DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our daughter went to help her friend who manages a motel, and when one of the customers was leaving, his 6-year-old son pointed to her and said, "That's a neat job."

The dad said, "This job is for people that never went to school and don't know anything, so you'd better stay in school."

My daughter just smiled at the boy. She is in nursing, as am I, but she lives in the mountains where there is no place for her to work and her husband has a great job. But she says, "If it will keep the boy in school, it doesn't matter what the dad thinks."

I would have taken the man aside and told him, "I am a nurse and a physical therapist, and I am just helping my friend."

Maybe I have lost my manners. What would you have done?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is in thorough agreement with your daughter that it doesn't matter what the father thinks, and it does matter what the son thinks.

But she fails to see how it will keep the boy in school to find that he doesn't need it for a job he admires. Worse, she doesn't want him to receive the appalling lesson that it is acceptable to insult honest working people to their faces.

As your daughter understands, pointing out that she is qualified for other jobs does not address either of these problems. It even suggests that the father wasn't rude, but only mistaken -- that it might have been all right to say this if she did not have a nursing degree.

She also had the right instinct about addressing the boy, although Miss Manners wishes it had been with more than a smile. She might have said, "I hope you do stay in school, because it will give you the choice of doing whatever job you want to do. I like doing this one. You're right, it's a neat job."

She could have added, "I'm lucky that I do have an education, so I've also been able to help people in other ways." Although your daughter certainly did not need to defend herself, Miss Manners supposes that would have pleased you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a number of children's athletic events as well as at the dedication of a building with the president in attendance, I was confused over what to do during the playing of the National Anthem.

I was always taught to stand up straight and keep your arms at your side, but many people place their hand over their heart, like we do for the Pledge of Allegiance. What is the correct procedure?

GENTLE READER: What you are supposed to do during the National Anthem, besides standing up straight, is to sing. But that presumes that (1) you are an American, (2) you know the words and (3) Jessie Norman is not singing, because if she is, you should shut up and listen.

What you are not supposed to do is to applaud afterward, although nobody but Miss Manners seems to know that. As the National Anthem is not mere entertainment played for people's amusement, applauding is actually disrespectful.

But the hand position -- over the heart or at the sides -- is optional for civilians. (Military people in uniform should salute.) The exception is gentlemen with hats, who must remove them and hold them in the hand-over-heart position. And yes, baseball caps count.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there such a thing as an invitation being sent out too early for a specific occasion? I am referring to an informal get-together such as an adult birthday party at someone's home, or a party in someone's backyard.

My husband and I received two unrelated invitations to such informal events, sent out more than two months in advance of the actual party. To me this seems a bit desperate: "We'll get them before they could possibly make other plans for the same day."

Are people jumping the gun a bit with invitations? Other than for weddings and such, I prefer not to schedule my social commitments so far in advance. I believe even a wedding requires only a month's notice.

GENTLE READER: What are you doing next New Year's Eve?

Whatever it is, Miss Manners will unfortunately not be able to join you, as she is booked to sing "Traviata" at San Carlo that night.

At least that is what she claims when asked about a future too distant to contemplate. Perhaps a more plausible (not to mention truthful) way to put it is, "Oh, dear, we'd love to, but our plans are somewhat uncertain then. How late could I let you know?"

Miss Manners has tremendous trepidation about offering this excuse, and does so only with the severe rule that it is to be applied only to such highly informal gatherings as you mention, when invitations are sent more than two months in advance.

Usually, when hosts give long notice it is in connection with events where travel is involved and the extra time is intended to be of convenience to the guests, or for events that require elaborate planning on their part. Don't let Miss Manners catch you airily claiming you can't make up your mind whether you will be attending your best friend's wedding or visiting your cousins in their ski chalet in March.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During lunch, at a birthday party in my honor, a relative of the hostess asked me how old I was, which I thought was rather nosy of her. I smiled and replied "39" (not my age, of course!).

My sister then said, so that everyone could hear, "I have no problem telling people my age." The hostess added "I don't either," and another lady made a similar remark. Two other ladies did not say anything either way, perhaps because they felt the same as I do, that a person's age is nobody's business, or they did not wish to embarrass me further.

A little while later, a remark was made that I did not like my age. I tried hard not to let these insensitive remarks bother me, but it did upset me. I feel that asking grownups about their age is in bad taste.

Am I wrong? What can I say when people ask, or insist that I have a "problem" with my age (which I don't) when they don't get the information they expect?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners can almost excuse the nosiness in this case. It was your birthday party, after all, and people are conditioned from childhood to follow "Happy Birthday to You" with a chorus of "How Old Are You Now?"

But the childishness she cannot excuse is their bullying you, when it was clear you chose not to answer. That's what it is, no matter how they dress it up with psychological explanations. Why you chose not to answer is not a fit subject for them to explore with you.

Unfortunately, your giving a younger age plays into their theory. You might try dear Oscar Wilde's line, "A lady who would tell her age would tell anything." Except that it would only encourage them to ask anything.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had an excellent time at a two-week French language camp, and after I got home, I started making plans to go back next summer. I told my dad that I wanted to go to a four-week session because some friends and I had made plans to meet there and we thought four weeks would be twice as much fun.

So, my dad asked how much it cost, and after checking on the Web site, I told him it cost around $2,100. He then told me that I could go, but would have to pay for about $500 of it myself.

I'll be 15-1/2 next summer. I don't think I should have to help cover the cost because I'm not old enough to work at most jobs, and besides, the session is for credit, so it could count as an educational expense. My dad's point of view is that I should have the experience of earning something myself. But I would be earning the credit, wouldn't I?

The counselors and kids who go say it's as hard as school, and I shouldn't have to pay money so that I can go to school during the summer. Most parents would be glad to have a child who would willingly do anything half as challenging during the summer. But I want to because I'll be with my friends, and the credit will help me later. We're wondering who's right.

GENTLE READER: Thank you for your faith that Miss Manners would overrule your father's judgment in the interests of education and justice. It was misplaced.

As your father knows, financial responsibility is as necessary for your education as French. Miss Manners has already identified a problem that you have in this area -- the erroneous, but nevertheless popular, notion that one should be able to direct one's father or anyone else on how to spend his money. She wishes you a pleasant summer learning not only that, but how delightful it is to have one's very own money to spend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband spent five weeks in the hospital, four of them in ICU -- an emotionally draining experience for the family -- we received approximately 140 get-well cards from family, friends and colleagues. Several people also sent flowers.

My husband has been on the phone almost non-stop since he came home early this month. He believes connecting with old friends and colleagues is helping him to heal.

Is it proper to write a thank-you note to each of the wonderful people? He has verbally thanked the people who sent the flowers but has not been able to get to all of the 140 card-senders. I told him that it is not necessary for a get-well card.

GENTLE READER: It is true that greeting cards are like vacation post cards in that you need only register the fact that someone has been thinking of you and respond in kind if the situation is reversed.

But Miss Manners notes that these cards have done a particularly good job; sociability seems to be assisting your husband's recovery. So, when you reassure him that he need not respond, would you be so good as to compile a list of the senders? If his recovery is quick, he can thank them when he sees them, and if it is long, he may be glad to know who would be pleased to hear from him.

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