DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my mother and father had a small dinner party for friends they had not seen in quite some time, my mother, to her horror, accidentally set the oven setting too high and burned the veal beyond recognition. She served the burned veal along with the other side dishes and pretended nothing was amiss.

I, personally, feel that this was the wrong decision (not that I told my mother this, since the incident had already passed). If, in the future, this happens to me, what is the correct way to proceed?

(1) Explain what happened and take everyone out to dinner?

(2) Explain what happened and order in Chinese?

(3) Explain what happened and only serve the side dishes?

(4) Serve the burned food and pretend it's Cajun?

GENTLE READER: You are a remarkably self-possessed family, Miss Manners must say. Your mother is able to preside over a meal of charred remains without batting an eye, and you are able to restrain yourself from saying, "Ma! What were you thinking?"

You also share the same motivation, which is to spare your mother embarrassment. Miss Manners is afraid that acting upon this is kindlier in your case than in your mother's. You sacrificed your own pleasure (presuming you enjoy the normal pleasure of triumphing over a parent) for her sake; she sacrificed her guests' dinner and comfort for her own.

To spare the guests from pretending not to notice what is wrong with dinner, perhaps even to the extent of eating it, the hostess should confess her fault. She should also try to make light of it so they don't feel they have to reassure her, perhaps even to the extent of eating it.

What your mother owed her guests was (1) dinner (2) an absence of fuss and (3) an apology accompanied by the pretense that she found her own ineptitude hilarious and was counting on them to do so as well.

Miss Manners also recommends (4) a can of tuna fish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a senior citizen with a very nice gentleman friend who lives in another state. From time to time, he will call or write and say he would like to come to see me.

I then respond, giving him a specific week, allowing time for the airlines' two-week advance-purchase rates.

Then I wait -- and wait. Eventually, he will write and say he is not sure about the dates, etc. and "how about ... ?"

I keep a busy calendar; some things could be changed, but I would rather not do so. How do I courteously let him know that this habit (and it is a habit) upsets me? We do have a good time together, but to me this is rude, even though I think it is unintentional.

GENTLE READER: You wouldn't want to inject some warmth into this scheduling negotiation, would you?

Miss Manners doesn't want to promote anything untoward, but you said this was a gentleman friend, and a nice one at that. So why does it sound as if you are complaining about waiting for the plumber?

The plumber would probably be more forthright in making the point that everyone has a busy schedule, lady, and not everyone is ready to jump when you name a time.

If, instead, you said, "Oh, yes, please do come, I'm dying to see you," named several dates and, if none of these was convenient, mentioned still more dates, Miss Manners imagines he would come running. He might even bring the plumber with him.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a friend's son got married last year, several of the guests who RSVP'd that they would attend did not show up and provided no explanation. A few weeks later, one of the no-shows sent an e-mail to my friend soliciting a donation to his church.

My friend responded by sending "No Show" a nasty, sarcastic e-mail saying that he did not appreciate receiving a solicitation from him, particularly when he ended up forking over $150 per person for the cost of the reception. "No Show" replied with an even more sarcastic message, then followed up with a check in the mail for $300 to cover the cost of the reception.

I told my friend he should send the check back and let it go. Instead, he endorsed the check over to his son and told his son it was a wedding gift from one of his friends.

The son, of course, writes a thank-you note for the generous gift. Before the incident, friend and "No Show" were good business acquaintances. I told my friend keeping the check was tacky, and that, while it was unfortunate they did not show up, to learn from the experience and get over it. I went on to say that even though my friend was upset with "No Show," he should never have responded to the e-mail message in such a manner.

My friend thinks what he did is acceptable etiquette. To me, two wrongs don't make a right. My friend usually respects my opinion, but for some reason he's got a bee in his bonnet over this.

GENTLE READER: Of course he's got a bee in his bonnet: He's been stung. But that doesn't make it proper for him to go around stinging others.

