DEAR ABBY: I have been with my wife for 40 years, including 32 years of marriage. I have done the best I could as a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband and a father to our two adult children, and I continue to do so today.

Until 10 years ago, I thought we had the best marriage possible. Then my wife entered menopause and everything changed. I realize how difficult that part of a woman's life can be, and I helped her in whatever way I could. I have been patient, but she's long past that difficult phase of her life, and since then she has become the most miserable, cold person I have ever known.

She has no physical interest in me and refuses to spend any time with me. She complains about everything I do and contradicts everything I say. Is this normal? What can I do stuck in what is now a terrible marital situation? I'm too old to start a new life. I am still interested in her as much as I always have been, but her abusive behavior is badly eroding my interest in staying in this relationship. -- FRUSTRATED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Because a woman goes through menopause does not mean she automatically becomes cold and abusive. There is more wrong with your marriage than this hormonal shift. I don't know what it is, and clearly neither do you.

Does your wife's doctor know what may have caused her abrupt personality change? A thorough physical examination would be a logical place to start. After she has had one, make clear to her that if your marriage is going to survive you both must consult a marriage and family therapist. If she refuses, book some sessions without her. During the course of counseling, you may discover that your wife thinks divorce would be as much of a relief to her as it would be for you. The only thing you must not do is allow the status quo to continue.

DEAR ABBY: I have a huge T-shirt collection -- all different kinds: sports teams, schools, concerts, pop stars, vacation destinations. Many of them I bought, while some were gifts. I wear one every day when exercising at my gym.

Last month, I wore my Princeton T-shirt (a gift from a cousin who graduated from there). I love it -- it's black with orange letters and an orange tiger. Some guy I have never seen before looked at my shirt, sneered and said, "You didn't go there!" No, I didn't, but I thought it was rude of him to say. I didn't respond and walked away. But I thought about it later and wondered, should I have said something? What would you have done? -- TAKEN ABACK IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TAKEN ABACK: The person who made the comment was looking for an argument. You reacted wisely by not taking the bait. I would have done the same thing you did. And if I encountered him in the future, I'd keep my distance.

DEAR ABBY: When my ex-wife died recently, she left our two children (in their 20s and 30s) a home that was in her name. My son has a good job; my daughter works periodically as a model. Losing her devastated both of them. The home she left them is not only in bad shape but also needs repairs and zoning and permitting updates.

I earn a good living and recently won a personal injury lawsuit. I have been helping my kids by supporting them over the past few months because their emotional loss has taken them out of commission for a while. I have contributed tens of thousands of dollars toward their home, as well as helped out with rent and living expenses.

My girlfriend, who I have lived with for many years, has now gone ballistic, screaming at me for spending what should be "our future retirement money" on them. She condemns me for supporting them, not making them "make it on their own" and "How dare I think of them and not 'us.'" She and my kids have never gotten along. She has always been resentful and angry about any attention I give them and has accused me of "spoiling" them when I have helped in the past.

I am furious that my girlfriend, who has never had children, can't understand my desire to help. I feel it's my moral obligation as their dad to be there for them, and I'm fortunate that I can do it. Isn't it the right thing to do as a parent to help as much as possible? Is my girlfriend out of line? This has damaged our relationship, and I'm concerned it may be completely off the rails. -- GOOD GUY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GOOD GUY: I don't know the intimate details of your financial situation, the relationship you have with your companion or to what degree your generosity may impact your future. Of course it's natural for loving parents to want to help their children. But tens of thousands of dollars is a lot of money. Because of the emotions involved, the logical choice for advice on this subject would be your CPA and your attorney.

DEAR ABBY: I have a male friend (attorney) who is married to a dermatologist. Nearly every time this friend interacts with a medical provider, he is dissatisfied and feels he is being ripped off. He attests that doctors order unnecessary tests and deliberately overcharge. He does this vociferously and repeatedly.

I'm a retired medical professional and consumer of health services myself, so I am certainly aware that many parts of our health care system are a mess. I do not know how to stop his rants. I try to change the subject, but nearly every conversation is the same. -- TIRED OF LISTENING

DEAR TIRED: You are not a hostage. The next time this friend raises the subject, tell him you have heard his complaints, there is nothing you can do about them, you would prefer to discuss something positive when you're together and change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I live in a very small town. My husband died a year ago and, since then, I have felt like some of these people are angry with me. Six months after he died, I had what my therapist called a "nervous breakdown." I know I wasn't myself for some time, and I can't remember much of what I did or said. I have been told I said things to close friends that were unkind and even swore at them. This happened over, maybe, a three-day period.

My friends won't tell me what I said. I belong to a card club with these women, and I guess I swore at them and said or did some things that were awful. I haven't been able to express my sorrow for it. I have tried, but no one will tell me what happened. They tell other people, and those people haven't been friendly since then, either. I was kicked out of the club and told I would not be allowed back in.

Can you give me some idea of what I can do to make my friends want to be with me again? I'm miserable and need help. -- OUTCAST IN IOWA

DEAR OUTCAST: I am sure you are miserable. The women in that social group turned their backs on you. Were any of them ever told that you had a psychological break after your husband died and you were under the care of a psychotherapist? If they knew and cannot understand and forgive your outburst, shame on them.

Because you can't force anyone to cut you some slack and be kind enough to explain what it was you were saying when you weren't yourself, you will have to look elsewhere for friendship. A discussion with your religious adviser in that small town might be a place to start.

P.S. I wonder if what you said to those ladies when you were "not yourself" was true, which is why they aren't speaking to you.

DEAR ABBY: A co-worker of mine is always bashing teachers, mostly about salaries and summers off. If her daughter has to stay after school to get caught up on assignments, it is invariably the teacher's fault. My husband is a retired teacher. He knows that student success is a triangle of teachers, students and parents working together.

I know her complaints are not directed at my husband, but I bristle every time I hear them from her. When we moved here for his job 25 years ago, his starting salary was barely above poverty level. Her father was a state legislator who not once voted for teachers. When she speaks, I imagine I am hearing him. Her husband is a former law enforcement officer, and I would never dream of bashing his profession day in and day out. How can I get a word in edgewise and what should it be? -- WONDERING UP NORTH

DEAR WONDERING: The next time your co-worker starts in, summon up the backbone to tell her how hard your husband worked for low pay, trying to cram an education into the heads of mostly disinterested students, and how her comments affect you. Say it with feeling, and perhaps she will think twice before opening her mouth on that subject with you.