DEAR ABBY: I was married for 20 years to a man who slowly isolated me from friends and family until I had no one but him to rely on. Now 49 and divorced, I am without close friends. For the last two years, I've been actively trying to build connections. I go to church and volunteer, rent a plot at the community garden to meet other gardeners, attend events at the local library, chat with vendors at the farmers market and know all my neighbors by name. People are friendly, and I'm well liked, but I am still alone every Friday night.

It seems like everyone I meet is either too busy or too wrapped up in their own lives to make room for a new friend. If this were just happening to me, I'd chalk it up to my age or stage in life. But my sons, who are 18 and 20, are struggling to find meaningful friendships too. Is this just how the world is now? Where have all the friendships gone? -- FRIENDLESS IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR FRIENDLESS: Bear in mind that friendships are usually built over time and common interest. Have you tried inviting any of these church or gardening acquaintances over on a weekend night? Have you discussed this with your religious adviser? If you haven't, that's what I would recommend.

As to your sons and their socialization problem, assuming they are continuing their education, suggest they become active in sports or special interest clubs on campus. If that fails, they should talk to a counselor and ask how they can better integrate themselves into the student body.

DEAR ABBY: Whenever my partner and I share errands or tasks, he never fails to comment on how much time and effort each of us puts into the project. He says things like, "You said it would only be an hour, but you took an hour and a half," or, "You said you'd take a five-minute break and you took a half-hour." When I respond, he replies, "I'm not complaining about it. I'm just telling you." When I get upset, he accuses me of "getting defensive" or says he "doesn't like how I'm treating him because he doesn't treat me that way."

Why do you think he feels it's OK to make seemingly negative comments about my efforts and then tell me "it is no big deal" or he is "just making an observation"? How should I respond to his evaluations of me? -- DOING MY BEST IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DOING: My goodness. It almost seems like your partner never leaves the house without his stopwatch. The next time he does it, your response should be, "That's it. Now I'M making an observation. What you're doing IS a big deal. It is passive-aggressive. We need couples counseling NOW because it could ruin our relationship." Then schedule an appointment and, if your partner refuses to go with you, go alone, because when you do, you will gain insight.

DEAR ABBY: I've been happily married for 31 years. I love my wife, but we are now more like roommates or friends than the lovers we were initially. We are also not soulmates. We both agree that few couples are.

But I met my soulmate three years ago. The initial chemistry was amazing, and we have been "dating" ever since. I put "dating" in quotes because nothing physical has happened, not even holding hands. But we have intense primal eye contact and amazing discussions. We can talk for hours, well past when it is time to leave. I have never experienced a friendship like this. I know it is not infatuation or a midlife crisis. The chemistry is there. I have never cheated on my wife, and I don't want to. It's not who I am. I don't want to hurt anyone. But something has to give.

The ethical answer, of course, is to maintain the status quo, but I'm not convinced that maximizes happiness for all parties, and certainly not for me. At 60, I know I will feel intense regret if I let my soulmate go, and likewise if I leave my wife. I live with the torture of this dilemma every day. Do you have any insight? -- PERPLEXED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR PERPLEXED: I am sorry you didn't mention whether your "soulmate" is also married, or how she feels about you. How does your wife feel about the fact that you are having these intense, hourslong conversations with another woman? Does she even know?

You stated that you are happily married and love your wife. A logical way to figure out what you want for your future would be to ask your wife to join you in consulting a licensed marriage and family therapist to help you figure out how (and whether) you can rekindle what originally brought you two together.

DEAR ABBY: Our 40-year-old son has become a full-fledged narcissist and blames us (his sister, her husband, my husband and me) for a family schism that has gone on for two years. He tells lies about us and keeps us from our granddaughter. Any attempt to contact him has been met with venomous, foul-mouthed texts in return.

Our son went through a nasty divorce and horrible custody proceeding, but we did our best to support him financially and emotionally during that time. He is now supposedly happily remarried, but he continues to deny us access to his daughter. We are heartbroken. This is not the way we raised him. Any suggestions? -- BAFFLED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR BAFFLED: You stated that your son is "supposedly happily remarried." Could his new wife have had something to do with this schism? Unless your son had a psychotic break after his divorce and, in his delusions, thinks you, your husband, his sister and her husband are to blame for everything going wrong, something has definitely changed. Family counseling might help to heal the breach, but only if he agrees there is a need for it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 50-year-old single mom who is extremely close with my 20-year-old daughter, who is away at college. I haven't dated for 12 years, partly because I did not want distractions from parenting.

Recently, a young man has contacted me for a casual relationship. These are my issues: He's 21. My daughter would be disgusted, and I could never tell her. Six years ago, he was a student of mine. (I teach high school.) Nothing inappropriate happened when he was a student. In fact, he had such a rude attitude that I once met with his mother. I know this could never go anywhere, but I don't want anything to go anywhere.

At this point in my life, I would like to date casually. He lives several hours away so we would see each other only occasionally. I'm trying to decide whether my reluctance is justified and I should decline, or if I'm taking societal ideals too personally and I should have some fun but keep this secret from my daughter. -- UNCERTAIN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Put the brakes on this while you still can and look for someone older to play with. Your daughter may be a college student, but she's no longer a child. Secrets like the one you are considering have a way of eventually coming out. Please think this through before jumping into anything that could cause you or your daughter potential embarrassment.

DEAR ABBY: My baby boy died unexpectedly, and for a long time, I was completely lost. I cried all the time. I couldn't stand to be around anyone or leave the house. With time and counseling, I'm starting to emerge again, but it's really hard.

One problem is, when I run into someone I haven't seen in a while, they ask how I am. They go on to say how sorry they were to hear about my son's passing, and then they want to tell me about someone they lost. I can't have this conversation without bursting into tears, sometimes sobbing hysterically. The outing is then ruined, and I have to go home again.

How can I get people to not do this? I know they are trying to be caring, but I can't function if I have to keep having this conversation over and over. -- JUST OUT FOR GROCERIES

DEAR JUST OUT: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your precious baby boy. When people ask how you are doing, tell them you are "doing well under the circumstances and don't wish to discuss it further." Period! Change the subject and, if necessary, walk away.

For some unknown reason, when someone has lost a loved one, others feel it is "comforting" for the bereaved to know about similar cases. THIS IS NOT TRUE! When people have suffered a loss, they are only irritated by well-meaning friends who say, "I know exactly what you are going through. I experienced something similar."

Folks, when comforting the grieving, comparisons should be avoided.