Oh-oh, metaphor trouble. Miss Manners just realized that if your friend is the one wearing the bonnet, he can't sting anyone, because he's not the bee. If anyone here is, it's his no-show guest, although as the bee is still buzzing around in the bonnet, perhaps the sting has not yet been delivered.

But it has. Several stings were delivered. There was the sting from the guest who ignored the wedding, which was incredibly rude; the sting from the host who snapped rudely back; and the sting unknowingly endured by his poor son, who was led to treat the profits of blackmail as generosity.

Miss Manners also got a nasty sting, from which she is still smarting. It was your friend's claim that unspeakable behavior is "acceptable etiquette" as long as it is done to get even.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We noticed that when men wear an open-collared shirt as "business casual," it exposes the collar of the undershirt. We feel it is sloppy, and there are V-neck undershirts available for a neat look. For a man, exposing the undershirt is comparable to a woman exposing her bra straps while in "business casual" dress.

GENTLE READER: As opposed to exposing her bra straps in social dress? Or as opposed to just going out on the town in her slip?

It is not to disagree with you that Miss Manners mentions such things, but only to expose the extent of the problem. A society where formal dress for ladies consists of what they used to wear before they got dressed is going to have a hard time explaining to gentlemen why they should be embarrassed to have their undershirt collars out. Yet they should be.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the years when my husband served in the U.S. Diplomatic Service and we traveled around the world, I saw beautiful displays of fruit at buffets or teas -- including bunches of grapes with the attending silver grape scissors.

We recently retired to a lovely community in the heart of the Sonoma Valley, or as Jack London named it, the Valley of the Moon. So naturally, I thought that since we are living here in the middle of all the vineyards and with all the wonderful table grapes available on the market, it was time to purchase a nice pair of silver grape scissors.

The reaction I have received from every shop I have approached is a puzzled, "Grape scissors?" Even the gift shops in local wineries have never heard of the concept.

Has this very useful tool gone the way of the many other pieces of silver flatware that are no longer used or available?

If I were to make a wild guess, I would say that today people think it is perfectly OK to just use your fingers to rip off the grapes or stand over them picking them off one by one and leaving the little stems sticking up in the air like so many bony little fingers.

GENTLE READER: Eeeeew. Miss Manners always wondered how people managed without grape scissors. She thought they had to sit around with woeful expressions until somebody took pity on them and threw them a grape. Perhaps they had servants who arranged grapes prettily on a platter after they had finished peeling them, and tried to pass it around without letting the grapes roll away.

But now that you mention it, she can understand that in grape-picking country, this might strike folks as slightly effete.

She hopes that does not discourage you from your quest. A pretty pair of grape scissors with a fox motif allows those of us who believe them essential to use them, and those who don't to ignore them and harvest by hand.

Nor should you be discouraged about finding them. Grape scissors are nowhere near as scarce as, for example, terrapin forks or chocolate muddlers, and no respectable dealer in antique silver will be fazed by your request.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a lot of support and help from friends and co-workers when, as a young adult, I recently moved out on my own. Several gave me household items, dishes and such.

I would like to include small gift certificates in with my thank-yous, but I don't know if I should give everyone equal value gift certificates, or if they should be proportionate to the value of the item they gave me. For example, do I give the person who gave me a couch the same thank-you as someone who gave me a teapot?

GENTLE READER: While commending your eagerness to reciprocate, Miss Manners has to draw your attention to what you are actually proposing to do. You are calculating each favor to pay off your debt at the proper rate, using the barely laundered cash value of the certificates.

Thus you have confused paying back a favor with paying for a favor. Social favors can only be repaid with social favors. By treating kindness like commerce, you are in danger of slighting the very people you want to thank. It is as if you wished to discharge your debt and be rid of them.

You do owe these people something in addition to letters of thanks, but it is future goodwill to be drawn upon should they seem in need of a favor. You might start by inviting them over to see how happily you have used their contributions. But to make a payback with something that can be used for money would be insulting.

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