Dear Helaine: I am a senior widow and have been working with my advisers to leave everything equally in my will. However, I was shocked to learn recently that my younger daughter and her husband told my older daughter's ex-husband that my older daughter was getting money from me. The ex -- who is a high-net-worth individual -- took my daughter back to court and is now trying to get his alimony payments reduced.

They've been divorced for several years, and my older daughter has asked her sister many times to end her friendship with the ex, but they've refused, saying they love him like family and it would hurt them too much to end the connection. So what do I do? The division and bitterness already exists. My younger daughter's husband is a high earner, so they don't need the money. My older daughter does.

It's the disloyalty that hurts. I think my younger daughter should be financially penalized in my will, especially if my older daughter's support payments are cut. What would you do? -- Furious Mom

Dear Furious Mom: I will begin this note by telling you what I tell everyone when it comes to wills: It is your money, and you get to do what you want. Now let's get to business.

You've got a bigger problem on your hands than disposing of your estate after your death. I would urge you not to take sides in a battle between your daughters, but to try to remain open to both sides. I would furthermore urge, nay, beg you not to share financial or personal information about one with the other. Unless your younger daughter has a serious spying habit, I am assuming she's hearing this information from somewhere, and I am guessing that somewhere is you.

Given the state of the relations you describe, you must know no good will come of gossiping with either of your daughters about the other or about your personal financial business. You are culpable in stirring up this trouble, and it needs to stop. One way to do that: Stay as fair as possible when it comes to money and other matters. In our society, we equate money with love. They are both your daughters, and they deserve to be treated equally by you. It begins now.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)

Dear Helaine: My brother and I are trying to figure out how to support my dad and my stepmom, who only have a small income from Social Security. Her daughter and grandchild live with them, but my stepsister doesn't have much money either. She's barely earning minimum wage.

We want to help, but we don't want to be intrusive. We tried to pay to get their air-conditioning fixed, but they got a friend to do it, even though we were going to call a company and pay. They need the front walk boards replaced because they are a hazard, and my dad is in his 80s. My stepsister said she'll take care of it, but, as I said, she doesn't have much. If she did, she wouldn't be living with my dad and her mom.

We want to ease things and get important stuff done but not make them feel bad. What would you do? -- Hoping to Help

Dear Hoping to Help: It's hard to help elderly parents with their finances. They want to see themselves as independent -- which they are -- and just about the last thing they want to admit is that they need aid. It goes beyond money. Few will admit to their children that their health or stamina is fading and that they now need assistance with the tasks of daily living. Our parents still see themselves as the ones who are supposed to be helping us!

So how do you offer an assist in such a way that they will actually take it? I would reach out to the local senior center and find out what resources are available to help the community's low-income elderly with medical, food and housing expenses. It's possible there are programs to pay for replacing the walk boards and other things that will need to be done so they can age in place.

You also need to include your stepsister in the discussions. She is living with your dad and her mom and can probably give you a better sense of what the most urgent needs are than you get on your visits. Remember, you might have extra money to give them, but she's giving her time to them in exchange for a place to live.

Then all three of you -- you, your brother and your stepsister -- can sit down with your dad and stepmom and offer ways to help, from utilizing friends and neighbors like they did when fixing the broken air conditioner, to out-and-out financial assistance. If your dad and stepmom feel like you are all having a conversation with them instead of dictating what you think they should do, it's more likely they will be receptive to accepting at least some help.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)

Dear Helaine: Help me decide what I should do. I'm a 53-year-old who had it all but lost everything in the recession beginning 10 years ago. I sold off real estate at a loss, closed my business and tried to pay everything I owed. In the end, I had to declare bankruptcy after running through my retirement funds.

Now I have a new career, and I am trying to plan for the future. I purchased an apartment, which I am planning to sell at a profit next year. I have $25,000 in an IRA, but no other savings to speak of. Plus, I still have $40,000 in credit card debt.

When I sell the apartment, I'll get about $100,000 after paying the mortgage. What should I do with that money? I am afraid of rising rents, so I feel like I should buy a place to live. However, I also feel I should pay off my debt because I am paying high interest rates. I also feel like I should put money aside for retirement, but there just isn't enough to do all of those things. -- Back From the Financial Abyss

Dear Back From the Abyss: I wish you had written me a decade ago! Retirement funds are, for the most part, safe from creditors in bankruptcy court. Unfortunately, all too many people -- including yourself -- use that money in an unsuccessful attempt to stave off bankruptcy. I understand the desire to pay back money owed, but bankruptcy laws are written this way for a reason.

As for what you should do now, you need to think through your options before making any financial moves. Do you plan to stay where you are long-term? If not, selling and renting might make sense. If you plan to retire where you are, you might be better off staying put. If you sell and use some of the money to pay down credit card debt, can you commit to living within your means going forward, or will you simply end up with the same amount of debt in a few years again? I can't answer these questions -- only you can.

One other thing: You need to meet with a bankruptcy attorney again. I don't know your salary, nor do I know how far in the past you declared bankruptcy and whether you filed Chapter 7 or 13, but $40,000 in high-interest credit card debt is a lot of money to owe, and it might be your best option again. You need to talk to an expert who can make a determination based on all the financial facts.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

(EDITORS: For editorial questions, please contact Sue Roush at sroush@amuniversal.com)