DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there such a thing as an invitation being sent out too early for a specific occasion? I am referring to an informal get-together such as an adult birthday party at someone's home, or a party in someone's backyard.

My husband and I received two unrelated invitations to such informal events, sent out more than two months in advance of the actual party. To me this seems a bit desperate: "We'll get them before they could possibly make other plans for the same day."

Are people jumping the gun a bit with invitations? Other than for weddings and such, I prefer not to schedule my social commitments so far in advance. I believe even a wedding requires only a month's notice.

GENTLE READER: What are you doing next New Year's Eve?

Whatever it is, Miss Manners will unfortunately not be able to join you, as she is booked to sing "Traviata" at San Carlo that night.

At least that is what she claims when asked about a future too distant to contemplate. Perhaps a more plausible (not to mention truthful) way to put it is, "Oh, dear, we'd love to, but our plans are somewhat uncertain then. How late could I let you know?"

Miss Manners has tremendous trepidation about offering this excuse, and does so only with the severe rule that it is to be applied only to such highly informal gatherings as you mention, when invitations are sent more than two months in advance.

Usually, when hosts give long notice it is in connection with events where travel is involved and the extra time is intended to be of convenience to the guests, or for events that require elaborate planning on their part. Don't let Miss Manners catch you airily claiming you can't make up your mind whether you will be attending your best friend's wedding or visiting your cousins in their ski chalet in March.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During lunch, at a birthday party in my honor, a relative of the hostess asked me how old I was, which I thought was rather nosy of her. I smiled and replied "39" (not my age, of course!).

My sister then said, so that everyone could hear, "I have no problem telling people my age." The hostess added "I don't either," and another lady made a similar remark. Two other ladies did not say anything either way, perhaps because they felt the same as I do, that a person's age is nobody's business, or they did not wish to embarrass me further.

A little while later, a remark was made that I did not like my age. I tried hard not to let these insensitive remarks bother me, but it did upset me. I feel that asking grownups about their age is in bad taste.

Am I wrong? What can I say when people ask, or insist that I have a "problem" with my age (which I don't) when they don't get the information they expect?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners can almost excuse the nosiness in this case. It was your birthday party, after all, and people are conditioned from childhood to follow "Happy Birthday to You" with a chorus of "How Old Are You Now?"

But the childishness she cannot excuse is their bullying you, when it was clear you chose not to answer. That's what it is, no matter how they dress it up with psychological explanations. Why you chose not to answer is not a fit subject for them to explore with you.

Unfortunately, your giving a younger age plays into their theory. You might try dear Oscar Wilde's line, "A lady who would tell her age would tell anything." Except that it would only encourage them to ask anything.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had an excellent time at a two-week French language camp, and after I got home, I started making plans to go back next summer. I told my dad that I wanted to go to a four-week session because some friends and I had made plans to meet there and we thought four weeks would be twice as much fun.

So, my dad asked how much it cost, and after checking on the Web site, I told him it cost around $2,100. He then told me that I could go, but would have to pay for about $500 of it myself.

I'll be 15-1/2 next summer. I don't think I should have to help cover the cost because I'm not old enough to work at most jobs, and besides, the session is for credit, so it could count as an educational expense. My dad's point of view is that I should have the experience of earning something myself. But I would be earning the credit, wouldn't I?

The counselors and kids who go say it's as hard as school, and I shouldn't have to pay money so that I can go to school during the summer. Most parents would be glad to have a child who would willingly do anything half as challenging during the summer. But I want to because I'll be with my friends, and the credit will help me later. We're wondering who's right.

GENTLE READER: Thank you for your faith that Miss Manners would overrule your father's judgment in the interests of education and justice. It was misplaced.

