DEAR ABBY: I have always looked inside a person before casting judgment. It has been six years that I've been close friends with my neighbor "Tim." I have always regarded him as a Kramer from "Seinfeld."

I have OCD. I am a clean freak. I work hard to support myself and my kids. Tim is on every government program. He's a hoarder. His dog is filthy, and Tim literally has to leave notes posted in his house to "remind" himself to wash his own hands. Tim is politically my opposite. He's narcissistic, and if you disagree with him, he gets crazy, raging with anger. I have remained friendly with him because I feel bad for him.

Tim is always asking me to go out to dinner or an event, and I'm always turning him down. He doesn't have much money, so when he needs something, I help out. Lately, though, because I feel like he's taking me for granted, I have been quietly pushing him away. Tim has now become increasingly needy, both emotionally and financially. How can I end the friendship without sending him into a spiral? -- NEIGHBOR IN NEVADA

DEAR NEIGHBOR: Friendship is supposed to be reciprocal. From your description of your relationship with Tim, it has been all take and no give. Because this relationship has become so lopsided, continue refusing his invitations, be less available when he wants to dump his troubles on you and quit giving him money.

DEAR ABBY: I am tormented by an incident that occurred at a time when I did not have the ability to object or present facts to disagree. My father had given me permission to invite my three close college friends for a holiday dinner. My stepmother evidently objected to it.

A week before the dinner, my stepmother's father began verbally attacking me for inviting my friends, implying that I had been out of line. He said, "Holidays are for family." I was shocked by his statement because I had been taught from elementary school that people invite others for the holiday to share our gratitude for what we have. This could include those who have no family and are alone for the holiday. After that holiday, my stepmother told me I would never have friends over again for any holiday.

In each of the 25 or so years that have passed, that painful incident comes to mind, and I wish I had had the ability to speak out. What would you suggest should have been the proper answer, at the time, in this case? -- SEARCHING FOR CLOSURE

DEAR SEARCHING: You could have told your stepmother that sharing holidays with friends was never forbidden before she came along, but now that she ruled the roost, you and your friends would be celebrating elsewhere. I hope that in your adulthood you have practiced the principle of inclusion which is intrinsic to your nature.

DEAR ABBY: My spouse and I host regular meetings of a book club. It has been very successful; lots of people attend. We serve wonderful food and wine. Two attendees rarely miss this event, although they have never actually been invited. They come by default with their spouses, whom we did invite many years ago.

We are not fond of these two women because they are whiny and annoying. They go on and on about their ailments and life problems, and they rarely have anything insightful to say about the books we discuss.

My spouse and I wonder if they have ever read any book, much less one of the books we cover. We're not sure if anyone else who attends feels the same way, but we do know that some of our friends have hung out with them. I often tell my spouse we need to drop them from the invitation list. She says we can't because the other attendees will notice, and we'll look like the bad guys.

Is my partner right? Is there any way to stop inviting them without looking mean? I'm worried we will be stuck hosting the pair forever into our old age. -- HATES THIS PLOT IN THE WEST

DEAR HATES THIS PLOT: You very well may wind up hosting those two pills in perpetuity, UNLESS at the next meeting, you establish some rules that should have been made clear from the beginning. In order to participate in these get-togethers, members of the group must have read the book under discussion and refrain from discussing other topics during the meetings. To do this is not unreasonable.

DEAR ABBY: My mom and I recently got into an argument about her mortgage. I'm on the mortgage and title to her home because she couldn't afford to be on it by herself and needed my income and credit to help her. So, I did. I helped her.

I am now married, and my husband would like to refinance our home. The problem is, I'm still on the mortgage to my mother's house. I have asked her twice before to let me off the mortgage, and she responded by saying, "I can't. I need you." When I asked again this last time, she blew up at me.

She thinks my husband is controlling me or manipulating me to ask her to let me off the mortgage. Now she "hates him" and doesn't want to see him or his family. She's barely talking to me and acting super-cruel and vindictive. It hurts me that she is acting like a 5-year-old having a temper tantrum. I'm so sad. I just don't know what to do anymore. Advice? -- ENSLAVED IN MARYLAND

DEAR ENSLAVED: You have my sympathy. Getting your name (and the financial guarantee that goes with it) off your mother's mortgage may not be as simple as you would wish. It's time you spoke about this with an attorney with an expertise in real estate, because extricating yourself may be both time consuming and expensive.

DEAR ABBY: I just concluded a five-day visit hosting some young relatives. Both are adults in their early 30s. They have full-time jobs and make decent money, although they spend it as fast as they get it. My concern is their pot smoking.

Recreational marijuana is legal here as well as where they live. During their visit, they smoked joints before breakfast, mid-morning, after lunch, before dinner, after dinner and before bed. I would estimate they smoked five to seven joints a day apiece. They repeatedly commented that what they bought here was much stronger than what they could get at home. I suggested maybe they should, therefore, smoke a bit less, but I got a "we're on vacation" response.

They interspersed the smoking with high-caffeine energy drinks. Both exhibited a lot of anxiety and paranoia. Multiple times, they drove their rented car after smoking, and they would have gotten a DUI had they had been stopped for any reason.

I said nothing about their pot consumption during the visit, but then I thought that if they had seen me with a fresh glass of wine in my hand at breakfast, followed by five or six more over the course of the day, they would have been concerned about my habits. Am I crazy to be concerned about theirs?

I don't know if this is how they spend their regular days off from work, or if this was a vacation binge. Should I keep my mouth shut and just let it go, or should I try to discuss it with them now that their visit is concluded? -- OBSERVER IN OREGON

DEAR OBSERVER: How these fully employed relatives spend their money is not a subject you should raise. However, you do have the right to tell them you were concerned about not only the amount of pot they were smoking during their visit, but also the fact that they were driving under the influence. Marijuana may be legal, but that does not make it advisable to use in every situation. Being stoned slows down reaction time and puts them and other drivers at risk.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I have been living with his parents for the past two years. We are ready to move, but it feels like his parents want us to live with them forever. I'm ready to just leave, but I don't want to cause drama. His father calls me rude names and fights with my fiance. I don't want my daughter living this way anymore. Should I just walk out, or should I explain to them first what our plans are and then leave? -- HAD ENOUGH IN THE SOUTH

DEAR HAD ENOUGH: I suspect there is at least one chapter and verse missing from your letter. Rather than leave in a huff or sneak away with no explanation, you and your fiance should thank his parents for allowing you to live with them for the last two years, tell them you have found a place of your own now and leave as pleasantly as possible.