DEAR ABBY: I've been married to a narcissist for 28 years. He has gaslighted me for our entire 30 years together. He has had a "work wife" and a flirtation with the next-door neighbor hottie, and he paid for two sexy girls' dinners (and pies to go) because they happened to be in line in front of us.

After an argument, he even called the police on me. (An entire shift of sheriff officers surrounded our house.) I have developed severely negative emotions toward him, especially when he lies to me. We haven't had sex in a year. We get along fairly well in day-to-day activities, although it bothers me that I have to be chauffeured everywhere I go, including him waiting while I have my hair and nails done.

I'm 67 and feel it is too late to start over. My psychologist can't understand why I don't leave. We aren't destitute, but we're not wealthy either. I don't know which way to turn. -- HATING HIM IN MICHIGAN

DEAR HATING HIM: I find it interesting that as threatened as you feel about your husband's work relationship with his assistant, his flirtation with the hottie next door and two strangers he tried to impress by paying for their takeout dinners (pies included!), HE is so insecure that he must drive you everywhere you go outside the house.

While you think it may be too late for you to start over, you need to clearly define what starting over means to you. I can think of worse fates than freedom from an insecure, possessive, lying narcissist. You are under the care of a licensed psychotherapist. The logical "way to turn" would be in the direction your therapist is trying to guide you.

DEAR ABBY: I am concerned about a dear friend who has a diagnosis of mild dementia. She has no family here. Her closest relatives are four hours away, and she has minimal contact with them. She was widowed 40 years ago and hasn't dated. She always said she had no interest in that. She is deeply involved in our community and has a wide, varied circle of friends.

My concern is that while she has always been active in different events -- the arts, music, adult ed classes -- she is now very interested in men. She has spoken to me about her desire for a sexual relationship. She's 82. I am at a loss about what to tell her and worried about the consequences if she does find a man willing and able. I feel strongly that her desire is a personality change as a result of dementia. Any advice would be appreciated. -- DIFFERENT NOW IN IOWA

DEAR DIFFERENT: Your friend is well enough that she is active in your community. Talk further with your friend about this. She doesn't have to worry about a pregnancy, but STDs among seniors have more than doubled in the United States in the last decade. Syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia are all on the rise. Lack of knowledge and low condom use are driving these statistics.

Seniors have a right to a sex life if they wish, but they should be well informed before starting one. Urge your friend to speak with her gynecologist before starting any intimate relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a twice-divorced woman who has no children. I was raised by two deeply religious parents (now deceased) who attended church every Sunday and took me along. I regularly attended church until 15 years ago. At that time, my dad was dying, and I was dating a man I often had brunch and spent time with on Sundays. That man and I broke up 2 1/2 years ago.

I've recently started thinking I should start back to church. I went once about six weeks ago but haven't returned. I keep finding excuses not to go, such as I can't get up early enough on Sunday morning, or I like spending time at home with my cats, or I'm too tired after working all week, etc. I keep wondering how much of my guilt over not going is because of how I was raised, or if it's just that I think I should go.

Is it a sin not to go to church? I've never stopped believing in God, I pray and read the Bible occasionally, and I read a daily devotion every morning. This has me so confused. Please advise. -- OUT OF CHURCH IN TENNESSEE

DEAR OUT: People attend religious services for various reasons. Some do it because it's how they were brought up or because they enjoy the sense of community and the sermon. Others do it because they want to be seen.

Some churches have strict doctrine, while others are not bound to rigid dogma. In some denominations it may be considered a sin not to go. However, I don't think you should force yourself to attend a religious service for any reason other than you think you need it. If you believe in God and read a daily devotion every morning, it may be enough for you.

DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced from "Joanna" for 30 years, but we remained friends and have two children. I met my girlfriend, "Debbie," 20 years ago, but seven years went by before we dated. Debbie is 20 years younger than I. She wanted kids and I did not, so she moved on with another man.

After a couple years of living alone, and after the death of Joanna's boyfriend, I allowed Joanna to rent a bedroom in my house. (I needed the money.) A few years later, Debbie and I ended up back together. Debbie wanted to move in, so she did.

Now that we have all lived together for a couple years, the only problem we have is Debbie's attitude about Joanna, who happens to be very pleasant. (Joanna keeps to herself, in her room.) Debbie also has a bad attitude when my kids visit. She makes them feel uncomfortable. I love Debbie, but she is making a simple life difficult for no good reason. What do you advise? -- ONE OF THREE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ONE: Tell Debbie that Joanna is renting a room in your house because you need the money. Tell her that you don't like the fact that she makes your kids feel uncomfortable when they visit. Unless she can manage an immediate 180-degree attitude adjustment, she has to leave. Set a date and then stick to it.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter won't allow me to have a relationship with my toddler grandson without constantly interfering. Everything is "no." She says things like: "Don't bring him a toy every time you come over -- no more toys. No TV. Don't play the (kids) music too loud. No, he cannot go outside; there are bugs or it's too hot. Don't give him milk now. Don't give him a snack."

I have to ask her permission for everything, and it is so stressful. When I tell her, "But you buy him toys," she responds, "Well, I'm the mother." It seems almost bizarrely competitive. She's exhausting. Does she have the right to disrupt my relationship with my only grandchild in this way? -- CONTROLLED GRANDMA IN FLORIDA

DEAR GRANDMA: I'm afraid she does. Not knowing your daughter, I can't explain why she is determined to prevent you from spoiling your grandson. Perhaps she fears that he will love you more than he loves her. Whatever her reason, if you want to have a relationship with that child, you are going to have to accept her "house rules."

DEAR ABBY: My son is hosting a reception for 30 guests at his home for his daughter's (my granddaughter's) wedding. It will be a professionally catered sit-down dinner complete with a professional bartender. In your opinion, what is the protocol for tipping a bartender who will be paid handsomely by the company who employs him? The company is charging my son a steep hourly rate.

Some think it is fine for this employee to have a tip jar at the bar. Others say it would be "tacky" to expect family and friends to tip above and beyond what my son is already paying, plus tipping him privately. Please share your wisdom so we can put this unpleasant subject to rest. -- ALREADY PAYING ENOUGH IN NEVADA

DEAR ALREADY PAYING: The reception is a private event. The bartender is being compensated ("handsomely" or not) by the company that employs him. Your son will also be tipping him. I wholeheartedly agree with the others who have told you a tip jar would be "tacky."

DEAR ABBY: When I take something to a potluck, I assume any leftovers stay with the host unless they are offered to people to take home. Sometimes, there's so much food at a potluck that some of the contributions are barely touched.

I have spent time and money preparing food and I hate to see it thrown away. Would it be weird, rude or socially uncool to ask to take my contribution home with me if it's not perishable? -- HATES WASTE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR HATES WASTE: If your contribution to the potluck is barely touched, it would not be weird, rude or socially unacceptable to ask your hosts if you can take it home with you. But do offer to leave a portion for them if they wish.