As your father knows, financial responsibility is as necessary for your education as French. Miss Manners has already identified a problem that you have in this area -- the erroneous, but nevertheless popular, notion that one should be able to direct one's father or anyone else on how to spend his money. She wishes you a pleasant summer learning not only that, but how delightful it is to have one's very own money to spend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband spent five weeks in the hospital, four of them in ICU -- an emotionally draining experience for the family -- we received approximately 140 get-well cards from family, friends and colleagues. Several people also sent flowers.

My husband has been on the phone almost non-stop since he came home early this month. He believes connecting with old friends and colleagues is helping him to heal.

Is it proper to write a thank-you note to each of the wonderful people? He has verbally thanked the people who sent the flowers but has not been able to get to all of the 140 card-senders. I told him that it is not necessary for a get-well card.

GENTLE READER: It is true that greeting cards are like vacation post cards in that you need only register the fact that someone has been thinking of you and respond in kind if the situation is reversed.

But Miss Manners notes that these cards have done a particularly good job; sociability seems to be assisting your husband's recovery. So, when you reassure him that he need not respond, would you be so good as to compile a list of the senders? If his recovery is quick, he can thank them when he sees them, and if it is long, he may be glad to know who would be pleased to hear from him.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A former client of mine who was also the mother of a graduate school friend was on the first plane that hit the World Trade Center. So the obligation to anyone with any breeding is clear: You write as soon as possible and offer your condolences.

In this case, though, there were complicating factors: The daughter and I had had very little contact in the intervening 25 years, except for a few cordial e-mail exchanges. I didn't learn of the death until a month later. And while I know where my friend lives generically, the only contact information I had was her e-mail address -- at work.

Can you tell where this is going?

Is it now permissible to write a sympathy note by e-mail? Is one obligated to follow-up with a hand-written note? In my case, the logic of that was obviated by a subsequent back-and-forth by e-mail, amounting to a conversation, so I think a written note might have seemed odd rather than comforting.

Is it all right that I forwarded to my friend a fond e-mail about her mother (a sort of electronic eulogy) which I had sent to my own children? We need help. I fear that the situation will recur.

GENTLE READER: Let us hope not.

Nevertheless, the need to write letters of condolence will reoccur, even if peace prevails upon the earth, and Miss Manners is gratified that you recognize the obligation. We are only haggling over the form.

Your friend was evidently also gratified in spite of the form you used. It must have been awkward for her to receive a condolence message among her professional exchanges at work, and let us hope it did not overcome her there. And, of course, a handwritten letter would have been more gracious.

Miss Manners is aware of the marvelous contributions that the computer makes to correspondence. For example, you could have used it to track down your friend's address, directly or through your alumni association. E-mail is also a fine way to have a casual chat, as you did subsequently, but "I'm sorry about your mother's death" is not a casual, chatty statement.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last night, some friends of my husband came over for dinner and a video. They brought a lot of fruit with them for us all to share as dessert. After dinner, I cut up some of the fruit and put it out on the coffee table for us all to share during the video.

As our friends were leaving, I spied some bags of fruit I did not cut up sitting on the counter. I offered some of the remainder of the fruit to our friends to take home with them. I thought that, while they brought it for all of us, it was really a lot of fruit, and our friends might enjoy it the next day.

After they left, my husband told me that he thought that it was rude of me to return some of the fruit to our guests; that our guests bought it for us and I just returned a gift. I thought that if we kept the fruit, we would be hoarding. I wonder if Miss Manners can clear this up. Is it rude to return something like this to guests as they leave? Or, is it rude (as I thought) to keep the overflow of our guests' generosity? I suppose this is similar to someone coming over to one's house with five bottles of wine, when everyone can really only drink two bottles.

GENTLE READER: It's not whether you keep the goods (although Miss Manners has heard equally indignant reactions from donors who were not offered their leftovers and those who were) but how you do it. Contributions to cooperative meals are not presents but should be acknowledged gratefully nevertheless. "Here's your bag of fruit," sounds as if you want to make sure your guests have no excuse for returning. "The fruit was delicious, but we can't possibly eat all that's left" would give them the opportunity to accept it back or insist that you try.

: