DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old woman with a 21-year-old daughter, "Penny." I got pregnant at 16 and was very much alone, with little help from those around me. For a variety of reasons, I decided not to involve the father or his family. They knew I was pregnant but chose to remain uninvolved and haven't helped in any way. I worked hard to build a life for Penny and myself, and I have remained single all this time. Her father has since passed away, but he had several other children, and his parents still live in our same small town.

I thought my secret (and right to privacy) had been respected, but I recently found out that someone told Penny about her "other family" several years ago. On my daughter's 21st birthday, her paternal grandma called her and told her she had a birthday gift for her. This "birthday gift" was a paternity test. Come to find out, Grandma is in poor health, and her other granddaughter was her primary caregiver, but the young woman has now moved across the country. I suspect Grandma wants Penny to assume this role.

Penny is angry with me for not being honest about her history and angry that her grandmother, who has known about her for many years, is choosing to acknowledge a relationship only now. I am furious that they are putting my daughter in this situation. Am I wrong? How can I smooth this over? -- SECRET'S OUT IN COLORADO

DEAR SECRET'S OUT: Apologize to Penny for keeping the information about her father from her. Explain that you did it because the story is ugly and you hoped to spare her the pain you experienced as a teenager. Because you live in a small town, it was unrealistic to think that this kind of secret would not come to light one day. That Penny's grandmother would introduce herself in this way was selfish and cruel, and I hope your daughter will not allow herself to become ensnared.

DEAR ABBY: I am in multiple online groups (such as academia, work, etc.) that insist on using my full first name. They require my full first name for legal reasons and do not offer an area to input the name I actually use. I know many people have far worse problems, but it gets on my nerves that everyone I interact with calls me by a formal name I have never used.

Even when I sign my emails and texts with the correct name (which is simply cutting six letters off the end of the formal name), people still call me by my whole name. I have tried emailing, "You can just call me XXX," but it is often ignored. It really gets under my skin.

Is there a polite way to correct them, or must I try harder not to care? I have considered changing my name legally, but it is far more trouble than it's worth. -- MISNOMER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MISNOMER: Because being called by a name you don't like bothers you to the extent that you would write about it to me, my advice is to stop grinning and bearing it and make the time to have your name legally changed.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are raising our 7-month-old daughter together, and we generally get along well. I love him very much, but he has a habit that worries me. He's constantly on the lookout for a new job. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but every couple of months he says he's bored and wants to work somewhere else. These are decent-paying jobs, but they never pay much more than what he's earning now. They are also not always located in the same city or even the same state we live in.

I don't oppose moving away or moving up, but I don't want to move clear across the country when the benefit won't significantly add to what we have now and the relocation creates a burden with moving expenses.

Recently, my father made an offhand comment during a conversation about a business that offers good pay, benefits, etc. -- nearly the same benefits and pay my husband is receiving now. It would require that we move out of state, and I'd have to search for a new job.

My husband has been at his current job less than a year, and I have been at mine less than six months. We just signed a new lease on our apartment. He wants to break the lease and move. What can I do to convince him that this is not a strategic move for our family at this time? -- STRESSED-OUT WIFE AND MOM

DEAR STRESSED-OUT: I don't recommend breaking your lease and moving at this point because it will damage your credit. I don't know what your husband's problem is -- whether he has trouble getting along with his co-workers or attention deficit disorder -- but things won't improve until you determine the cause.

Neither of you has a solid job history. In a few short years, your daughter is going to be in preschool, and you do not want to constantly disrupt her education or socialization. Stay put until a move will be more financially beneficial.

DEAR ABBY: An elderly couple moved in next door. They once mentioned that they believed mothballs would keep ants away. That's not all. Every time they open their garage door, we get blasted with the stench. It is so pungent we must retreat inside our house, which is about 80 feet from their property. We can't open our windows, sit on our deck or do yard work outside until their garage door comes down. I don't know how they stand it. How can we let them know it's affecting our quality of life without causing a permanent rift? -- STUNK OUT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR STUNK OUT: Contact your local health department to report what you are enduring and to share your concerns. Mothballs are not supposed to be used in the manner you have described. If you live in an area with a homeowner's association, it also may be able to help. However, if there isn't one, you may have to bite the bullet and ask these neighbors to close their garage door more quickly because the scent of mothballs is making you ill.

DEAR ABBY: I am a longtime divorcee and a retiree with grown kids. What is troubling me is I've always had an issue with taking a shower and all the oil and dirt flowing down my body. I think it's gross, so I usually wash my hair in the kitchen sink. I also don't get in the shower to wash my body. I hate getting out of the shower and feeling cold, or trying to get dressed partially wet.

When I've been in relationships, I force myself to shower or wipe down with hospital-type wipes. (I still wash up this way, just not regularly, and I know it's gross.) I dry shave my legs and underarms when needed, but this is really an issue for me. I brush my teeth twice a day. I use a light perfume and often get compliments, but I know from reading your advice that seniors lose their sense of smell and I could be ripe.

I don't know how to overcome this, and, for obvious reasons, I don't have a friend I can float this by. I'm healthy and, like everyone, struggle with depression, but I don't feel it's bad enough to seek professional help. I'm on a fixed income.

Just curious as to what your thoughts are on this. It's been a good six weeks since I've had a proper shower, and I find no justification for it other than I don't enjoy it. -- UNSHOWERED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR UNSHOWERED: If I thought your quirk could be solved as easily as buying a portable heater for your bathroom, I would suggest it. You state that you suffer from depression "like everyone else." From the mail I receive, people do have problems interacting with interpersonal relationships, workplace issues, etc., but they do not "all" suffer from depression.

Although you live on a fixed income, you could benefit from discussing your issue with a licensed psychotherapist. Help is available on a sliding financial scale through your county's department of mental health or your local university with a department of psychology. While medication might help you overcome your depression, getting to the root of your shower avoidance will likely happen once you start talking.

DEAR ABBY: My question is about dating among older adults. I have been on a dating website for a while now. Most of the profiles are fake. I finally encountered a legitimate profile of a nice-looking man, and we are now talking. After one week, we are finally going to meet for dinner. I'm thrilled, but he stated that he has "baggage." When I asked him what kind, he replied, "It's physical." What does that mean?

We have discussed being intimate and, at our age, we are no longer virgins. I intend to go on the date and be gracious and kind, but I am more than a little confused. What are your thoughts? I thought we clicked or I wouldn't be going on a date with him. What did I miss? -- PERPLEXED IN FLORIDA

DEAR PERPLEXED: The nice-looking man who has made a date with you could have been alluding to any number of physical problems. He might be missing a limb or need assistance getting around, or he may be impotent. Because he didn't give you the laundry list he included in his "baggage," you are just going to have to find out for yourself and take this a step at a time.