Dear Helaine: My husband refuses to make and stick to a family budget. He resents the idea of limiting himself, and his idea of budgeting every month is “we just need to spend less.” We both work full time at state jobs with mediocre salaries, have one of our two children in day care (which is like a mortgage payment), and basically live paycheck to paycheck with no cushion. I have $8,000 in credit card debt, and $25,000 in student loan debt. My husband has $8,000 in credit card debt, too.

We do not have an extravagant lifestyle, hobbies or other large money pits that can be eliminated. Our house is fully paid off. My husband pays the bills because his salary is slightly higher than mine, and every month I basically transfer over my whole check minus my student loan payment and a pittance toward the credit card. That leaves me no cash for personal expenses each month, and as a result, I charge more debt on the card. I know I need to stop using the card if I am ever to pay it off.

I recently came to the realization that if I am ever going to get out of personal debt, I will need to come up with a financial plan that only I will stick to and doesn’t depend on my husband’s participation. Short of divorcing my husband, how do I get my own finances in order so I can get myself out of debt without his cooperation? -- Fed Up

Dear Fed Up: It sounds to me like you are doing some first-class enabling here, as they say in recovery programs. By turning over so much of your paycheck to your husband that you cannot get by on a day-to-day basis without racking up more debt, you are, for all intents and purposes, granting him permission to carry out his less than financially healthy ways.

My advice? Work out how much money you need to get by on a monthly basis. Inform your spouse of that number. Then, the next time you transfer money over to your spouse, make sure you add that to the amount of funds you keep back. Over time, you will, if you remain disciplined, pay down your own debt, and improve your own personal finances. At the same time, you will be giving your husband a choice. He can continue on with his undisciplined spending patterns. Or, with less money at the ready, he can finally get a grip on his own spending. That would almost certainly entail working with you to come up with an approach to the family spending you can both agree on.

And one other thing: While child care expenses are not forever, other child-related bills will continue to pop up. It sounds like you and your spouse could stand to discuss whether one -- or both -- of you should attempt to find a more lucrative position with another employer. This will be a much easier conversation if you are in agreement on how to spend money going forward.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

Dear Helaine: I’m 33 years old. After years of earning a modest salary, I moved to a new company two years ago and got a substantial pay bump. I spent the first year saving for a down payment on a house, and bought a small condo six months ago. I now have a four-month emergency fund, but only put 4 percent of my income in a retirement account. I’ve recently gotten another raise in the form of increased commission payments, and after adding some small luxuries, I now have an average of another $300 a month.

My problem is I can’t decide the most responsible use of the funds. Should I just put the extra money in my 401(k)? I’m also tempted to refinance my home from the current 30-year mortgage to a 15-year one. I spoke to my lender, and I would pay an extra $450 a month and save $100,000 over the life of the loan.

I am confident I could cut expenses to make the extra payments, but finances would be tighter. I do plan on staying in my home for at least the next 10 years, and I love the thought of possibly using it as a rental property once the loan is paid off, or selling for a very nice down payment. But I also know that my commission is never guaranteed, and if the economy takes a downturn, I could be saddled with a house payment that is difficult to afford.

One other thing -- I just started regular contributions to my retirement account in the past year, since I was paying off my student loan debt. So what makes the most sense? I am worried if I don’t make an investment decision soon, I will just squander the extra money every month. -- Good Problem but Very Torn

Dear Good Problem but Very Torn: As you noted, good fortune doesn’t always last. No matter how skilled you are at your job, commission income can ebb and flow. The reasons can range from economic dips to seasonal variations to headwinds that specifically impact your business. As a result, I would urge you to not make permanent commitments with your newfound money -- which means I don’t recommend refinancing your home to a 15-year loan. If doing it makes your finances tight when the going is good, I don’t think you want to deal with the financial consequences of a bad month.

Moreover, you’ve admitted you are behind on your retirement savings. In an ideal world, you should be putting between 10 and 15 percent of your salary aside for your post-work life, not a measly 4 percent, and you should have started doing so in your mid-20s, not your early 30s. The most valuable money you can put away for retirement is the money you can set aside in the early stages of your work life, because it has the most time to compound -- that is, grow over time.

So that’s my recommendation. Should you find your newfound commission income is less steady or regular than you think, it’s easy enough to reduce the amount you are setting aside for retirement. And congrats on all your success!

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)

Hi, Helaine: My husband has a daughter and two sons, all in their 30s, from his former marriage. At various times, they’ve all asked him for money for things like a car or medical bills. He’s given it. While the sums each child receives are not identical, they are more or less in line with each other.

Now his daughter wants to buy an apartment. He's thinking of offering her a significant sum. I’m not against the gift -- our finances are separate -- but I am concerned this rather large present will mean the sons will expect the same on principle. That’s a lot of money! But if they don’t get it, I’m afraid they will make her life hell. These three don’t get along so well as it is.

I’m not sure how to advise my husband. Strict equality? To each according to his needs? Favorite child? -- Good Stepmother

Dear Good Stepmother: You are a good stepmother -- you proved it by writing this note. You’re right to be concerned. According to a survey from Ameriprise, if siblings are going to get into arguments about money, it’s likely because of Mom or Dad. There are inheritance and caretaking battles, to be sure, but there are also beefs over fairness, specifically whether one brother or sister is being favored financially over another.

Since you admit your stepchildren don’t get along all that well, it sounds like they are already primed to fight over money matters -- if they don’t already. The chances are good that if your husband gifts one child a large sum and doesn’t do the same for the others, not only will a nasty battle break out among the siblings, it’s almost certain the left-out siblings will be furious with your husband.

Unless one of the children is Mark Zuckerberg, your husband needs to operate fairly going forward. If he decides to help his daughter with the down payment on her new apartment, he needs to not only tell his sons, but also inform them that the same amount is available for them when they are ready to make a similar purchase. If he can’t afford to do that, that’s likely a sign he should be reconsidering his support of his adult children. He should not be endangering his own finances paying the bills for children who are old enough to earn a living.

If, however, his finances do support this kind of spending, he might want to consider making an annual financial gift to his three adult children. The Internal Revenue Service currently allows taxpayers to gift up to $15,000 annually to as many people as they would like without needing to pay a gift tax on the sum. Taking that strategy going forward would not only ensure greater fairness, it would permit your husband to offer these adult children financial support while simultaneously letting them learn how to live on a fixed annual sum. That’s one lesson it sounds like all three of these kids could stand to learn.

(To ask Helaine a question, email her at askhelaine@gmail.com.)