doesn't seem to penetrate. I've thought of saying I charge $10 an hour to end this.

One friend constantly comments on my weight. I've lost weight but feel that is very personal and I resent her "evaluation." She has gained quite a bit, but I was brought up that comments on appearance are a no-no unless complimentary.

GENTLE READER: Isn't it time for another transfer?

Miss Manners acknowledges you will have a hard time finding a place where people don't rudely comment on other people's money and weight. But surely there must be one town left, somewhere, where the merchants don't have a policy of hiking prices for widows and, presumably, orphans.

If you insist upon staying where you are, Miss Manners is afraid you must learn to make firm replies to offensive remarks. Not offensive replies, just firm ones.

The friend who comments on your weight should be told, "I hope you're not keeping track of my weight because you are worried that I might be ill. I'm actually fine. I hope you are, too?"

The young parents would probably take seriously your statement of a fee, perhaps hoping to negotiate. So unless you want to go into the business, you need only say, "Oh, I'm afraid I don't do baby-sitting."

As for your husband's friends, you could shame them by looking tearful and saying, "Well off? I lost my husband! You call that well off?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After my child was born, we started calling one of my ex-stepmothers "Grandma" (My newest step-mom, who was around when this happened, is being called Nana).

My own mother doesn't have a problem with it, but my mother-in-law seems to think my child will be confused, because she's starting to talk now and says we should stop calling the ex-stepmother grandma, and use her first name only.

Now I'm confused. What would Miss Manners call her?

GENTLE READER: A busybody, but not to her face. That would be rude.

Oh, you mean what would you call the ex-stepmother now known as Grandma, as opposed to Nana, the new-step-mother, and the other ex-step-mothers, who are called -- what? "Granny" and "Bubbles"?

If your child were not confused, Miss Manners would be worried. But even in families with less active grandfathers, children have two grandmothers, and they find a way to distinguish between them.

The ex-stepmother should be called Grandma, because that is what she wants to be called, and because you don't want to confuse your child even more by switching all the names around. If your mother-in-law wishes to be called Grandma, she should be, too, and if she finds it confusing, and yet objects to adding her first or last name to the title for the sake of clarity, she should at least be clear about who is adding to the confusion.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way of asking someone to refrain from singing, humming or whistling? In extended car rides, especially, I find listening to others' noise unnerving.

GENTLE READER: Generally what people do is to suffer as long as they can and then go completely to pieces and shout, "Will you stop that? That noise is driving me nuts. You can't even carry a tune."

Of course, this is neither proper nor practical. Once the hummer is startled into silence, the other people -- instead of being grateful -- will claim treacherously that they were enjoying it.

Miss Manners thinks it more advisable to catch the situation earlier, when you are still able to murmur, "I wonder if you would hum that for us later; just now, I'm trying to remember something."

The offender will, of course, reply, "I wasn't humming." But if you are able to contain yourself and say only, "Sorry, my mistake," you will be rewarded by his having to prove it.

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